Not Cool, Blue

Hey Mets fans. No what’s up today – you should expect that when I’m in an especially bad mood. Let me enumerate why I’m so grouchy:

First, and foremost, my fantasy team just slipped into second place today. I’m trying to figure out a trade to stop this slide, but I’m not sure I want to pull the trigger just yet.

Second, speaking of slides, I have no idea what’s going here in Boston. I know as manager I’m supposed to have control over the clubhouse atmosphere, but something has gone wrong and I don’t know what. Also, this mini slump, in which we’ve two close very close games, is in no way my fault. Sure I started Chris Woodward yesterday and he struck out in a key situation, but it was his birthday. I’m a firm believer in instilling confidence in my players, and when somebody turns the big 3-0, they need to be in the starting lineup.

Third, Tim Mcclelland – the effrontery he has. Who does he think he is, Angel Hernandez? Anyway, the incident involving Tim after the seventh inning set me off. You may not have been able to see this on TV, but this is what went down. Chad Bradford is walking off the field after inducing a nice double play, and then Tim comes over. At this point I’m thinking, “Oh boy, I hope my knowledge of rules involving pitchers isn’t tested again. The last thing I want is a repeat of Saturday.” Then, this conversation took place:

Ump: Bradford, you’re in violation of rule of 8.0.1.17.k
CB: Like hell I am.
Me: Tim, please explain.
Ump: You know the rule, Willie, no pitcher shall throw the stinkball. I smell Bradford’s breath from behind the plate. He’s clearly breathing tuna fish all over that ball.
CB: Am not! I haven’t had tuna in ages.
Ump: Then what’s this?! (Tugs at Bradford’s jersey)
Me: Hold on now, hands off. How do you know what that is?
Ump: I know bad tuna casserole leftovers when I see it.
Rick Peterson: HEY! That was my recipe!
Me: See! Bradford wasn’t lying!
Rick Peterson: You couldn’t make a casserole if you’re life depended on it, Mcclelland!
Ump: Oh yeah, cook-off, tomorrow at 7pm, Kenmore Square.
Rick Peterson: You’re on!
Ump: Better bring your A game (points finger in Rick’s face).

At this point I break things up, for Tim Mcclelland’s sake. But you see, I don’t need these distractions. Now I have to use Jose Valentin as my pitching coach and Mr. Met at second base while Wally, the Red Sox mascot, will apparently be umping in Tim's place.

Now, about the El Duque mistake. As I said, I took quite a few naps that series, and I happened to be napping during Rick’s visit. But really, that shouldn’t have mattered because it should only count as a mound visit if Carlos Delgado goes out there with me, and he clearly didn’t. I mean, I can’t say anything to El Duque, so the man is entitled to a translator during official mound visits. Haven’t they ever heard of Miranda Rights? Whatevs, man, that’s what I say.

Finally, I’ve tried really hard to convince Lastings Milledge that the Green Monster has no relation to the Blue Monster, the creature that lived under his bed growing up and tormented him until he was seventeen. But as you all know, I’ve failed because Lastings is still getting spooked on the warning track and can’t make a catch.

Okay Met’s fans, I have to get work and stay up all night thinking of some genius moves to avoid the sweep tomorrow.

O Canada, O Canada

What’s up Met fans, Willie here. I apologize for the lack of updates, but my free time was just sucked away in Toronto. I mean, Canada is such a fantastic place to visit, and now that I’m in the National League and Montreal has been banned from having a baseball team, I don’t get to visit very often. (I personally think this is such a shame, but who would have thought that NAFTA had a clause in it banning baseball in French speaking providences effective ten years after the signing date?) Anyway, I’ve been so busy sightseeing I’ve barely had time to manage, never mind write. On top of the sightseeing, I also spent a lot of time doing my new Subway commercial. It took waaayy longer than expected because they wanted me to talk in a Canadian accent, but we finally got it done when I convinced them to just do a voiceover using my cousin’s voice, who happens to be two-thirds Canadian.

As far as baseball goes, we had a decent series, thanks mainly to my new favorite shortstop that happens to be on fire at the plate, Chris Woodward. I honestly can’t remember if he played, but he finally did teach Jose Reyes how to hit – this was supposed to be El Duque’s job, but I wasn’t satisfied with his progress so I gave Chris the assignment. I’m so proud of my job delegation skills. I really don’t remember much else from the series as I took frequent naps, a result of the non-baseball activities I already mentioned.

Lastly, we’re in Beantown now, and I’m super excited. As much as I’d like to be out on the town, I am sadly sitting in my hotel room thinking about my strategic maneuvers for the series. This job requires intense and constant dedication, and I’m willing to give that kind of dedication every once and a while.

Okay, I’m going to hit the sack as soon as I finish making up the signs for the new reverse squeeze play I just invented. This series should be thrilling, and the nights of celebration even more so. Let’s go Mets!

Retraction

Sorry Met fans, I lost my temper last night. But after speaking to Omar (who rejected my ideas of releasing Wagner, sending him to Triple-A, or trading him along with David Wright to the Cardinals for ol' reliable Braden Looper), it's become clear that I'm stuck with Billy Wagner. So I've come up with a new idea. It's obvious Wagner is a terrible closer, but what if I put him in a situation where all the pressure was off him? I've decided that from now on he'll come into the game in the first inning, followed by Sanchez, Heilman or one of the other guys (depending on if we get an early lead or not), and then my starter to close it out for the last 6 or 7 innings. I think this idea is going to revolutionize baseball just like the other modern inventions of the "bullpen" and the "double switch".

C'mon!

BILLY WAGNER IS BEING DEMOTED TO TRIPLE-A EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

Two Good Moves

What’s up, Willie here again. Let me start by saying it’s a very good thing we didn’t lose on Sunday. I’m not sure what would have happened if we were swept, but thanks to David Wright’s Grand Slam and some other stuff that happened later on while I was resting my eyes, that’s a moot point.

Funny story about that homer. You, as the average fan, probably didn’t know this, but as manager I put the play for the Grand Slam on. Don’t ask me what the signs are or the details of the process (because I don’t really remember stuff like that). Anyway, I relayed the signs to David via Julio Franco, and then BOOM, there it goes on the next pitch. For some reason, David didn’t give me credit for this play in his post game interview, and I decided to confront him about this. Because I’m trying to give you Mets fans a better understanding of the atmosphere in my clubhouse, I’ve included a brief piece of the conversation:

Me: Yo, Turtle.
DW: Me?
ME: Do you like not batting 9^th?
DW: What? That’s the pitchers spot.
ME: If you don’t shape up, El Duque and you will switch spots in the batting order.
Cliffy Baseball: Do you smell bacon?

That’s when I walk into my office and find two buttermilk pancakes, two eggs, two bacon strips and two sausage links, plus hash browns, a small glass of juice and coffee. I then realized why David thought he did nothing wrong; turns out the homerun was just coincidence.

On another note, El Duque is now unofficially the team hitting coach. It does unfortunately distract him from his pitching responsibilities. Sometimes he gets caught up showing the guys how to properly throw a bat down the third base line (I hope you were watching, Julio!), and then he’s not prepared to face certain hitters and gives up a long ball, but that’s the price to pay for a top notch hitting instructor.

The final remark for the night will be another brief explanation of why I’m such a brilliant manager. Once I realized Arroyo was shutting us down, I told the team to stop trying to hit, let him throw a complete game, and just watch. You see, I’ve been watching a lot of world cup games recently, and I’ve figured out that run differential is very important for our playoff seeding. As a result, my masterful plan means that we’ve seen Arroyo for nine full innings and only lost by two when we had no chance of winning, but now we'll be able to crush him when we play the Reds again later on this year – meaning, I’m a genius.

Okay, Mets fans, I’m in a surprisingly not so bad mood after things didn’t work out again tonight. But lookout, things will go downhill if we don’t finish this homestand strong. Let’s go Mets!

Heads Are Gonna Roll

What's up Met fans, Willie here again.

Don't say anything. Not a word. I'm horrified at what's happened over the past two days. This team is making me look really bad. And all this is happening after I got such great news. As we came back from the road trip, Fred Wilpon summoned me to his office, and he promised me a new house and a park in Long Island to be named after me if I continued this level of play. After tonight's game, however, Fred told me that he's decided to give the house and the park to umpire Angel Hernandez, my archenemy! Needless to say, I'm more than a bit distraught at this turn of events. I've lost a house, a park, and I bet Yuri, the manager at the Carousel Club, won't let me go to the VIP room for free anymore, and I'm out of Lastings Milledge necklaces to pawn. Things are quickly falling apart for me.


To add further insult to injury, when I went back to my office after the game, I saw an e-mail in my inbox from Andruw Jones:

To: willierulesnumber1@hotmail.com
From: andruwjoneshomerunmegastarcenterfielder@braves.com
Subject: HAHAHAHAHAH!

Hey Willie,

Hope you're having fun leading the NL East. I did that for a bunch of years and it sucked. Now I skip every other game and hang out with fly honeys all night long. Here's a pic of me and a few of them: http://static.flickr.com/39/101452984_8a1846bd77_o.jpg
Wish you were here....so I could rest a drink on your head while I make out with all three at once!

Hate,
Andruw


I quickly deleted that e-mail and moved on to the task at hand, namely, getting us a win in tomorrow's game. I think David Wright might be getting a bit too comfortable at third base. I saw him not hit any homeruns tonight; that's just unacceptable. Tomorrow, he's going down to Binghamton to work on some fundamentals. We're recalling John Valentin, the Binghamton hitting coach, to take his place. John is going to be starting on the mound tomorrow, with Tommy Glavine at short, Jose (Valentin of course, Reyes is going to be fetching my dry cleaning and doing other assorted chores for me all day) at fourth base, and Delgado announcing. I haven't decided whether he'll be doing radio or TV yet though.

A number of my loyal readers want to know what exactly I said to Lastings Milledge after he dogged it rounding the bases and was thrown out at home. While I detailed the excuse he gave me, I guess the fans want more. So here's a recreation of the dialogue to the best of my memory:

(Milledge comes back to the dugout after getting thrown out at home. He puts his head down and sits down on the bench in shame.)

ME: What the hell was that? Why the hell were you looking back at the ball in centerfield?
LM: I wasn't looking at the ball.
ME: Then what were you looking at? An elephant smoking a chimpanzee?
LM: Huh?
ME: Shut up! What the hell were you thinking?
LM: Well I ran into your wife before the game, and she said she was sitting out in the bleachers tonight, and I told her I'd score a sexy run for her. So as I was rounding second, I looked out at her, and gave her a wink.
ME: What the hell are you doing winking at and scoring sexy runs for,my wife?
LM: I know I was wrong, Skip, that's why I got thrown out at home on purpose. If I scored, I'd feel bad because your wife would think it was a sexy run for her. So I got thrown out, all for you!
ME: You're a good kid, Lastings. I appreciate your honesty.
LM: Speaking of honesty, can I have my necklace back?
ME: Sorry, I gotta run and do a double switch. Talk to ya later, champ.

At that point, I sped off to the other side of the dugout before he could question me further.

Anyway Met fans, I have to rest up if I want to lead us to victory tomorrow. I think it's an afternoon game, so I'd better make this drink my last and go to sleep. Let's go Mets!

Wow!

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. Some road trip we just wrapped up. Boo-yah! It’s getting hard to put into words how awesome I am, but I think everybody knows by now.

My impression of Philly turned out to reflect their baseball team well, seeing how they were no match for this manager.

As well as the series went, I’m going to have to bring up an objective that wasn’t accomplished. This series was of course my team’s reunion with one of my not so favorite umps, Angel Hernandez.

For reasons previously explained, Angel does not like me, and has tried to take it out on my Mets. So, it was time for some payback. I wanted to tell you guys earlier about my plan for revenge, but this plan was so big I couldn’t risk blowing it. Now that I’ve said this, you all know what I’m referring to: Julio Franco throwing his bat into left field during an at bat Tuesday night. That spinning dagger was meant to take out Angel. Julio got it almost on line, but put way too much on it. I’ve haven’t seen the Mets blow such an anticipated strike of revenge since a guy named Shawn Estes was on the mound. Anyway, I was pretty down after that, but was still determined to get back at Angel.

Angel was at second Wednesday, and I knew Julio wouldn’t be able to get him because of the angle (I was a mathlete in high school). But today Angel was at first, and I was confident Julio could get him. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of having my messenger extraordinaire, Endy Chavez, tell Julio the plan. Of course, Endy lets me down and tells Julio that Angel is behind the plate, and this time Julio executes properly and hits home plate ump Randy Marsh by letting go on his back swing. I don’t know how Endy confuses first base and home plate, but it makes me question all those stories he has told me about his experiences with um… female companions.

Speaking of female companions and revenge, let me address this little incident from Wednesday night. As many of you know, I had a little talk with Lastings on the bench after he was thrown out at home. I’m in control of this team at all times, so something needed to be done after I saw that play. Turns out he decided he needed to get back at me after I took away his gold necklace and pawned it two weeks ago. What better way to get in my face than prove that his mojo, naked without its necklace, was still alive and well by going after my very beautiful (and seven time Miss Universe) wife. (On a side note, anybody notice Angel and the Philly Fanatic today? Poor Angel hasn't gotten far since losing out on Lola). But Lastings has class, and knew better than to do something extreme. Instead he just made sure to bump into my wife before a game and told her that he’s going to score a sexy run for her. Don’t worry, there’s no trouble in the Randolph household, but I will NOT have people on this team scoring runs, never mind sexy runs, for my wife. I managed to get this all out of him, make it perfectly clear it can’t happen again, and also told him Jerry Manuel has the necklace.

One last thing, Cliff Floyd’s ankle is 100%, and has been for days. Why is he not playing do you ask? Well, he and Tommy Glavine decided to go get some Johnny’s Cheesesteaks before the game on Tuesday. Turns out Kaz Matsui somehow didn’t get fired after my run in with him Monday, and made two very, very bad cheesesteaks. Cliff’s was so bad that he still couldn’t play today. Tommy tried to tough it out, but, as we all saw, you can’t go out and play after a Kaz cheesesteak.

Okay Mets fans. One big night of celebration is on the agenda after an amazing road trip. I’m so glad to be back in the city after having to endure the horrible nightlife of Phoenix and Philly. Bring on those Orioles tomorrow night!

Philadelphia is an Ugly City

What's up Mets fans, Willie here again live from Philadelphia. As the title of this post suggests, Philadelphia is no New York. Fresh off a nice little sweep of Arizona, in which we were carried by our megastar Carlos Cool as Geltran, it's nice to be away from the stifling heat of Phoenix and back to the East Coast.

As soon as we arrived, I decided to talk a walk around Philly. My first stop was to West Philadelphia, to see where the Fresh Prince was born and raised. After getting robbed twice within the span of an hour, by the same old lady, I can see why he moved to Bel-Air.

My next stop on my tour of Philly was to buy a cheesesteak. Much to my shock, who did I find behind the counter at the cheesesteak place, but Kaz Matsui! Through his translator, who was working the fry machine, Kaz told me that the Colorado Rockies traded him to Johnny's Cheesesteaks for a combo to be named later. I was glad to see his career finally taking off but when he messed up my order (I told you no hot peppers, Kaz!), I had to complain to the manager. The cheesesteak place's manager was stunned at Kaz's ineptitude in making my sandwich. He explained to me that the first cheesesteak Kaz made was the best cheesesteak ever, but ever since then, he's messed up every order. I suggested firing and then re-hiring him, so hopefully that'll work out well for Johnny's and Kaz. (On a related note, who is this Eli Marrero guy? I think he may be a nephew of one of the Three Tenors. I might make him the official clubhouse singer.)

Okay well tomorrow we've got Tommy going against the Phillies. He's had an extra day of rest, so I'm pretty certain I can get 200-300 pitches out of him. I mean everyone says he's old at 40, but Social Security only starts paying out at 65, so I think Tommy's got a good twenty years left on that mound. Let's go Mets!

This Place is Spectacular

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. We’re having a great road trip, and I’m very pleased with the tremendous job I’m doing as manager. I’m even more pleased with the fact that people are starting to appreciate this, though. For example, Omar has finally agreed with me that Valentin is a quality player and deserves to play everyday, so he traded Matsui. I haven’t met the guy we got in return, but I hear it’s Eli Manning from Colorado. I honestly have no idea how these three way trades work, but I’m wondering who is going to play QB for the Giants now (I know we didn’t trade Lastings anyway, the only capable QB on the Mets that I know of). Also, I wish Kaz the best of luck – I’m sure his career will take off now that he doesn’t have to play in the same city as his older brother.

In any case, this trade means I can’t take up a suggestion from one of my loyal blog readers and have Valentin pitch while playing second base. Valentin may be superman in his free time, but it’s just too much to ask from him everyday. But in reality that doesn’t matter any more, because I think I’ve finally established my rotation, in particular the Cuban portion. Turns out I shouldn’t put up posters of Fidel Castro to inspire Alay or El Duque, but rather posters of another famous Cuban – Mark Cuban.

Finally, let me say that I love Phoenixwood. Matter of fact, we’ve never lost a game here under my managing. I’m trying to figure out what it is that does it, so we can try to reproduce those conditions back home at Shea. This is going to be a process of trial and error, so look for a swimming pool under the big scoreboard in right field when we take on the Orioles next weekend.

On a final note, let me bring something up about being a second year manager. I’ve learned a lot of the little things about managing, like the double switch a couple weeks ago, but still haven’t learned everything, especially the lingo. Last night I heard Bob Melvin, manager of the D-Backs, come out and argue a call at third base. He started screaming “he was safe by a my L.” I don’t go out and get in the face of many umps, but I’d sure like to figure out what this L thing is and how I can use it. So I’d appreciate it if anybody could help me out here and explain what on earth that means. Okay, game time in a bit. Look for Pedro to wear some super stylish sleeves again to break his non-winning streak. Let’s go for the sweep!

Bye Bye Hollywood, Hello Phoenixwood

What's up Met fans, Willie here, back again after a nice little series victory against those dafty Dodgers. Alay Soler had a great game for us Monday, but Pedro and Tommy seemed starstruck by all the A-list celebrities at the game (like Richard Lewis and Mary Hart.) Our offense broke out today and overcame a bad outing by Tommy, so we're okay. Our stud Jose Valentin had a bad game yesterday, making two errors in one inning, but that's no biggie. Like I told him after the game, "Jose, don't worry if you play like crap every other game. You're so damn good in the other games that it makes up for the occasional two error inning. I'm even willing to tolerate four or five errors an inning from you if it means getting you out there every day." My talk obviously pumped him up; today's performance by him speaks for itself.

On the flight out to L.A. after the Giants game, I watched a show called "Entourage". (Pedro Feliciano bought it for me as a gift. He buys me things every day. I'm not sure why, but I think he may have a crush on me.) The show was actually not bad, and as I was walking down Rodeo Drive later that day with Paul Lo Duca, Cliff Floyd and David Wright, I realized that me and the guys were just like Vince, Eric, Johnny Drama and Turtle! I, of course, being the best-looking and the leader, am Vince. Paul Lo Duca is Eric, especially because of the similarities in their accents, their diminutive statures, and their tendency to annoy people just by being in the room. Dukie even has a ridiculously hot girlfriend who really shouldn't be giving him the time of day, just like E. So I've decided to call Lo Duca "P" from now on. Cliffy Baseball is of course Johnny Drama. He is so wacky and zany. Did you see the hilarious way he twisted his ankle in yesterday's game? And all season, he's been cracking me up with the ways he manages to get himself out. (Although he hasn't been too funny lately.) The difference between them is that I don't know if Cliffy would get a stiffy from hugging Brooke Shields, but other than that, they're identical. And last and least, David Wright is Turtle. I've long employed him as my personal driver, and he often comes up with idiotic plans, which he and Floyd attempt to enact but hilariously fail at. (David is a little too young to grow Turtle's trademark facial hair though, but that'll come in time.)

I received many e-mails asking what I said to Lastings Milledge after his high-fives up right field at Shea after his first homerun. The truth of the matter is I missed the whole thing (no, I wasn't napping again, I was just resting my eyes). What actually happened was after the game, Milledge came up to me and asked if he could have his gold chain back. Well since as you guys all know, I pawned it to pay for an extravagant night at the Carousel Club, I couldn't really give it back to him. So I told him about a boat I own which I don't like and that I'd love to show him. He must have misunderstood because he began to apologize for showboating, which allowed me to slyly get around his request for his expensive jewlery back.

On the tattletale mystery front, I approached Pedro after Tuesday's game for an update, but he had no names for me. Nevertheless, told me that he "had done everything he had to do in order to get a suspect" and that in his mind "he had given me a suspect whether I thought so or not". His response puzzled me, but then again, Pedro is Pedro. I'll keep working on him.

Okay Met fans, after a good series in LA, we head to Arizona to start a series against the Diamondbacks. Let's go Mets!

I'm Still Awesome

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. Back here in the office after a very long day. My last post was a couple days ago and I explained again why I am one of the best managers in the game. Today, my actions further supported that fact. After our afternoon loss, I quickly made the decision to approach Felipe Alou and told him that I wanted to make the second game double or nothing. Since he agreed to this and we won the second game we get credit for two wins and still play tomorrow, whereas if we had lost we would have been swept for the first time this year. I’ve complained about rules quite often, but I think I finally found one that helps us! Also, now that the world knows about my supernatural betting instinct, I’ll let you all know that I will be interviewing for the Marlins managing position in a few years when they move to Las Vegas. But don’t worry, I’m committed 100% to this team right now.

Funny story about the game that never happened last night. As you may or may not know, it was called way before it was even scheduled to start because of the forecast of continuing rain. Because of this of this little convenient detail, I never had to leave my neighborhood in plush New Jersey. The truth is, after many failed attempts I finally perfected the rain dance Jim, a guy from the Pepsi Party Patrol, taught me a while ago. Why did I want it to rain so bad? “The Break-Up” opened Friday night, duh. Man, Vince Vaughn is a phenomenal actor.

One last thing. The game didn’t start on time today because Jim never told me that it’s a good idea to also learn the stop-rain dance. By the time I found this out (I had to find a computer with internet access to ask Jeeves how much longer it would rain), the game was already being delayed. So it turns out Jim doesn’t know the stop-dance to the version he taught me, and only Joey, a pretzel vender, does. Thank goodness Endy finally succeeded at one of his missions and found Joey (correction, he succeeded on his second try. On his first attempt he bought all of his fellow outfielders pretzels…which, by the way, Carlos shouldn’t eat before game time if doesn’t want to miss starts because of stomachaches).

Okay, we’re going for the series win tomorrow afternoon, so I’m calling it an early night. Because of today’s doubleheader I don’t have a starter for Wednesday, so I’ll hopefully be dreaming of some fantastic ways to juggle my pitching staff. No ideas right now besides the obvious solution of having Jose Valentin pitch all 27 innings against the Dodgers. Check back tomorrow to see if I’ve decided.

Everything's Copacetic!

Met fans, I'm giddy right now. I hope you watched the game today, it is destined to soon be referred to as an "all-time classic". The best part was that the game winning hit was produced by Endy Chavez driving in Jose Valentin! If that sentence doesn't demonstrate that I am probably the best manager that ever managed then I don't know what will. Everyone said to me, "Willie, Endy Chavez is a good triple A player and Jose Valentin is pure garbage". But now what do you have to say? Jose Valentin is tearing it up out there (did you see that phenomenal play at second base!), and I think this is the beginning of probably the best comeback since the that stapler guy from Office Space in Dodgeball after he saw his Asian wife flirting with a guy in the stands.

Okay Met fans, time to celebrate! We have an off day tomorrow, and with the money I got from pawning Lastings Milledge's massive gold necklace, I think more than a few beauties at the Carousel Club are going to be going home with their pockets a little fatter tonight!