Willie's World

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Oh I'm Back, It's True

What's up Willie Fans, I'm back!

I know the vast majority of you have missed me greatly. And even the very small minority that didn't miss me, were at worst indifferent, which is like neutral, which means they don't count, so basically everyone missed me greatly.

I missed you all too!  Well, mostly everyone. I still hate you Fred Wilpon, and that backstabbing Puerto Rican Jerry Manuel too. I also hate Sandy Alderson for not hiring me despite the fact that I went on at great length in a prior blog post how about how handsome he is and how he must have large genitalia.  Well I retract those statements completely, Smalldong Sandy.

Ironically, one person that most of America hates - Bernie Madoff - is a new hero of mine. He made Fred Wilpon look like the complete nincompoop I always knew him to be. I do, however, feel bad for everyone else who was defrauded in Madoff's piazza scheme. Hopefully everyone else gets all their money back, preferably with funds withdrawn directly from Fred Wilpon's bank accounts.

Now I'm sure many of you have been following my career closely since I unilaterally elected to leave the Mets in June 2008.  To refresh some of your memories, I took some time off to smell the roses and enjoy life with my wife and kids.  Then starting in 2009, I was the bench coach for the Milwaukee Brewers, where we won the award for cleanest bench two years running. I was also in charge of buying cookies for Prince Fielder and steroids for Ryan Braun.

After 2010, I moved on to the Baltimore Orioles, where I was bench coach and then, later on, the third base coach. I was able to bring my well-known skills at sign-inventing to the team, and I was able to completely and singlehandedly resurrect the Baltimore franchise and city.  I also wrote and directed every episode of "The Wire", but I digress.

After 2011, I realized I had forgotten what roses smelled like, and so I decided to once again unilaterally leave my job and go and smell them. But there's only so much rose-smelling a man can do.

Just recently I was invited to become third base coach of the United States team for the upcoming World Baseball Classic. It's a great honor for the team, and I'm certain they're grateful I accepted. I didn't really want to do it though, and between us, the only reason I accepted is because I wanted to travel around the world. Frankly speaking, I've had enough of seeing baseball in the United States, and I'd love to see what the baseball culture is like in other parts of the world. So after renewing my passport, I headed down to MLB headquarters to pick up my itinerary and begin the process of securing visas for the exotic locales I'd be heading to.

It turns out that the United States team is in Pool D, alongside lightweights Canada and Mexico, and perennial powerhouse Italy. It turns out that for some reason Pool D will be held in, um, Arizona, specifically at Chase Field in Phoenix. Then I was told that if we advanced, the next round would be held in, um, Miami.  But I was comforted by the fact that there was a different location for the Finals. If we advanced on to that stage, I'd be traveling to exotic...San Francisco. So, uh, shit.

Now some of you may be thinking to yourself, "Gee, Willie really messed up." But true Willie fans will know that in fact, this was my brilliant plan from the start. I'm sure you all recall my record as Mets manager at Chase Field. I was unstoppable. All I had to do was show up and we won. I didn't even need to put out a lineup card or make any double-switches, two things which you all know I am an expert at.  So as you can see, I'm a patriot who is going to lead the U.S. team to the top. And if any one of my technically-savvy readers could tell me how to delete the part about how I only accepted the job so I could travel outside the country, I would be thankful.

Anyway, I'm off to strategize some game-winning strategies.  My psychiatrist says writing these blog posts is "healthy" for me so I might start doing these on a more regular basis.  Until next time...

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Wally F*(#in! Backman?!!!? Really?

What's up Mets Fans, Willie here, you're soon to be manager again (hopefully). I say soon to be because my first round interview with Sandy Alderson went really well. You may not have read about me being interviewed in the first place, but that's because I didn't interview in Orlando like all the other "candidates." No, Sandy Alderson The Great knew that interviewing me along side everybody else might upset a few people - namely all the New Yorkers I defriended on facebook circa 2008.

So how do I know the interview went well? Because, simply, I am genius. The interview took place in northern New Jersey at a local Denny's. I invited Sandy to a delicious breakfast to talk about my future as Mets manager. Key to winning my job back #1: Have the interview on my turf. There's no place I know better than my local Denny's. I felt so comfortable I didn't bother changing out of my pajamas. Key to winning my job back #2: Order Sandy a Grand Slam. Nothing sets the tone of winning like a Grand Slam. In my glory days I ordered up over a dozen of these over the course of a single season. How many Grand Slams did the Mets hit after I left? Exactly. The Grand Slam, along with the perfect double switch and toasted Subway footlong, was one of my signature moves. Anyway, Sandy loved the bacon and sausage and told me he saw me in the Mets future.
This brings me to my next point: why are the Mets interviewing Wally Backman a second time? Let's compare Wally's resume with mine.

Wally: fired after 4 days from the Dbacks.
Me: fired from Denny's after 5 days for insisting customers order with hand signals and use the proper indicator.
Winner: ME.

Wally: Arrested twice and has financial problems.
Me: Never been arrested in non-Mexican countries. Financial problems? Talk to my accountant, David Wright.
Winner. ME.

Wally: Argues with opposing team's radio announcer in press box during games.
Me: Fills out lineup card to have Jose Reyes be opposing team's radio announcer. Ergo, no arguments and a perfectly symmetrical defense of 3 outfielders and 3 infielders.
Winner: ME.

Willy fans, I almost back! Get ready and check back soon for Willie Time 7.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I'm BACK!! (Almost)

Hello Willie fans, the time that we've all been dreaming about is here. The return of Willie Randolph to the New York Mets is nigh and I've packed all my clothes into a paper bag and I'm ready to make my glorious return to New York City.

As many of you may have heard, Omar Minaya has been fired (hahahahaha! sucker how does it feel?) and replaced with Sandy Alderson. I don't know Sandy personally but I've heard a lot about him. I know that he's smart, a seasoned veteteran, very handsome, extremely good with the ladies, very well hung in the man parts, really super good at dancing, very very funny at joke-making, and is just in general the best guy in the world.

I also know that he's now looking to hire a manager to rebuild the Mets and I would like to humbly submit my name into the hat. (Who am I kidding, there's no better choice than me. Seriously. Just pick me and let's move on.)

If you all recall, I was the manager during the greatest years of the Mets franchise, aka the 2006 season, beginning with Spring Training and ending with Endy Chavez's catch against the Cardinals in the NCLS. I forget what happened after that but clearly I wasn't involved because things went all pear-shaped. But bring me back, and the glory will soon follow.

So how would I fix the Mets? I know you Willie fans assume that my natural charm, charisma, and moustache will guide the Mets to victory after victory, but surprising as it may be, there is more to winning than just those things. I have a 6 step plan, but until I get that contract, I will only reveal 4 of those steps:

Step 1: Get rid of all the underperforming players.
- Goodbye R.A. Dickey, hello four clones of Oliver Perez.

Step 2: Add more Mets nostalgia to Citi Field to make it feel more Mets-like for the fans
- Break all the toilets; add more pickpockets to the crowd outside the stadium; make sure beams are placed in front of more seats to restrict vision


Step 4: Fire David Wright from pitching coach/hitting coach job
- Duh. He needs to focus on his job as bullpen coach.

Step 5: Make the players better
- Tell them to play better and beat them with a ruler if they don't.


There's my plan Mets fans. Just wait until Willietime 2.0 (or is it 3.0? XP? I've lost track. Let's just say it's Willietime Vista) gets underway. We'll be choking in the playoffs in no time.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Long Time, No Talk

What's up Willie fans? It's been a really long time since I've last spoken with you, my loyal loyalists. As I'm sure you've heard by now, the Mets racistly fired me and replaced me with a Puerto Rican named Jerry Manuel. I of course had no trouble finding a superior job as bench coach for the Milwaukee Brewers. Now some of you may be saying out loud to yourself, "Willie, that's a demotion. You were the manager for a large market team, but you now you're the bench coach for a perennially mediocre team that's in an area where the NFL is the first, second and third most popular sports, with sausage-eating coming in fourth and fifth and possibly even sixth." In response, I say, "Shut up".

Let me explain why I think I'm in a better spot now than I was before with the New York Mets. (First of all, what the hell is a "Met" anyway? I met a homeless guy on the walk to the Long John Silver's on McCartney Drive, is he a Met? Can he be the set-up guy?)

1. The city of Milwaukee is "greener" than New York. A lot of people would think a city like New York would be on the forefront of the Green revolution. But that's just plain wrong. I've never smoked finer weed in my life than I have here in Milwaukee. New York was good for cocaine, but in terms of green, you can't beat Milwaukee. Now if the commissioner accepts my suggestion to move the Brewers to Kingston, then maybe, but until then, I'm good.

2. The pressure was too much in New York. Nothing I could do would've been good enough for those jerks in NYC. If I won the World Series, they'd just say I was still 24 behind the Yankees. If I won back-to-back world titles, they'd say I was still 23 behind the Yankees. And if I used all my skills and got us to beat the Marlins in a September baseball game, then they'd say I probably should do that anyway considering my payroll was eight times as large as Florida's. I just couldn't win in New York.

3. In New York, I was responsible for all the decisions of the team. Which starter to take out after 3 innings, which bullpen pitcher to use to pinch-hit for David Wright, which groundskeeper to blame for the double-switch where we end up with the catcher on the mound and two shortstops (one standing on the other's shoulders of course). In Milwaukee, I'm the bench coach. I'm in charge of the bench. All I have to do is make sure that it's clean and free of debris. Occasionally I have to wash it down with some water, and varnish it every other week or so. My biggest concern is splinters going into Prince Fielder's butt. But luckily for me, he doesn't even notice when it happens. My job is heaven.

So Willie fans, I know you've been worried about me. Hopefully this post will allay your fears. Until we meet again.... take care.

Monday, July 14, 2008

The Jordan of Managers

What’s up Willie Fans, Willie here, with a very important announcement. I am coming out of retirement, at least temporarily, to manage tomorrow night’s all star game. It is true that I am always in all-star form, and I will be in a familiar place tomorrow night while I lead the National League from the dugout.

If you thought Clint Hurdle was supposed to be managing, you were technically correct until yesterday. In the same way that Clint picked my valet and errand boy David Wright to take the place of an injured Soriano, Clint picked me to replace him, as he now too is injured.

How exactly his injury occurred is quite a story. Tensions between the Mets and Rockies were running high last weekend, as is to be expected when one teaming is dominating the other. Sometime during the early innings, the Rockies started barking at Pedro at a level beyond regular baseball trash talk in a way I cannot repeat on this blog. Still on the mound, Pedro discretely points to his groin to let them know what he thinks. However, the always attentive Mets staff mistakenly thinks there is some sort of injury. Later on after Fox picks up on this, a reporter near the dugout starts to approach to ask about the Pedro. Pedro, not hiding his feelings for ugly reporters, points to his groin – a win-win situation: Pedro has told off the reporter and the reporter thinks he’s confirmed the injury.

So the whole situation escalates to the point that Ramon Castro gives the following signs to the Rockies bench: touch the nose, ear, right hand to left shoulder, middle finger, right fist raised with left arm crossing the right arm, right hand to nose. Translation: take pitch, steal, indicator, f*ck you, f*ck you, decoy. Can you imagine, Ramon had the presence of mind to steal the Rockies signs and pick up on their indicator to let them know he was for realsies when returning the trash talk.

The end of the story is that when Clint was leaving the stadium Sunday night he stubbed his toe very badly by some strategically placed baseball equipment. So thanks to the Mets Clubhouse staff, the Mets had the last word and Willie will be back (for one game). Does anybody know who the AL General Manager is? Or his number? I need to give him a call and instruct him to trade for Josh Hamilton. See you tomorrow night, Willie fans. Check back soon and lets go NL!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Retirement is Awesome

What's up Willie fans, Willie here blogging to you on his retirement/holiday. I have to say that choosing to leave the Mets was the best move I ever made. The Mets were a sinking ship and, you know how that old saying goes, "the captain gets off the ship first", so off I went.

I haven't really followed the Mets since I left the team, but I heard a lot of rumors that they had lost a bunch of games and fell to the bottom of the AL Central, so I decided to go to today's game versus the Colorado Rookies and see if they couldn't pull out a win for their old skipper. As I sat down in my seat, a reporter found me and asked if I had any tips. Of course I imparted some wisdom. I felt the Mets would be able to win the game if Pedro got outs, or if he was out of the game, if the bullpen got outs. Ideally the Mets should not give up hits, or if they absolutely had to, they should limit the Rookies to 1 or 2, or if necessary, 3 hits. But they should absolutely not give up any runs. Of course, the Mets executed my game plan perfectly, and they won; their first win in the past 35 games I believe.

Anyway, I'm off. I have to catch my yacht for my vacation to Wyoming. Peace out Willie Fans. And f*ck you Mets!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Why Jerry Will Struggle

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here, you’re at one point fearless leader. If you thought this blog would die, think again. Why I technically don’t manage the Mets any more, I never considered it my primary job in the first place (between Subway promos and the Denny’s world tour and all, I mean com’on).

So while I may not be in the clubhouse anymore, that in no way precludes me from sharing with you what’s up with the Mets. After all, I know Jerry best (as well as my former players) and will be able to offer you an excellent account of everything you want to know – why is Billy Wagner blowing saves (his yoga teacher has been testy with him recently), why is Jose vacillating between injured and good enough to go (he’s recently been employing the injured defense when he, Carlos and I play paintball, and clearly confused the baseball with a paintball and thought it was okay to play hurt for a while only to get up and pretend like nothing happened), why is David Wright sluggish (um,obviously somebody still has be responsible for my dry cleaning, grocery shopping, Chauffeuring, and general errands, fired or not am I), or why does Jerry look nervous when our pitcher bats (he is confused about the DH rule, and consequently is batting our pitcher as the DH, even though rule 104.b.3 clearly states you can only do that if he doesn’t bat 9th – I’m not sure why nobody is enforcing this).

Anyway, given that David Wright and Endy Chavez are around less, I’m actually busier doing more things for myself (somebody’s got to clip those toe nails). So I apologize, Mets fans, that I am no longer your skipper, but if we learned anything from watching that documentary on ABC called Lost, all skippers die when their boats blow up (i.e., how many games can you expect to win when your star setup man Mois Alou is out. Check back soon Metsalones fans (the name of the Dominican fantasy team I am manager of) and Mets fans. I will keep you updates with my expert opinion of the Mets as well as what’s up in WillieTown.