The Jordan of Managers

What’s up Willie Fans, Willie here, with a very important announcement. I am coming out of retirement, at least temporarily, to manage tomorrow night’s all star game. It is true that I am always in all-star form, and I will be in a familiar place tomorrow night while I lead the National League from the dugout.

If you thought Clint Hurdle was supposed to be managing, you were technically correct until yesterday. In the same way that Clint picked my valet and errand boy David Wright to take the place of an injured Soriano, Clint picked me to replace him, as he now too is injured.

How exactly his injury occurred is quite a story. Tensions between the Mets and Rockies were running high last weekend, as is to be expected when one teaming is dominating the other. Sometime during the early innings, the Rockies started barking at Pedro at a level beyond regular baseball trash talk in a way I cannot repeat on this blog. Still on the mound, Pedro discretely points to his groin to let them know what he thinks. However, the always attentive Mets staff mistakenly thinks there is some sort of injury. Later on after Fox picks up on this, a reporter near the dugout starts to approach to ask about the Pedro. Pedro, not hiding his feelings for ugly reporters, points to his groin – a win-win situation: Pedro has told off the reporter and the reporter thinks he’s confirmed the injury.

So the whole situation escalates to the point that Ramon Castro gives the following signs to the Rockies bench: touch the nose, ear, right hand to left shoulder, middle finger, right fist raised with left arm crossing the right arm, right hand to nose. Translation: take pitch, steal, indicator, f*ck you, f*ck you, decoy. Can you imagine, Ramon had the presence of mind to steal the Rockies signs and pick up on their indicator to let them know he was for realsies when returning the trash talk.

The end of the story is that when Clint was leaving the stadium Sunday night he stubbed his toe very badly by some strategically placed baseball equipment. So thanks to the Mets Clubhouse staff, the Mets had the last word and Willie will be back (for one game). Does anybody know who the AL General Manager is? Or his number? I need to give him a call and instruct him to trade for Josh Hamilton. See you tomorrow night, Willie fans. Check back soon and lets go NL!

Retirement is Awesome

What's up Willie fans, Willie here blogging to you on his retirement/holiday. I have to say that choosing to leave the Mets was the best move I ever made. The Mets were a sinking ship and, you know how that old saying goes, "the captain gets off the ship first", so off I went.

I haven't really followed the Mets since I left the team, but I heard a lot of rumors that they had lost a bunch of games and fell to the bottom of the AL Central, so I decided to go to today's game versus the Colorado Rookies and see if they couldn't pull out a win for their old skipper. As I sat down in my seat, a reporter found me and asked if I had any tips. Of course I imparted some wisdom. I felt the Mets would be able to win the game if Pedro got outs, or if he was out of the game, if the bullpen got outs. Ideally the Mets should not give up hits, or if they absolutely had to, they should limit the Rookies to 1 or 2, or if necessary, 3 hits. But they should absolutely not give up any runs. Of course, the Mets executed my game plan perfectly, and they won; their first win in the past 35 games I believe.

Anyway, I'm off. I have to catch my yacht for my vacation to Wyoming. Peace out Willie Fans. And f*ck you Mets!

Why Jerry Will Struggle

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here, you’re at one point fearless leader. If you thought this blog would die, think again. Why I technically don’t manage the Mets any more, I never considered it my primary job in the first place (between Subway promos and the Denny’s world tour and all, I mean com’on).

So while I may not be in the clubhouse anymore, that in no way precludes me from sharing with you what’s up with the Mets. After all, I know Jerry best (as well as my former players) and will be able to offer you an excellent account of everything you want to know – why is Billy Wagner blowing saves (his yoga teacher has been testy with him recently), why is Jose vacillating between injured and good enough to go (he’s recently been employing the injured defense when he, Carlos and I play paintball, and clearly confused the baseball with a paintball and thought it was okay to play hurt for a while only to get up and pretend like nothing happened), why is David Wright sluggish (um,obviously somebody still has be responsible for my dry cleaning, grocery shopping, Chauffeuring, and general errands, fired or not am I), or why does Jerry look nervous when our pitcher bats (he is confused about the DH rule, and consequently is batting our pitcher as the DH, even though rule 104.b.3 clearly states you can only do that if he doesn’t bat 9th – I’m not sure why nobody is enforcing this).

Anyway, given that David Wright and Endy Chavez are around less, I’m actually busier doing more things for myself (somebody’s got to clip those toe nails). So I apologize, Mets fans, that I am no longer your skipper, but if we learned anything from watching that documentary on ABC called Lost, all skippers die when their boats blow up (i.e., how many games can you expect to win when your star setup man Mois Alou is out. Check back soon Metsalones fans (the name of the Dominican fantasy team I am manager of) and Mets fans. I will keep you updates with my expert opinion of the Mets as well as what’s up in WillieTown.

Time Travel

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here living up to my promise of keeping you up to date again after my long hiatus from blogging (among other reasons, my carpal tunnels were flaring up). So this past week has been super exciting – enjoying the West Coast and all the wonders of being able to travel back in time 3 hours.

First there was our 3 days in San Francisco, the city that always sleeps. I was pretty tired from all the space-time travel on Sunday night (thanks, ESPN – at least you don’t show unflattering clips of my game face). So I basically slept through most of the series. Before Tuesday’s game I was taking a nap and when I woke up, I found out that Endy Chavez had filled out the lineup card and penciled in Pedro to start. I had no idea that Pedro was back or that they even used lineup cards on the West Coast, but apparently this all worked out well and Pedro will continue to pitch as Endy sees fit.

Now we’re in beautiful San Diego, and I must say the beaches are wonderful. I’ve been doing a lot of surfing – yes, I can surf with a little help. Don’t tell anybody this (especially the ladies who are impressed with my abilities), but the secret is that I send David Wright out on a massive deep sea fishing boat off the coast where I’m planning on going surfing. Then he uses patented trade secrets that I cannot reveal, and he creates waves exactly to my specifications, making it easy as pie to show off my skills.

Lastly, let me explain why I would order Scott Schoeneweis to hit Paul McAnulty even though I heard a rumor that doing so would cost us the game. I had found myself in a cat in mouse game with Bud Black, the opposing manager. The first beautiful morning I was in San Diego, I naturally hit up a Denny’s overlooking the beach. Let me tell you, the only thing better than Denny’s in New Jersey is a Denny’s overlooking the Pacific. Anyway, the place was pretty crowed but there was one open table. I was excited – until I was told it was reserved for Bud. I was annoyed, and when Bud showed up a few minutes later, I decided to pass the time waiting by deflating the tires of Bud’s car.

Later that day, thinking I had gotten Bud back, I was standing in line to get a delicious and nutritious Subway sandwich for lunch. So I’m next in line, when all of a sudden I see who else than Paul McAnulty driving away my ride that I left parked outside. Then, to add insult to injury, Bud Black appears out of nowhere, cuts me in line and orders the last Meatball Sub they have!

So you see, Mets fans, I had no choice but to send Bud and the Padres a message. They crossed the line: delaying my Denny’s experience and cutting me in line at Subway means war. While it cost us a game, it will help us in the rest of the series and the rest of the season. A happy and well fed manager is a better one. Well, gotta run and take on these Padres tonight. Check back soon for more updates and let’s go Mets!

Nobody Say Fired

Hello Met fans, it's your longtime leader, Willie here. It's been a while since I've written to you. Really long. To be exact and scientifical as I always am, it's been over a light year since I've put up a post! I know you've missed me but don't fret my pet as I am back. I want to set some issues straight so my - our - squadron can get back to winning.

1. We haven't been eliminated from the playoffs yet.
I know everyone's upset that we're not winning every game. But from what I understand, it's still spring training, so these games don't count. Except the wins. Those definitely count.

2. It's not my fault that old people get hurt.
It's not. Do I need to elaborate? I mean, it's not my fault that my oldest players, like Jose Reyes and Mike Piazza are either hurt or retired. Or both. Or neither. Look, I don't know. Leave me alone.

3. SNY is racist! I haven't seen a single episode of Homeboys from Outer Space on it yet.
Q.E.D. Wikipedia it. I just proved my point.

4. If I'm fired, that'll just add one more person to the unemployment list. And that's bad for the economy. Are you against the economy??

Anyway, I'm going to turn in. This alcohol's not going to sleep itself out of my system.

Let's go Mets!

In A League of My Own

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. As the title suggests, I have something to remind you. It’s been a while, I know, but I hope you haven’t forgotten what a brilliant mastermind I am. As my Mets are in a current hott streak, I feel that this is the perfect time to talk about myself a little and how much I contribute to this organization.

First of all, let me discuss the unfortunate injuries we’ve had and the influx of young players on the roster as a result. Actually, I can’t name any of the new players, except I swear there was this outfielder named Ben Gordon for a while. Now, obviously having grown up in hood, I know my Basketball – and I’m pretty sure Ben Gordon played guard for the Bulls last season, but decided to retire and take up a career in baseball – a la Michael Jordon. This seems like a fantastic development for the Mets, but Tom Glavine doesn’t seem thrilled about having a new golf partner (no, he’s fine with Ben, he’s just hoping that he’s never in the same foursome as Charles Barkley).

Anyway, let me discuss the reason I am a huge genius and should be hired by NASA to help with their mission of sending a monkey of a newly discovered planet (I’m hoping they name it Willie’s World, after yours truly). So, if you check the scores from around baseball, you’ll notice that it says Dodgers and Mets in the National League and all the other games are in a league called interleague. I must say, an idea of this magnitude could have only come to me while enjoying hash browns and a cup of coffee at Denny’s.

You may not understand, so let me explain. A couple of weeks ago, using my charismatic speaking skills, I convinced Bud Selig to scrap the American League and create a new league called interleague that contained all the other teams except the Mets and the Dodgers. So from here on out, we’re going to be playing the only other National League team, the Dodgers.

This means two huge things. First, half of our games will now be in LA, and as a result I’ve improved the quality of night life on the road greatly for my team. Second, and just as awesomely, it now means our chances of winning the pennant are tremendous! Seriously. No more Braves or Cardinals to worry about. All we have to do is beat the Dodgers enough times and we’ll be playing in the World Series.

Think about this, Mets fans, and thank me later. I promise to start updating more often, now that I’ve figured out how to steal Wi-Fi from my neighbor and have regular internet access. Lets Go Mets!

Wonderlicious!

Hello there Met fans! Willie here again after the most super-duper of starts to the season. We are 4-0, have outscored our opponents in every game, and best of all, we haven't lost once! I don't like to take credit when it's not due, but since in this case it's totally due, I'm going to take it all. I'm such an awesome manager! Let me go into specific details about how I've gotten our team off to such a great start:

1. I thought long and hard in the off-season about re-tooling our lineup, and one night, in a dream, the perfect solution came to me. I decided that I would bat the pitcher in the 9th spot, and put Reyes in the lead-off spot. I think this maneuver has paid off handsomely. (Nearly as handsome as me in fact.)

2. I've decided to instruct my team to do their best to score more runs than they allow the other team to score against us. I think this will definitely help us win more games. I showed them a statistic that in games where the other team scored more runs than we did, we lost 100% of the time! After I informed the team of this, I saw a stunned look come across their faces. I could tell the stats were sinking in, and I think we're seeing the results on the field.

3. And finally and perhaps most importantly, I've decided that I have to focus more on baseball and spend less time chasing women and chugging alcohol. Just kidding. Willie's got to be Willie!!!!

Anyway Met fans, big game this afternoon, my boy Tommy G. is going to take on John Smellz of the Atlanta Gay-ves. After a few celebratory shots of tequila last night (a special brew that Jose Valentin made for me in his hotel room bathtub), I came up with a new play which I may debut today, if we need it. So stay tuned and let's go Mets!!