Willie's World

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Oh I'm Back, It's True

What's up Willie Fans, I'm back!

I know the vast majority of you have missed me greatly. And even the very small minority that didn't miss me, were at worst indifferent, which is like neutral, which means they don't count, so basically everyone missed me greatly.

I missed you all too!  Well, mostly everyone. I still hate you Fred Wilpon, and that backstabbing Puerto Rican Jerry Manuel too. I also hate Sandy Alderson for not hiring me despite the fact that I went on at great length in a prior blog post how about how handsome he is and how he must have large genitalia.  Well I retract those statements completely, Smalldong Sandy.

Ironically, one person that most of America hates - Bernie Madoff - is a new hero of mine. He made Fred Wilpon look like the complete nincompoop I always knew him to be. I do, however, feel bad for everyone else who was defrauded in Madoff's piazza scheme. Hopefully everyone else gets all their money back, preferably with funds withdrawn directly from Fred Wilpon's bank accounts.

Now I'm sure many of you have been following my career closely since I unilaterally elected to leave the Mets in June 2008.  To refresh some of your memories, I took some time off to smell the roses and enjoy life with my wife and kids.  Then starting in 2009, I was the bench coach for the Milwaukee Brewers, where we won the award for cleanest bench two years running. I was also in charge of buying cookies for Prince Fielder and steroids for Ryan Braun.

After 2010, I moved on to the Baltimore Orioles, where I was bench coach and then, later on, the third base coach. I was able to bring my well-known skills at sign-inventing to the team, and I was able to completely and singlehandedly resurrect the Baltimore franchise and city.  I also wrote and directed every episode of "The Wire", but I digress.

After 2011, I realized I had forgotten what roses smelled like, and so I decided to once again unilaterally leave my job and go and smell them. But there's only so much rose-smelling a man can do.

Just recently I was invited to become third base coach of the United States team for the upcoming World Baseball Classic. It's a great honor for the team, and I'm certain they're grateful I accepted. I didn't really want to do it though, and between us, the only reason I accepted is because I wanted to travel around the world. Frankly speaking, I've had enough of seeing baseball in the United States, and I'd love to see what the baseball culture is like in other parts of the world. So after renewing my passport, I headed down to MLB headquarters to pick up my itinerary and begin the process of securing visas for the exotic locales I'd be heading to.

It turns out that the United States team is in Pool D, alongside lightweights Canada and Mexico, and perennial powerhouse Italy. It turns out that for some reason Pool D will be held in, um, Arizona, specifically at Chase Field in Phoenix. Then I was told that if we advanced, the next round would be held in, um, Miami.  But I was comforted by the fact that there was a different location for the Finals. If we advanced on to that stage, I'd be traveling to exotic...San Francisco. So, uh, shit.

Now some of you may be thinking to yourself, "Gee, Willie really messed up." But true Willie fans will know that in fact, this was my brilliant plan from the start. I'm sure you all recall my record as Mets manager at Chase Field. I was unstoppable. All I had to do was show up and we won. I didn't even need to put out a lineup card or make any double-switches, two things which you all know I am an expert at.  So as you can see, I'm a patriot who is going to lead the U.S. team to the top. And if any one of my technically-savvy readers could tell me how to delete the part about how I only accepted the job so I could travel outside the country, I would be thankful.

Anyway, I'm off to strategize some game-winning strategies.  My psychiatrist says writing these blog posts is "healthy" for me so I might start doing these on a more regular basis.  Until next time...


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  • At 9:40 PM, Blogger Toasty Joe said…

    Welcome back, my man!

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