Willie's World

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I'm BACK!! (Almost)

Hello Willie fans, the time that we've all been dreaming about is here. The return of Willie Randolph to the New York Mets is nigh and I've packed all my clothes into a paper bag and I'm ready to make my glorious return to New York City.

As many of you may have heard, Omar Minaya has been fired (hahahahaha! sucker how does it feel?) and replaced with Sandy Alderson. I don't know Sandy personally but I've heard a lot about him. I know that he's smart, a seasoned veteteran, very handsome, extremely good with the ladies, very well hung in the man parts, really super good at dancing, very very funny at joke-making, and is just in general the best guy in the world.

I also know that he's now looking to hire a manager to rebuild the Mets and I would like to humbly submit my name into the hat. (Who am I kidding, there's no better choice than me. Seriously. Just pick me and let's move on.)

If you all recall, I was the manager during the greatest years of the Mets franchise, aka the 2006 season, beginning with Spring Training and ending with Endy Chavez's catch against the Cardinals in the NCLS. I forget what happened after that but clearly I wasn't involved because things went all pear-shaped. But bring me back, and the glory will soon follow.

So how would I fix the Mets? I know you Willie fans assume that my natural charm, charisma, and moustache will guide the Mets to victory after victory, but surprising as it may be, there is more to winning than just those things. I have a 6 step plan, but until I get that contract, I will only reveal 4 of those steps:

Step 1: Get rid of all the underperforming players.
- Goodbye R.A. Dickey, hello four clones of Oliver Perez.

Step 2: Add more Mets nostalgia to Citi Field to make it feel more Mets-like for the fans
- Break all the toilets; add more pickpockets to the crowd outside the stadium; make sure beams are placed in front of more seats to restrict vision

Step 3: REDACTED UNTIL CONTRACT IS SIGNED

Step 4: Fire David Wright from pitching coach/hitting coach job
- Duh. He needs to focus on his job as bullpen coach.

Step 5: Make the players better
- Tell them to play better and beat them with a ruler if they don't.

Step 6: REDACTED UNTIL CONTRACT IS SIGNED

There's my plan Mets fans. Just wait until Willietime 2.0 (or is it 3.0? XP? I've lost track. Let's just say it's Willietime Vista) gets underway. We'll be choking in the playoffs in no time.

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