Long Time, No Talk

What's up Willie fans? It's been a really long time since I've last spoken with you, my loyal loyalists. As I'm sure you've heard by now, the Mets racistly fired me and replaced me with a Puerto Rican named Jerry Manuel. I of course had no trouble finding a superior job as bench coach for the Milwaukee Brewers. Now some of you may be saying out loud to yourself, "Willie, that's a demotion. You were the manager for a large market team, but you now you're the bench coach for a perennially mediocre team that's in an area where the NFL is the first, second and third most popular sports, with sausage-eating coming in fourth and fifth and possibly even sixth." In response, I say, "Shut up".



Let me explain why I think I'm in a better spot now than I was before with the New York Mets. (First of all, what the hell is a "Met" anyway? I met a homeless guy on the walk to the Long John Silver's on McCartney Drive, is he a Met? Can he be the set-up guy?)



1. The city of Milwaukee is "greener" than New York. A lot of people would think a city like New York would be on the forefront of the Green revolution. But that's just plain wrong. I've never smoked finer weed in my life than I have here in Milwaukee. New York was good for cocaine, but in terms of green, you can't beat Milwaukee. Now if the commissioner accepts my suggestion to move the Brewers to Kingston, then maybe, but until then, I'm good.



2. The pressure was too much in New York. Nothing I could do would've been good enough for those jerks in NYC. If I won the World Series, they'd just say I was still 24 behind the Yankees. If I won back-to-back world titles, they'd say I was still 23 behind the Yankees. And if I used all my skills and got us to beat the Marlins in a September baseball game, then they'd say I probably should do that anyway considering my payroll was eight times as large as Florida's. I just couldn't win in New York.



3. In New York, I was responsible for all the decisions of the team. Which starter to take out after 3 innings, which bullpen pitcher to use to pinch-hit for David Wright, which groundskeeper to blame for the double-switch where we end up with the catcher on the mound and two shortstops (one standing on the other's shoulders of course). In Milwaukee, I'm the bench coach. I'm in charge of the bench. All I have to do is make sure that it's clean and free of debris. Occasionally I have to wash it down with some water, and varnish it every other week or so. My biggest concern is splinters going into Prince Fielder's butt. But luckily for me, he doesn't even notice when it happens. My job is heaven.



So Willie fans, I know you've been worried about me. Hopefully this post will allay your fears. Until we meet again.... take care.