Heads Are Gonna Roll

What's up Met fans, Willie here again.

Don't say anything. Not a word. I'm horrified at what's happened over the past two days. This team is making me look really bad. And all this is happening after I got such great news. As we came back from the road trip, Fred Wilpon summoned me to his office, and he promised me a new house and a park in Long Island to be named after me if I continued this level of play. After tonight's game, however, Fred told me that he's decided to give the house and the park to umpire Angel Hernandez, my archenemy! Needless to say, I'm more than a bit distraught at this turn of events. I've lost a house, a park, and I bet Yuri, the manager at the Carousel Club, won't let me go to the VIP room for free anymore, and I'm out of Lastings Milledge necklaces to pawn. Things are quickly falling apart for me.


To add further insult to injury, when I went back to my office after the game, I saw an e-mail in my inbox from Andruw Jones:

To: willierulesnumber1@hotmail.com
From: andruwjoneshomerunmegastarcenterfielder@braves.com
Subject: HAHAHAHAHAH!

Hey Willie,

Hope you're having fun leading the NL East. I did that for a bunch of years and it sucked. Now I skip every other game and hang out with fly honeys all night long. Here's a pic of me and a few of them: http://static.flickr.com/39/101452984_8a1846bd77_o.jpg
Wish you were here....so I could rest a drink on your head while I make out with all three at once!

Hate,
Andruw


I quickly deleted that e-mail and moved on to the task at hand, namely, getting us a win in tomorrow's game. I think David Wright might be getting a bit too comfortable at third base. I saw him not hit any homeruns tonight; that's just unacceptable. Tomorrow, he's going down to Binghamton to work on some fundamentals. We're recalling John Valentin, the Binghamton hitting coach, to take his place. John is going to be starting on the mound tomorrow, with Tommy Glavine at short, Jose (Valentin of course, Reyes is going to be fetching my dry cleaning and doing other assorted chores for me all day) at fourth base, and Delgado announcing. I haven't decided whether he'll be doing radio or TV yet though.

A number of my loyal readers want to know what exactly I said to Lastings Milledge after he dogged it rounding the bases and was thrown out at home. While I detailed the excuse he gave me, I guess the fans want more. So here's a recreation of the dialogue to the best of my memory:

(Milledge comes back to the dugout after getting thrown out at home. He puts his head down and sits down on the bench in shame.)

ME: What the hell was that? Why the hell were you looking back at the ball in centerfield?
LM: I wasn't looking at the ball.
ME: Then what were you looking at? An elephant smoking a chimpanzee?
LM: Huh?
ME: Shut up! What the hell were you thinking?
LM: Well I ran into your wife before the game, and she said she was sitting out in the bleachers tonight, and I told her I'd score a sexy run for her. So as I was rounding second, I looked out at her, and gave her a wink.
ME: What the hell are you doing winking at and scoring sexy runs for,my wife?
LM: I know I was wrong, Skip, that's why I got thrown out at home on purpose. If I scored, I'd feel bad because your wife would think it was a sexy run for her. So I got thrown out, all for you!
ME: You're a good kid, Lastings. I appreciate your honesty.
LM: Speaking of honesty, can I have my necklace back?
ME: Sorry, I gotta run and do a double switch. Talk to ya later, champ.

At that point, I sped off to the other side of the dugout before he could question me further.

Anyway Met fans, I have to rest up if I want to lead us to victory tomorrow. I think it's an afternoon game, so I'd better make this drink my last and go to sleep. Let's go Mets!