Six in the Mix

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. I would just like to start by reminding all of you that these games don’t count anymore. We gave up the same number of runs in the last two days as honeys I’ve had since Saturday, so I’m not sure what to make of THAT correlation. I do believe a lot in numbers, and the fact that we gave up 12 runs on Tuesday and we lost by 12 today screams that we just might be screwed. 12 of course is 2 times 6. And 6 is obviously the number of one of the most sinister men alive, Steve Philips. I knew not making that trade for Harold Reynolds would come back to bite us! Now that Harold and Steve have figured out their chemistry (kinda like the Astros), Steve is able to use his super duper secret ancient voodoo (that Harold learned in the 1980’s) to make us lose by large amounts. It’s all in numbers. Remember, two sixes means we might not be screwed once, but twice. And 2 sixes two nights in a row is like 2 times 2, which my handy reference book tells me is 1400 in army time.

Also, some of you might have noticed that I had a heart to heart conversation with David at the end of tonight’s game. I even had my arm around him. He was pretty upset, and I can understand why. If somebody told me if my first trip to Disney World was cancelled, I would lose it. I promised David a couple of weeks ago that would go with the rest of the boys (since he’s been on decent behavior). However, Subway needs me to do some commercials the week we were planning on going, so I had no choice but to bail. I've also promised to make it up to David somehow. This, of course, is a complete lie. Actually, the whole Subway thing was a lie, too. I found out after I made these plans that Mr. Met and Mickey Mouse are archenemies! (much like Angel and myself.) I know, who would have thought? They apparently don't want it out in the public. In any case, loyalty to the team means making sacrifices. I hope David sees the lesson in all of this.

Everything will be okay though. Everybody will start to focus when the playoffs start in a few weeks. I’ll manage a good game. David will play a solid right field umpire. We’ll be set. As long as we don’t have to play those red hot Cardinals in the World Series. With a few games left, look for me to have some fun out there on the field.

Whew...

What's up Met fans, Willie here again. I've been reading on one of the websites I read every day (an illustrious list which includes www.cool.com and www.subway.com) that people are concerned about the Mets' apparent inability to hit left-handed pitchers. Let me shed some light on this. It's not because we can't, it's because we don't want to! Growing up, my grandmother always used to say that left-handed people were evil witches who could put spells on you and take your sheep away at their whim. And obviously, beating a left-handed pitcher is going to make them angry and more prone to putting spells on us and perhaps even taking our sheep away. I simply won't allow that to happen. This hopefully should explain our lack of success against lefties. Fortunately, my grandmother also always used to say that left-handed people lose their witching ability during the playoff times of professional sports leagues. So don't fret quite yet fans!

Wowee Wowee Bing Bang!

Super Duper Willie here, writing to you in a continued state of inebriation from partying two nights ago. (This may be evident from the lineup I put out for Tuesday night's game.) We clinched our first NL East title since 1988! Mega cool! I hope you fans all celebrated heartily, just as I did. The night started off with champagne for my real friends (and real pain for my sham friends, just ask Angel Hernandez, who no longer has a gall bladder). The night continued with me, David Wright, Cliffy Baseball and Pedro Martinez heading off to my favorite place, the Carousel Club in Manhattan, on the West Side highway. As I purchased Pedro a lapdance from a hottie, he broke down in tears and ran off to the bathroom. I followed him in to ask what was wrong, and he told me that he has high expectations of being able to enjoy a lapdance properly, and that he just wasn't able to enjoy the lapdance like he thinks he should've been able to. I told him to relax, and that I would make sure he got many more lapdances so he could get back into shape. Our next stop was to the Papaya Hot Dog store place thingy on 42nd street and 9th avenue. I had five delicious hot dogs, and I dumped a big bucket of relish on David Wright's head, just to hear his adorable giggling. Anyway, long story short, I woke up in some chick's apartment and had to scramble back home. In my haste, I left my underwear there. I hope she doesn't use my man hairs to try to clone me. I don't need Willie 2 undercutting me in my contract renegotiations!

For some reason, Major League Baseball is making us play the rest of these games. I'm still looking for novel and innovative ways to fuse my love of fun and boozing with my boring dugout life. I'll keep thinking! Let's go Mets!

It's All in the Family

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. Back in NY after an awesome performance in Pittsburgh – we may have been swept in the series, but I’m talking about something else. Jim Tracy and I have a long running rivalry from back in the day when we were rookies on the PBA tour. So while I’m a little disappointed about our baseball performance, I’m very happy to say there was no competition Saturday when our teams headed out to the local Holiday Inn Lanes. Not to brag, but I’m an awesome bowler (I average a score somewhere between 1550 and 1600) and am just as awesome regardless of how many Johnny Walker Blacks I’ve had.

But back to baseball. Many of you suspect that something is up. How could we have been swept by the lowly Pirates? They were the first NL team to sweep us this season, so something doesn’t seem to add up. As you may have guessed, I am responsible for this. Let me tell you the story and I’m sure you’ll understand.

Lo and behold, the explanation will start with a very hot topic these past few weeks: the magic number. As I’m sure you all know, we’ve been stuck on one for quite a while. Well, when we got to one I was all ready for some champagne. However, Tommy Glavine explained to me that we need to get to zero, and we won't clinch no matter how many times I yell Uno! at the other team.

So the magic number is still one, and guess who wears that number. Anderson Hernandez. Why does he deserve so many magic number days? Here’s why. Recently, his dads, Orlando and Roberto, have been going through some tough times. I know what a bad situation with fighting parents can do to a youngster, so I’ve shown the size of my heart and tried to help Anderson out. I’m not sure how old Anderson is, but he’s just a little bit older than David Wright, which puts him in those volatile late adolescent years.

In any case, I hope all works out with the Hernandezs. I don’t want to see this off field trouble make its way on to the mound. Maybe I tell them to consult a marriage counselor - and their very own battery mate, Paul LoDuca – for some help.

Don’t worry, Mets fans, we’re going to clinch soon. I promise. Even if I have to send Endy on a mission down the turnpike to take care of business, it will definitely get done.

Greetings From Ohio

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here, live from Pittsburgh, Ohio. I’m glad to be here and out of the Miami heat. For all of you that think I’m talking about the weather, think again. You may not believe what I’m about to say, but I swear it’s 105% true.

I’m glad to be out of the Miami heat because I was in fact captured by the Miami heat, the basketball team, and forced to be on the “inside.” Apparently, Pat Riley thought my phenomenal managerial skills could be of some use to his team. To make a long story short: Sunday night I woke up in the middle of the night and didn’t know where I was, then I’m in conference room with Pat Riley (who offers me a yellow pill and green pill. I take both exclaiming that blue is my favorite color.), then I’m watching my team give up 16 runs under the control of an imposter Willie, and then I manage to escape by hypnotizing the big guy in charge of making sure I don’t run away.

Anyway, I’m about to go out for a night on the town. We managed to get our magic number down to 2.5, and that calls for some celebration. Also, I plan on scoping out some of Pittsburgh, just like I did when I was in Philly. I’m hoping to discover some useful things. For example: what is Xavier Nady is up to? (probably teaching at Xavier University.) Do the toilets flush backwards here? (Up instead of down? I sure hope not.) Why did Pittsburgh decide to hold the all star break over three random days in July and not this weekend when my team came to town? (the Gregorian calendar, most likely) This is my last day off until Tuesday, so I’m going to make good use of it!

Today Was Bad

What's up Mets fans, Willie here again. Today was just embarrassing. Let me begin from the beginning.

After our nice victory on Saturday, I started celebrating what I thought was a nice series victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles. I started with a triple whiskey and let's just say the night ended with bodyshots! (Don't tell my wife please.) The next thing I know, I was woken up early in the morning (like 9) by a loud banging sound on my front door. I put on my robe and made my way down the stairs, and opened the door to find David Wright standing there! I yelled at him for bothering me on my off day, especially since he knows how much I like to sleep in the day after I party hearty. But incredibly, he told me that we had to play the Dodgers again, double or nothing! I'm not really sure why, but my guess is that Grady Little was embarrassed by losing and challenged us to one more game. I don't know why we agreed to it, but whatev, a bet's a bet. So David drives me to Shea Stadium. Fortunately Jerry Manuel had already made the lineup, so I got a chance to take a nice nap. Unfortunately, Steve Trachel was pitching. For some reason, watching his pitching performance today really made me have to vomit even more. It must've been the three shots of tequila I took before the game.

Now I'm not one to put too much emphasis on a player's "performance". I much prefer to go with my guts and manage like that. So after Steve's performance today, I'm sure he's due for a lot of good ones in the future. Therefore, I intend to play him in Left Field to let Cliffy Baseball have a bit more rest.

I'm going to be honest with you fans. I am bored. These games really don't mean much, and all they do is get in the way of my partying. I think I'm going to have to work hard to combine my partying with the remaining games. One idea I have is to let sexy ladies chill with me in the dugout, but I know what my buddy Keith Hernandez would say about that. I'd welcome any suggestions!

I think we're playing somebody coming up, but I don't know who. I hope Hawaii! Let's go Mets!

Math Saves the Day, Division Title, and Infant

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. It’s been a while since I’ve updated, but I’m trying to squeeze in as many rounds at the Bergen County Country Club before it gets too cold for the links. 18 holes might go by faster if my caddy, David Wright, were more adept at finding balls in the rough/woods.

Anyway, we weren’t swept by the Braves like I said we would be. Turns out they’re just too bad to let that happen. So my magic number came and went, and the Mets are still without a No-Hitter.

Funny story though. I had forgotten it was no longer my magic number, and, thinking it still was, decided to call for a rookie pitcher of mine to throw a no-hitter. I had also forgotten what the pitcher’s name was, so I just said “rookie pitcher starting tonight in an NL East game.” Then the next thing I hear, a Marlins pitcher has thrown a no-no, not Alay Soler! After expressing my disbelief that my magic number wish did not come true, Julio Franco (he’s like a father to me) reminded me that our magic number no longer was 12. On another note, Alay has apparently changed his last name to “Perez” (to avoid Castro, I assume), and acquired a love for olives (while at our triple-A affiliate in Spain, I imagine) earning him the nickname Oliver.

Finally, let me just mention a very exciting thing that happened last night. I’m talking about Jose’s inside the parker. Some of you might have immediately thought I put the play for this on. That’s actually not what happened. In a never-ending attempt to find the best way to relay signs, I put a play on with Jose up via my new system. Basically, I tell Jerry Manuel what the play is, he tells Anderson Hernandez, who then whistles a tune. Naturally, each tune corresponds to a play.

So when Jose was up, I told Jerry I wanted the two RBI double play on, but somewhere along the way that got translated into a “two double play.” Now I understand why Jose looked so confused. But he did the most logical thing and added two doubles together to get a homerun (but he knew that he would have to run around the bases as if he were running out two doubles, hence the inside the park deal). Anyway, I now understand how a guy like Jose wins the Fields Medal.

That’s all for now; I promise another post soon. I predict good things with this series against the Dodgers, mainly because we’re awesome and they’re from LA. Stay tuned, Mets fans, I can smell the division title.

WillieTime, All the Time, and Now Better Than Ever! (For a Limited Time Only)

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here, back in New York after a decent little road trip. I’m in a spectacular mood right now for quite a few reasons. Let me enumerate:

1. There’s no place like home. Once David dropped me off at my house, I was immediately able to enjoy the comforts only available when inside my plush New Jersey mansion. For example, the huge self-portrait that greets me in the entrance way – very comforting. In the kitchen, there are at least five different types of Subway sandwiches – comfort food. There are lots of other great things about my house, but I’m not one to brag.

2. We won the series in Houston. Our two victories were solid wins in tight situations, and there’s something to be said for that. For those of you who immediately thought I was responsible for Beltran’s amazing catch Saturday night, you’re actually mistaken. My ESP wasn’t quite working that night, so I wasn’t able to help Beltran out by giving him a heads up. I don’t know how he got to that ball, but I’ll be honest (as I always am) and not take credit for it.

3. Finally, the last reason I’m so pleased right now is related to the fact that we won on Saturday and the Phillies lost. As you loyal fans are probably aware, our magic number is now 12. Also, as I’m very certain you know, my uniform number is 12. As I previously explained, this has huge implications. We lost today, and you’re probably wondering how we could lose when I had the ability to do whatever I want. Well, here’s the answer: as long as we keep losing and the Phillies keep winning, our magic number will continue to match my uniform number. This means that I’ll have multiple days of being able to do super things! I know you may think this is a little selfish, but really, don’t I deserve it? How many great things have I done since back in the day when the magic number was 162? You may wonder how I plan on making sure the Phillies keep winning. I’m not worried about this part, as my gut is telling my Ryan Howard will hit his 89^th homerun in their upcoming series.

So don’t be discouraged, the Braves are probably going sweep us, but it’s three more days of WillieTime at a whole another level. And everybody enjoys WillieTime the way it is, so hold on to your hats. By the way, I used my special ability to have my pitchers only give up one hit today. I’m not sure what I’m going to use it for the next three days, but I’m sure it will be amazing. Will Valentin throw a no-hitter from second base? Endy Chavez from Center? How about 7 Grand Slam plays? In the same inning? The possibilities are endless…