Curses!

Mets fans, this is Willie. No what’s up today. In fact, consider yourself lucky that I’m even writing tonight. I’m not sure I can convey the extent of my bad mood, but I have an explanation for our team’s performance.

Some of you might think the Phillies just have it out for us after we killed Chase Utley’s streak last time we saw them. Some of you might think Tom Cruise is the most attractive man in the world. Nonsense, I say. I’m clearly more attractive than Tom Cruise, Chase Utely and the top 10% of the middle quartile of the most attractive fans from Philadelphia.

Anyway, during our last trip to Philadelphia, the well-known run-in with ex-Met Kaz Matsui occured. Little did I know this would be the beginning of some sort of curse! I should have seen it coming when Tommy Glavine and Cliffy Floyd got sick from two Kaz cheesesteaks. Let me explain things in more detail.

Our last series in Philly was the first one there since Kaz had started working his new um...position. As a result I was unable to warn my team about this hazard. This time, though, I was smart – I told them in advance not to go out for any cheesesteaks where Kaz works. I even handed out Kaz Matsui’s special edition platinum baseball cards in case anybody had forgotten what he looks like.

But this is the part in the story where I became so stunned in I needed David to get me a Fresh sandwich post haste. After an Italian Sub (with only 6 grams of fat!) I was back on my feet, though. Anyway, for reasons even I can’t imagine, Kaz decided to approach an area Philadelphia businessman and open up a conglomerate of restaurants and hotels. So by sheer dumb luck the team happens to be staying in a Kaz run hotel, and for the first two days my pitching staff has ate at the hotel restaurant. There was no way to know that the Cheesesteaks down there were Kaz steaks and thus deadly for a pitcher's well-being. But I have more bad news: in what the front office thought was a money saving move, they booked us in the hotel for the next 4 seasons. This will make life difficult for me, as I’ll have to stay up all night to make sure none of my players are eating midnight snacks there. Also, to add insult to injury, I have legitimate reason to believe this area Philadelphia business man was no other than my archenemy, Angel Hernandez.

Okay Mets fans, time to get my tub of Cookie Dough Ice Cream and watch the rest of Baseball Tonight. So far I’ve heard about a million times that Livan Hernandez gave up 11 runs in four innings for me, but I’ve called up Rick Peterson to confirm what I originally thought: I did indeed send El Duque out there to start tonight. I don’t know how they could be confused. Duque and Hernandez are not similar last names in any regard. Oh well, lets hope tomorrow’s a better day…