Stupid Joe (No, Not Torre)

What's up Met fans, Willie here. As you know, it’s been a rough past couple days. First there was the sweep up in Boston, then there was the poor performance in the Bronx. But there is some good news, the All-star selections are in and my team will be sending quite a few players to this year’s game. I haven’t actually read anything about it, but Jerry Manuel tells me we have six players, four by votes, going. I knew immediately who they were. Lastings Milledge and Endy Chavez were voted to start in the outfield, Julio Franco at first, and Jose Valentin on the left side of the infield (yes, shortstop and third at the same time). That leaves two reserve players: Carlos cool as Geltran and Heath Bell. I’m glad the Mets will be properly represented.

But now to the rant that you all know is coming. This team isn’t playing well right now. I said last time I wasn’t sure why, but now I think I’m on to the cause. Some people say it’s the huge lead we have in the division. To that I say no way, the Marlins are in the rear view mirror and could make up 12 games in a week. I’ve seen it happen before, and all my players know it happens with regular frequency.

This leaves only one thing causing this slump: Lastings Milledge is gone. While we did start this slide before he left, it started because the team found out for sure he would be sent down. I know it seems odd that we need this kid to play well, but the truth is we all need him, especially me. For example, now that’s he’s gone, David Wright has nobody to call and ask for directions when he gets lost driving me places. As a result, I have less time to devote to my managing responsibilities. This is why I haven’t worked out the kinks in the reverse squeeze play I’m having the guys learn. Another example: Lastings would place mints on everybody’s hotel pillows when we’re on the road. Now, no mints, and look at the losses. Finally, one of Lastings’ most important contributions was pitching batting practice. You may be thinking, what’s so special about Lastings’ BP sessions. The answer is that Lastings throws an excellent knuckball as well as an outstanding forkball. These two pitches really help my hitters prepare, even though we never see those pitches in a real game. The bottom line is, Lastings was a pick-me-up, and that’s why we continued to play well once he arrived. I don’t know what we’ll do now, but I’ll figure something out.

Okay, so you’re probably wondering why I chose to leave Alay out there yesterday and give up eight runs. The reason why is very simple, although I’m not particularly proud of it. The truth is that the other day my lawn needed to be mowed, but I didn’t have any cash for Joe, the kid who usually does it. So instead I sold him the managerial rights to one inning of a game. Now I thought I was smart and told him it would be the third inning, because nothing ever happens in the third inning, no double switches need to be made, no calls to the bullpen, or anything like that. Boy was I wrong; turns out the brat was a Yankee fan. So you see, Mets fans, yesterday’s loss wasn’t my fault. I mean, how was I supposed to know selling the managerial rights to one lousy inning for fifteen bucks would be a bad decision? After that the game was over, so I called it a night and start doing a Sudoku.

Alright, the Pirates are in town, and I’m excited to meet these movie stars. I loved the first Pirates of the Caribbean, but the new one should be even better. Finally, for all of you wondering what’s up with Pedro, I have the answer. It is in fact his hip that's bothering him, and as I’ve been saying in the media, he hurt it in Florida when he had to change his shirt. What I haven’t been saying is that he was hurt during the tug of war match I previously wrote about (http://willietime.blogspot.com/2006/05/trouble-in-paradise.html). We all know how tug of wars end, and Pedro was in the wrong place at the wrong time when Jose Reyes let go and sent me flying backward into Pedro, knocking him over and causing him to fall on his hip. But I’m not worried one bit, Mets fans. Things will turn around soon, I think…