Trouble in Paradise

What’s up, Willie here again. I’m in a bad mood right now. Not because we were shut down by a rookie for the fourth time this year, but because we lost because we didn’t play as a team tonight. Let me explain…

Pedro had a decent outing, but it could have been better, and would have been if I didn’t have to mess up his rhythm. As you may or may not remember, Pedro started the game with long sleeves on. Stupid you may think – it was 90 degrees with 110% humidity. But no, I told him to do it. I said, “Pedro, you haven’t won in a couple of games, so wear these super stylish sleeves tonight.” He agreed instantaneously that it would help on the mound. So anyway, a couple innings into the game and disaster strikes. I like to think my players all get along, but that wasn’t the case tonight. I was in the dugout doing what I usually do in about the third inning – checking the pitching matchups for my fantasy team – when all hell breaks loose. I’m not sure who exactly started what. All I know is that Jose Reyes was yelling something about how he would make a better DH than Jose Valentin. This of course is unacceptable, as Valentin is clearly the best player on my team at every position and would undoubtedly be most qualified to DH had President Woodrow Wilson not lobbied the League of Nations to ban it in the NL. Still, I knew I needed to put Reyes in his place right then and there. This is when I see home plate umpire Brian Gorman talking to Pedro. Pedro comes back and tells me that Brian won’t give the corners to him unless gets he rid of the super stylish sleeves. Bingo! I think. I can fix two problems at once. I’ll cut off Pedro’s sleeves so the ump won’t be jealous anymore of my team’s style, AND I’ll use the sleeves to make a rope – creating a means to have Jose and Jose settle their DH dispute. But what means you ask. The answer: TUG OF WAR. I know, sometimes I outdo myself. So it’s a rumble in the jungle of south Florida. Tommy Glavine joins Reyes’ side because he too thinks he would make a better DH than Valentin (in all fairness, Glavine is my best hitting pitcher AFTER Valentin). So I join Valentin’s side, and Jerry Manuel sets things in motion. It’s been a really long time since I last was involved in a tug of war – not since my days with the Yankees when Jason Giambi would see how many people he could defeat all by himself. Still, all you need to know is that my side won. I may have paid Rick Peterson to grab onto Glavine’s ankles, I may not have.

The end of this story is that short sleeve Pedro was bitten by a mosquito on the arm in the seventh inning and as a result things fell apart. Listen Met fans, you win some and you lose some. Things weren’t meant to work out tonight. I’ll have a talk with Reyes tomorrow and tell him he needs to keep swinging for the fences on every pitch before he starts making claims about DHing. Okay, let’s bounce back tomorrow!