Willie's World

Wally F*(#in! Backman?!!!? Really?

2010-11-17T17:29:00.002-05:00

What's up Mets Fans, Willie here, you're soon to be manager again (hopefully). I say soon to be because my first round interview with Sandy Alderson went really well. You may not have read about me being interviewed in the first place, but that's because I didn't interview in Orlando like all the other "candidates." No, Sandy Alderson The Great knew that interviewing me along side everybody else might upset a few people - namely all the New Yorkers I defriended on facebook circa 2008.

So how do I know the interview went well? Because, simply, I am genius. The interview took place in northern New Jersey at a local Denny's. I invited Sandy to a delicious breakfast to talk about my future as Mets manager. Key to winning my job back #1: Have the interview on my turf. There's no place I know better than my local Denny's. I felt so comfortable I didn't bother changing out of my pajamas. Key to winning my job back #2: Order Sandy a Grand Slam. Nothing sets the tone of winning like a Grand Slam. In my glory days I ordered up over a dozen of these over the course of a single season. How many Grand Slams did the Mets hit after I left? Exactly. The Grand Slam, along with the perfect double switch and toasted Subway footlong, was one of my signature moves. Anyway, Sandy loved the bacon and sausage and told me he saw me in the Mets future.
This brings me to my next point: why are the Mets interviewing Wally Backman a second time? Let's compare Wally's resume with mine.

Wally: fired after 4 days from the Dbacks.
Me: fired from Denny's after 5 days for insisting customers order with hand signals and use the proper indicator.
Winner: ME.

Wally: Arrested twice and has financial problems.
Me: Never been arrested in non-Mexican countries. Financial problems? Talk to my accountant, David Wright.
Winner. ME.

Wally: Argues with opposing team's radio announcer in press box during games.
Me: Fills out lineup card to have Jose Reyes be opposing team's radio announcer. Ergo, no arguments and a perfectly symmetrical defense of 3 outfielders and 3 infielders.
Winner: ME.

Willy fans, I almost back! Get ready and check back soon for Willie Time 7.

I'm BACK!! (Almost)

2010-10-31T16:28:00.003-04:00

Hello Willie fans, the time that we've all been dreaming about is here. The return of Willie Randolph to the New York Mets is nigh and I've packed all my clothes into a paper bag and I'm ready to make my glorious return to New York City.

As many of you may have heard, Omar Minaya has been fired (hahahahaha! sucker how does it feel?) and replaced with Sandy Alderson. I don't know Sandy personally but I've heard a lot about him. I know that he's smart, a seasoned veteteran, very handsome, extremely good with the ladies, very well hung in the man parts, really super good at dancing, very very funny at joke-making, and is just in general the best guy in the world.

I also know that he's now looking to hire a manager to rebuild the Mets and I would like to humbly submit my name into the hat. (Who am I kidding, there's no better choice than me. Seriously. Just pick me and let's move on.)

If you all recall, I was the manager during the greatest years of the Mets franchise, aka the 2006 season, beginning with Spring Training and ending with Endy Chavez's catch against the Cardinals in the NCLS. I forget what happened after that but clearly I wasn't involved because things went all pear-shaped. But bring me back, and the glory will soon follow.

So how would I fix the Mets? I know you Willie fans assume that my natural charm, charisma, and moustache will guide the Mets to victory after victory, but surprising as it may be, there is more to winning than just those things. I have a 6 step plan, but until I get that contract, I will only reveal 4 of those steps:

Step 1: Get rid of all the underperforming players.
- Goodbye R.A. Dickey, hello four clones of Oliver Perez.

Step 2: Add more Mets nostalgia to Citi Field to make it feel more Mets-like for the fans
- Break all the toilets; add more pickpockets to the crowd outside the stadium; make sure beams are placed in front of more seats to restrict vision

Step 3: REDACTED UNTIL CONTRACT IS SIGNED

Step 4: Fire David Wright from pitching coach/hitting coach job
- Duh. He needs to focus on his job as bullpen coach.

Step 5: Make the players better
- Tell them to play better and beat them with a ruler if they don't.

Step 6: REDACTED UNTIL CONTRACT IS SIGNED

There's my plan Mets fans. Just wait until Willietime 2.0 (or is it 3.0? XP? I've lost track. Let's just say it's Willietime Vista) gets underway. We'll be choking in the playoffs in no time.

Long Time, No Talk

2010-06-13T20:13:00.002-04:00

What's up Willie fans? It's been a really long time since I've last spoken with you, my loyal loyalists. As I'm sure you've heard by now, the Mets racistly fired me and replaced me with a Puerto Rican named Jerry Manuel. I of course had no trouble finding a superior job as bench coach for the Milwaukee Brewers. Now some of you may be saying out loud to yourself, "Willie, that's a demotion. You were the manager for a large market team, but you now you're the bench coach for a perennially mediocre team that's in an area where the NFL is the first, second and third most popular sports, with sausage-eating coming in fourth and fifth and possibly even sixth." In response, I say, "Shut up".

Let me explain why I think I'm in a better spot now than I was before with the New York Mets. (First of all, what the hell is a "Met" anyway? I met a homeless guy on the walk to the Long John Silver's on McCartney Drive, is he a Met? Can he be the set-up guy?)

1. The city of Milwaukee is "greener" than New York. A lot of people would think a city like New York would be on the forefront of the Green revolution. But that's just plain wrong. I've never smoked finer weed in my life than I have here in Milwaukee. New York was good for cocaine, but in terms of green, you can't beat Milwaukee. Now if the commissioner accepts my suggestion to move the Brewers to Kingston, then maybe, but until then, I'm good.

2. The pressure was too much in New York. Nothing I could do would've been good enough for those jerks in NYC. If I won the World Series, they'd just say I was still 24 behind the Yankees. If I won back-to-back world titles, they'd say I was still 23 behind the Yankees. And if I used all my skills and got us to beat the Marlins in a September baseball game, then they'd say I probably should do that anyway considering my payroll was eight times as large as Florida's. I just couldn't win in New York.

3. In New York, I was responsible for all the decisions of the team. Which starter to take out after 3 innings, which bullpen pitcher to use to pinch-hit for David Wright, which groundskeeper to blame for the double-switch where we end up with the catcher on the mound and two shortstops (one standing on the other's shoulders of course). In Milwaukee, I'm the bench coach. I'm in charge of the bench. All I have to do is make sure that it's clean and free of debris. Occasionally I have to wash it down with some water, and varnish it every other week or so. My biggest concern is splinters going into Prince Fielder's butt. But luckily for me, he doesn't even notice when it happens. My job is heaven.

So Willie fans, I know you've been worried about me. Hopefully this post will allay your fears. Until we meet again.... take care.

The Jordan of Managers

2008-07-14T22:11:00.002-04:00

What’s up Willie Fans, Willie here, with a very important announcement. I am coming out of retirement, at least temporarily, to manage tomorrow night’s all star game. It is true that I am always in all-star form, and I will be in a familiar place tomorrow night while I lead the National League from the dugout.

If you thought Clint Hurdle was supposed to be managing, you were technically correct until yesterday. In the same way that Clint picked my valet and errand boy David Wright to take the place of an injured Soriano, Clint picked me to replace him, as he now too is injured.

How exactly his injury occurred is quite a story. Tensions between the Mets and Rockies were running high last weekend, as is to be expected when one teaming is dominating the other. Sometime during the early innings, the Rockies started barking at Pedro at a level beyond regular baseball trash talk in a way I cannot repeat on this blog. Still on the mound, Pedro discretely points to his groin to let them know what he thinks. However, the always attentive Mets staff mistakenly thinks there is some sort of injury. Later on after Fox picks up on this, a reporter near the dugout starts to approach to ask about the Pedro. Pedro, not hiding his feelings for ugly reporters, points to his groin – a win-win situation: Pedro has told off the reporter and the reporter thinks he’s confirmed the injury.

So the whole situation escalates to the point that Ramon Castro gives the following signs to the Rockies bench: touch the nose, ear, right hand to left shoulder, middle finger, right fist raised with left arm crossing the right arm, right hand to nose. Translation: take pitch, steal, indicator, f*ck you, f*ck you, decoy. Can you imagine, Ramon had the presence of mind to steal the Rockies signs and pick up on their indicator to let them know he was for realsies when returning the trash talk.

The end of the story is that when Clint was leaving the stadium Sunday night he stubbed his toe very badly by some strategically placed baseball equipment. So thanks to the Mets Clubhouse staff, the Mets had the last word and Willie will be back (for one game). Does anybody know who the AL General Manager is? Or his number? I need to give him a call and instruct him to trade for Josh Hamilton. See you tomorrow night, Willie fans. Check back soon and lets go NL!

Retirement is Awesome

2008-07-12T21:29:00.003-04:00

What's up Willie fans, Willie here blogging to you on his retirement/holiday. I have to say that choosing to leave the Mets was the best move I ever made. The Mets were a sinking ship and, you know how that old saying goes, "the captain gets off the ship first", so off I went.

I haven't really followed the Mets since I left the team, but I heard a lot of rumors that they had lost a bunch of games and fell to the bottom of the AL Central, so I decided to go to today's game versus the Colorado Rookies and see if they couldn't pull out a win for their old skipper. As I sat down in my seat, a reporter found me and asked if I had any tips. Of course I imparted some wisdom. I felt the Mets would be able to win the game if Pedro got outs, or if he was out of the game, if the bullpen got outs. Ideally the Mets should not give up hits, or if they absolutely had to, they should limit the Rookies to 1 or 2, or if necessary, 3 hits. But they should absolutely not give up any runs. Of course, the Mets executed my game plan perfectly, and they won; their first win in the past 35 games I believe.

Anyway, I'm off. I have to catch my yacht for my vacation to Wyoming. Peace out Willie Fans. And f*ck you Mets!

Why Jerry Will Struggle

2008-06-23T20:54:00.004-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here, you’re at one point fearless leader. If you thought this blog would die, think again. Why I technically don’t manage the Mets any more, I never considered it my primary job in the first place (between Subway promos and the Denny’s world tour and all, I mean com’on).

So while I may not be in the clubhouse anymore, that in no way precludes me from sharing with you what’s up with the Mets. After all, I know Jerry best (as well as my former players) and will be able to offer you an excellent account of everything you want to know – why is Billy Wagner blowing saves (his yoga teacher has been testy with him recently), why is Jose vacillating between injured and good enough to go (he’s recently been employing the injured defense when he, Carlos and I play paintball, and clearly confused the baseball with a paintball and thought it was okay to play hurt for a while only to get up and pretend like nothing happened), why is David Wright sluggish (um,obviously somebody still has be responsible for my dry cleaning, grocery shopping, Chauffeuring, and general errands, fired or not am I), or why does Jerry look nervous when our pitcher bats (he is confused about the DH rule, and consequently is batting our pitcher as the DH, even though rule 104.b.3 clearly states you can only do that if he doesn’t bat 9th – I’m not sure why nobody is enforcing this).

Anyway, given that David Wright and Endy Chavez are around less, I’m actually busier doing more things for myself (somebody’s got to clip those toe nails). So I apologize, Mets fans, that I am no longer your skipper, but if we learned anything from watching that documentary on ABC called Lost, all skippers die when their boats blow up (i.e., how many games can you expect to win when your star setup man Mois Alou is out. Check back soon Metsalones fans (the name of the Dominican fantasy team I am manager of) and Mets fans. I will keep you updates with my expert opinion of the Mets as well as what’s up in WillieTown.

Time Travel

2008-06-07T22:13:00.002-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here living up to my promise of keeping you up to date again after my long hiatus from blogging (among other reasons, my carpal tunnels were flaring up). So this past week has been super exciting – enjoying the West Coast and all the wonders of being able to travel back in time 3 hours.

First there was our 3 days in San Francisco, the city that always sleeps. I was pretty tired from all the space-time travel on Sunday night (thanks, ESPN – at least you don’t show unflattering clips of my game face). So I basically slept through most of the series. Before Tuesday’s game I was taking a nap and when I woke up, I found out that Endy Chavez had filled out the lineup card and penciled in Pedro to start. I had no idea that Pedro was back or that they even used lineup cards on the West Coast, but apparently this all worked out well and Pedro will continue to pitch as Endy sees fit.

Now we’re in beautiful San Diego, and I must say the beaches are wonderful. I’ve been doing a lot of surfing – yes, I can surf with a little help. Don’t tell anybody this (especially the ladies who are impressed with my abilities), but the secret is that I send David Wright out on a massive deep sea fishing boat off the coast where I’m planning on going surfing. Then he uses patented trade secrets that I cannot reveal, and he creates waves exactly to my specifications, making it easy as pie to show off my skills.

Lastly, let me explain why I would order Scott Schoeneweis to hit Paul McAnulty even though I heard a rumor that doing so would cost us the game. I had found myself in a cat in mouse game with Bud Black, the opposing manager. The first beautiful morning I was in San Diego, I naturally hit up a Denny’s overlooking the beach. Let me tell you, the only thing better than Denny’s in New Jersey is a Denny’s overlooking the Pacific. Anyway, the place was pretty crowed but there was one open table. I was excited – until I was told it was reserved for Bud. I was annoyed, and when Bud showed up a few minutes later, I decided to pass the time waiting by deflating the tires of Bud’s car.

Later that day, thinking I had gotten Bud back, I was standing in line to get a delicious and nutritious Subway sandwich for lunch. So I’m next in line, when all of a sudden I see who else than Paul McAnulty driving away my ride that I left parked outside. Then, to add insult to injury, Bud Black appears out of nowhere, cuts me in line and orders the last Meatball Sub they have!

So you see, Mets fans, I had no choice but to send Bud and the Padres a message. They crossed the line: delaying my Denny’s experience and cutting me in line at Subway means war. While it cost us a game, it will help us in the rest of the series and the rest of the season. A happy and well fed manager is a better one. Well, gotta run and take on these Padres tonight. Check back soon for more updates and let’s go Mets!

Nobody Say Fired

2008-05-25T03:19:00.003-04:00

Hello Met fans, it's your longtime leader, Willie here. It's been a while since I've written to you. Really long. To be exact and scientifical as I always am, it's been over a light year since I've put up a post! I know you've missed me but don't fret my pet as I am back. I want to set some issues straight so my - our - squadron can get back to winning.

1. We haven't been eliminated from the playoffs yet.
I know everyone's upset that we're not winning every game. But from what I understand, it's still spring training, so these games don't count. Except the wins. Those definitely count.

2. It's not my fault that old people get hurt.
It's not. Do I need to elaborate? I mean, it's not my fault that my oldest players, like Jose Reyes and Mike Piazza are either hurt or retired. Or both. Or neither. Look, I don't know. Leave me alone.

3. SNY is racist! I haven't seen a single episode of Homeboys from Outer Space on it yet.
Q.E.D. Wikipedia it. I just proved my point.

4. If I'm fired, that'll just add one more person to the unemployment list. And that's bad for the economy. Are you against the economy??

Anyway, I'm going to turn in. This alcohol's not going to sleep itself out of my system.

Let's go Mets!

In A League of My Own

2007-06-12T13:41:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. As the title suggests, I have something to remind you. It’s been a while, I know, but I hope you haven’t forgotten what a brilliant mastermind I am. As my Mets are in a current hott streak, I feel that this is the perfect time to talk about myself a little and how much I contribute to this organization.

First of all, let me discuss the unfortunate injuries we’ve had and the influx of young players on the roster as a result. Actually, I can’t name any of the new players, except I swear there was this outfielder named Ben Gordon for a while. Now, obviously having grown up in hood, I know my Basketball – and I’m pretty sure Ben Gordon played guard for the Bulls last season, but decided to retire and take up a career in baseball – a la Michael Jordon. This seems like a fantastic development for the Mets, but Tom Glavine doesn’t seem thrilled about having a new golf partner (no, he’s fine with Ben, he’s just hoping that he’s never in the same foursome as Charles Barkley).

Anyway, let me discuss the reason I am a huge genius and should be hired by NASA to help with their mission of sending a monkey of a newly discovered planet (I’m hoping they name it Willie’s World, after yours truly). So, if you check the scores from around baseball, you’ll notice that it says Dodgers and Mets in the National League and all the other games are in a league called interleague. I must say, an idea of this magnitude could have only come to me while enjoying hash browns and a cup of coffee at Denny’s.

You may not understand, so let me explain. A couple of weeks ago, using my charismatic speaking skills, I convinced Bud Selig to scrap the American League and create a new league called interleague that contained all the other teams except the Mets and the Dodgers. So from here on out, we’re going to be playing the only other National League team, the Dodgers.

This means two huge things. First, half of our games will now be in LA, and as a result I’ve improved the quality of night life on the road greatly for my team. Second, and just as awesomely, it now means our chances of winning the pennant are tremendous! Seriously. No more Braves or Cardinals to worry about. All we have to do is beat the Dodgers enough times and we’ll be playing in the World Series.

Think about this, Mets fans, and thank me later. I promise to start updating more often, now that I’ve figured out how to steal Wi-Fi from my neighbor and have regular internet access. Lets Go Mets!

Wonderlicious!

2007-04-07T13:29:00.000-04:00

Hello there Met fans! Willie here again after the most super-duper of starts to the season. We are 4-0, have outscored our opponents in every game, and best of all, we haven't lost once! I don't like to take credit when it's not due, but since in this case it's totally due, I'm going to take it all. I'm such an awesome manager! Let me go into specific details about how I've gotten our team off to such a great start:

1. I thought long and hard in the off-season about re-tooling our lineup, and one night, in a dream, the perfect solution came to me. I decided that I would bat the pitcher in the 9th spot, and put Reyes in the lead-off spot. I think this maneuver has paid off handsomely. (Nearly as handsome as me in fact.)

2. I've decided to instruct my team to do their best to score more runs than they allow the other team to score against us. I think this will definitely help us win more games. I showed them a statistic that in games where the other team scored more runs than we did, we lost 100% of the time! After I informed the team of this, I saw a stunned look come across their faces. I could tell the stats were sinking in, and I think we're seeing the results on the field.

3. And finally and perhaps most importantly, I've decided that I have to focus more on baseball and spend less time chasing women and chugging alcohol. Just kidding. Willie's got to be Willie!!!!

Anyway Met fans, big game this afternoon, my boy Tommy G. is going to take on John Smellz of the Atlanta Gay-ves. After a few celebratory shots of tequila last night (a special brew that Jose Valentin made for me in his hotel room bathtub), I came up with a new play which I may debut today, if we need it. So stay tuned and let's go Mets!!

The Season Is Almost Upon Us

2007-03-25T18:20:00.000-04:00

What's up Met fans, Willie here again. We are exactly one week away from Opening Day. We will be traveling to St. Louis, Minnesota to take on the evil Cardinals. I'm not sure who's going to be starting that game for us, but I think it'll most likely be one of our pitchers. I want to reduce the workload of Jose Valentin, so I won't be having him pitch in games quite yet.

We had a bad thing happen today, with Lastings Milledge getting hit on the wrist by a pitch. He's been taken to the hospital for x-rays, and hopefully he will be just fine. Just in case, I've had Mike Pelfrey added to the roster and ready to back up Shawn Green in RF.

A lot of people have asked me what's going on with Duaner Sanchez. It became a big deal when I sent Sanchez home from camp. So I thought I would use my blog to give everyone the details. As my long-time fans know by now, my favorite food is a plain jack cheese quesadilla. No chicken, no sauce, no nothing, just plain jack cheese. Since I know Duaner is a Mexican, I asked him to make me some quesadillas, as I was feeling a little hungry. But he replied that he was "not Mexican" and proceeded to hurl a few profanities at me. Now I won't stand for someone who does not know his own heritage, so I sent Duaner home to watch Telemundo and learn about who he is. Unfortunately, this minor incident has been blown out of proportion. Duaner came back the next day, and tearfully apologized to me for not making me the quesadillas I asked for, and of course I forgave him. So it's all good!

Anyway, I think it's time to head to the hotel bar to relax a little. Later Met fans!

Spring Break/Training Update

2007-02-19T19:55:00.000-05:00

What's up Met fans, Willie here again. It was heartening to see that my fans had not forgotten me, thank you for all the comments! Even my cousin, Crazy Linda, came out to show her support!

Pitchers and catchers just reported, and it was nice to meet all the new faces. Chan Ho Park is the one I was most excited to meet. I loved him in Romeo Must Die and Kung Fu Hustle, and I couldn't wait to get his autograph. Since Omar invited about 75 pitchers to camp, we had to sign some extra catchers, starting with my old friend Sandy Alomar, Jr. I think Sandy will bring some much-needed youth to our team.

A lot of people have expressed concerns about our starting rotation this year. They're saying things like we have no solid pitchers, since Glavine and El Duque are both over 40, and everyone else is a question mark at best. I don't think ANYBODY can call Aaron Sele a question mark. If I had to compare Aaron to a punctuation mark, I would say without hesitation that he is a period, at the end of the sentence which has the subject "Aaron Sele" and the predicate "is awesome." He's that period. End of sentence.

To much fanfare, Lastings Milledge reported to camp today. I was really glad to catch up with him, and since we hadn't talked all winter, he had many questions for me. One of them was about the whereabouts of his infamous massive gold necklace. (Loyal readers will recall that I pawned said necklace for a fun night at the Carousel Club.) Fortunately, I had spent all winter thinking of an excuse. So I told him that the person who had stolen his necklace was none other than Steve Trachsel. I also told Lastings that Steve hates all minorities. Oh boy Steve, I hope you never get in a room with Lastings!!

Anyway, since I believe that Spring Training and Spring Break are synonymous, I've spent as much time boozing as I have paying attention to baseball. It's time for some Mets fan-itas to come over to the Willie suite. Later playas!

Back From Vaca

2007-01-06T03:22:00.000-05:00

What's up Met fans?? Wilie back again. After our NLCS non-victory (defeat is not in my vocabulary), I went on a vacation to Sangfupong Beach in Northeastern Cambodia. It was awesome! I stayed at the Asthy Hotel and enjoyed room service. all day and all night (Who knew Cambodians knew how to make the best Orange Julius?!?) Anyway, as I arrived back in the NYC, my assistant coach Endy Chavez gave me a list of the happenings over the winter. I was stunned. I couldn't believe the summer Omar has had so far! I mean, David Newhan!!!! I've wanted him on my team since 1974. I think this will be the best roster move since the Yankees (a team which I formerly played a position for) signed Hideki Irabu. (FYI, in Japan, they called Irabu "Kochiro-san", which apparently translates to "Better than Matsuzaka and Yoshii combined".) Anyway, I am crazy jet-lagged right now. But I will update you with what I hear ASAP! (Okay before I sign off, one last rumor hot off the presses. Omar is looking into trading for Mike Piazza. When you can obtain a talent like Piazza, you have to go for it.) Go Mets!

Best of 7??

2006-10-19T15:16:00.000-04:00

Apparently the NLCS is best of seven, and not best of nine like I orginally thought. Things make a lot more sense now. For example, now I understand why everybody was so glad we won last night. Also, I know see why people are so curious to see who will be starting tonight. But they should know me well enough by now to know that the answer is John Maine. He's finally had a good postseason start, and I want to ride his momentum. Also, the trade for Jeff Suppan apparently fell through - something to with waivers or something. Maybe it was waffles.
Speaking of waffles, they were super excellent this morning at Denny's. I know we're going to win tonight. Whenever I have a great breakfast at my favorite place we usually win some of the majority of the times we play baseball games against an opposing team.
Okay, I got to get back to work. Rather, start working. Game time in not too long. Since tonight will be a huge win, I plan on starting the celebration gradually. Because you can't start a party that big without easing into it. Also, I'm doing David Wright a favor and not making him do stuff for me so he can concentrate on remembering how an at-bat works. With that being said, I need any fans coming to tonight's game with tickets for field level to sneak me a few bottles of Johnny Walker Black.
Let's go Mets!

What's Going On Here?

2006-10-15T23:51:00.000-04:00

What's up Mets fans, Willie here. I'm awesomely excited about our win tonight. We really needed it. Let's go over a few things.
First, let me congratulate Jose Valentin on executing a practiced play perfectly. When he failed to tag out the runner attempting to steal for no apparent reason besides lack of ability, he gets the Cardinals hitters to fall into his trap. The very next batter, just as expected, grounded the ball to him thinking he can’t play any D – but of course they were wrong. I personally take credit for teaching Jose this concept.

Also, I bet some of you are wondering why I didn’t put on the grand slam play tonight. I did after all have about 19 opportunities to put it on in the sixth. If you remember from earlier in the season, Tony stole the signs for this play. As any good manager would do, I’ve given up on trying to outsmart the opposing manager. Instead I’m saving my energy to do more important things. Like what you say? Well, I’m convinced Saint Louis has some sort of night life, and I’m intent on searching for as long as necessary until I find it.

So game 5 tomorrow. Tommy Glavine will not be starting, at least I don’t think. Instead I think I’m going to call up Omar and ask him to put together a trade for Jeff Suppan. This is what I call a win-win-win situation. A) Glavine gets pushed back and has his full four days of rest. B) Suppan shuts down the other team (not us!) because he’s so awesome. C) We win the game because of reason B.

That’s all for now. Let’s go Mets!

We Win! I Win! Paris Wins! That Makes it 3-0.

2006-10-08T00:47:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie hereeeeeeeeeeeeeee, NLDS champ and ready to celebrate like never before out here in LA. I got my plans all set up. Paris Hilton texted me in the fifth inning to wish me luck and told me she was ready to enjoy the victory with me and Cliffy Baseball tonight. Of course, Jeff Kent teed off on a pitch shortly thereafter and I started losing hope.

Speaking of Cliffy Baseball, I’m afraid tonight’s victory came at a price. I’m not sure Cliff will be able to be play for a while. No, his Achilles tendon his perfectly fine, but after his trip around the bases, Endy Chavez stole his left shoe and refuses to give it back. He is demanding to start every game in the NLCS, as well as a promise from me that he won’t have to vacuum for me anytime soon. I absolutely refuse to give in to such a ridiculous demand and let him out of his chores. So Cliff might not be playing for a while, either because he has no shoe or because I have to play Endy.

So it’s Saturday night, I’m in LA, and I’m ready to go. I just called up Tommy LaSorda and he’s agreed to come out with me and put the bitter feelings on hold for the night. You probably are thinking that I only would be celebrating with the whole team, but that’s not true. For example, Steve Trachel’s wife called me to tell me that she was expecting him to go home to her, but I couldn’t make myself tell her that he actually would be bailing on her to hang out with Hugh Grant. There are very few male actors worth risking a marriage on, but they all have one thing in common: Scottish accents.

Okay, so we’re back in NYC on Wednesday against either the Padres or the Cardinals. I honestly don’t want to face Mark McGwire, so I hope the Padres win. But we have so many off days, I don’t have to think about baseball responsibilities for a while. In case you need to be reminded, I’m the hottest manager in all of baseball, and this team is going all the way. Let’s go Mets!

In Controller

2006-10-05T00:19:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here, up 1-0 in the NLDS. It was a great game today. I was able to get a lot out of John Maine. Question: why did I take him out in the fifth? Answer: Somebody has to pitch games 3, 4 and 5.

So you may be wondering how on Earth Paul LoDuca turned a double play all by himself. Let me tell you what I think perspired. John Maine makes a bad pitch and as expected the ball is hit quite far. Then Grady Little, as excited as a kid in a Subway shop, accidentally hit the send all runners button on his Xbox controller. As we all know, this almost always spells disaster. For all of you who may not be familiar with the Xbox controller, it is essentially a mind control device designed by and named after a former Met named Xavier. I’m not an astrophysicist, but it essentially gives the manager control over his players. Now, since I’m old school, I don’t use such things, and I certainly don’t need one.

Speaking of making players do what you want, let’s talk about Mr. Mota’s at-bat. As an equal opportunity manager who lets players with last names starting with any letter of the alphabet hit Grand Slams, I sent Guillermo up there, put on the usual signs for the GS play, sat back and poured myself a Hennessey and Diet Pepsi. What I saw next was unfortunately not what I expected. No need to get upset though – I plan on giving him a chance to redeem himself in the near future.

That’s all for now, Mets fans. I really, really hope we win tomorrow. This way we can forfeit the two games in LA, have an awesome weekend in NYC, then play on Monday and get the needed third win. Think about how cost effective that would be. And then we could use that money replace the bat boys with robots. That would tremendous. Good night and lets go Mets!!

WillieTime - October Style

2006-10-03T23:54:00.000-04:00

Hey Mets fans, Willie here, the new Willie, Willie 2.0, PLAYOFF time Willie. I’m feeling great. Actually, that’s not true. It’s the night before the first playoff game and I can’t fall asleep. I’m so nervous. Are we wearing the pinstripe uniforms tomorrow?? Or did Julio say the all white ones? I got to know which set to tell David to bring to the game tomorrow. I hope he had them dry cleaned like I told him to.

So this is what we’ve been waiting for. I think we got a good first round match up with the Lakers. I’ve got it all figured out. Jose Reyes will run the point, Carlos Delgado at the 2 guard, Carlos cool as Geltran as the small forward, and finally, Endy as the big man down low. Also, David Wright will be cheerleading. This postseason stuff is tricky, but I’ve put the work in and am excited to see my product out on the field tomorrow. Oh, and notice how I only listed four players. That’s because I’m saving everybody else to pitch in NLCS. Jose Valentin can only throw every other game, so that leaves some spots to be filled. Given the way my pitchers are dropping like flies these days, I’ve got to have as many people ready to go as possible. But that’s too much thinking ahead.

Let me tell you why El Duque hurt himself. One word: monkey in the middle. Yeah, it’s not that nice. Sure it makes people feel bad. But hey, I enjoyed it. So basically during our workout Monday I decided it would boost team moral if we all played monkey in the middle with Orlando’s glove instead of practicing the squeeze play (something we didn’t do all season long). Somewhere in between his sprint from almost getting the glove from Sandy Alomar to laying out to try to pick off my throw, El Duque tripped and hurt his calf. Oh well.

One a final note, I discovered that Willie Wonka had been impersonating me during our not so great stretch at the end of the season. You have nothing to worry about, I’ve recently had Tony Soprano fix that problem for me. (And he did for it for nothing in return!).

Anyway, big day tomorrow. I promise an update after every game, so keep checking back. Let’s go Mets!

Six in the Mix

2006-09-27T22:41:00.001-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. I would just like to start by reminding all of you that these games don’t count anymore. We gave up the same number of runs in the last two days as honeys I’ve had since Saturday, so I’m not sure what to make of THAT correlation. I do believe a lot in numbers, and the fact that we gave up 12 runs on Tuesday and we lost by 12 today screams that we just might be screwed. 12 of course is 2 times 6. And 6 is obviously the number of one of the most sinister men alive, Steve Philips. I knew not making that trade for Harold Reynolds would come back to bite us! Now that Harold and Steve have figured out their chemistry (kinda like the Astros), Steve is able to use his super duper secret ancient voodoo (that Harold learned in the 1980’s) to make us lose by large amounts. It’s all in numbers. Remember, two sixes means we might not be screwed once, but twice. And 2 sixes two nights in a row is like 2 times 2, which my handy reference book tells me is 1400 in army time.

Also, some of you might have noticed that I had a heart to heart conversation with David at the end of tonight’s game. I even had my arm around him. He was pretty upset, and I can understand why. If somebody told me if my first trip to Disney World was cancelled, I would lose it. I promised David a couple of weeks ago that would go with the rest of the boys (since he’s been on decent behavior). However, Subway needs me to do some commercials the week we were planning on going, so I had no choice but to bail. I've also promised to make it up to David somehow. This, of course, is a complete lie. Actually, the whole Subway thing was a lie, too. I found out after I made these plans that Mr. Met and Mickey Mouse are archenemies! (much like Angel and myself.) I know, who would have thought? They apparently don't want it out in the public. In any case, loyalty to the team means making sacrifices. I hope David sees the lesson in all of this.

Everything will be okay though. Everybody will start to focus when the playoffs start in a few weeks. I’ll manage a good game. David will play a solid right field umpire. We’ll be set. As long as we don’t have to play those red hot Cardinals in the World Series. With a few games left, look for me to have some fun out there on the field.

Whew...

2006-09-25T18:46:00.000-04:00

What's up Met fans, Willie here again. I've been reading on one of the websites I read every day (an illustrious list which includes www.cool.com and www.subway.com) that people are concerned about the Mets' apparent inability to hit left-handed pitchers. Let me shed some light on this. It's not because we can't, it's because we don't want to! Growing up, my grandmother always used to say that left-handed people were evil witches who could put spells on you and take your sheep away at their whim. And obviously, beating a left-handed pitcher is going to make them angry and more prone to putting spells on us and perhaps even taking our sheep away. I simply won't allow that to happen. This hopefully should explain our lack of success against lefties. Fortunately, my grandmother also always used to say that left-handed people lose their witching ability during the playoff times of professional sports leagues. So don't fret quite yet fans!

Wowee Wowee Bing Bang!

2006-09-20T09:28:00.000-04:00

Super Duper Willie here, writing to you in a continued state of inebriation from partying two nights ago. (This may be evident from the lineup I put out for Tuesday night's game.) We clinched our first NL East title since 1988! Mega cool! I hope you fans all celebrated heartily, just as I did. The night started off with champagne for my real friends (and real pain for my sham friends, just ask Angel Hernandez, who no longer has a gall bladder). The night continued with me, David Wright, Cliffy Baseball and Pedro Martinez heading off to my favorite place, the Carousel Club in Manhattan, on the West Side highway. As I purchased Pedro a lapdance from a hottie, he broke down in tears and ran off to the bathroom. I followed him in to ask what was wrong, and he told me that he has high expectations of being able to enjoy a lapdance properly, and that he just wasn't able to enjoy the lapdance like he thinks he should've been able to. I told him to relax, and that I would make sure he got many more lapdances so he could get back into shape. Our next stop was to the Papaya Hot Dog store place thingy on 42nd street and 9th avenue. I had five delicious hot dogs, and I dumped a big bucket of relish on David Wright's head, just to hear his adorable giggling. Anyway, long story short, I woke up in some chick's apartment and had to scramble back home. In my haste, I left my underwear there. I hope she doesn't use my man hairs to try to clone me. I don't need Willie 2 undercutting me in my contract renegotiations!

For some reason, Major League Baseball is making us play the rest of these games. I'm still looking for novel and innovative ways to fuse my love of fun and boozing with my boring dugout life. I'll keep thinking! Let's go Mets!

It's All in the Family

2006-09-18T16:13:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. Back in NY after an awesome performance in Pittsburgh – we may have been swept in the series, but I’m talking about something else. Jim Tracy and I have a long running rivalry from back in the day when we were rookies on the PBA tour. So while I’m a little disappointed about our baseball performance, I’m very happy to say there was no competition Saturday when our teams headed out to the local Holiday Inn Lanes. Not to brag, but I’m an awesome bowler (I average a score somewhere between 1550 and 1600) and am just as awesome regardless of how many Johnny Walker Blacks I’ve had.

But back to baseball. Many of you suspect that something is up. How could we have been swept by the lowly Pirates? They were the first NL team to sweep us this season, so something doesn’t seem to add up. As you may have guessed, I am responsible for this. Let me tell you the story and I’m sure you’ll understand.

Lo and behold, the explanation will start with a very hot topic these past few weeks: the magic number. As I’m sure you all know, we’ve been stuck on one for quite a while. Well, when we got to one I was all ready for some champagne. However, Tommy Glavine explained to me that we need to get to zero, and we won't clinch no matter how many times I yell Uno! at the other team.

So the magic number is still one, and guess who wears that number. Anderson Hernandez. Why does he deserve so many magic number days? Here’s why. Recently, his dads, Orlando and Roberto, have been going through some tough times. I know what a bad situation with fighting parents can do to a youngster, so I’ve shown the size of my heart and tried to help Anderson out. I’m not sure how old Anderson is, but he’s just a little bit older than David Wright, which puts him in those volatile late adolescent years.

In any case, I hope all works out with the Hernandezs. I don’t want to see this off field trouble make its way on to the mound. Maybe I tell them to consult a marriage counselor - and their very own battery mate, Paul LoDuca – for some help.

Don’t worry, Mets fans, we’re going to clinch soon. I promise. Even if I have to send Endy on a mission down the turnpike to take care of business, it will definitely get done.

Greetings From Ohio

2006-09-14T22:59:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here, live from Pittsburgh, Ohio. I’m glad to be here and out of the Miami heat. For all of you that think I’m talking about the weather, think again. You may not believe what I’m about to say, but I swear it’s 105% true.

I’m glad to be out of the Miami heat because I was in fact captured by the Miami heat, the basketball team, and forced to be on the “inside.” Apparently, Pat Riley thought my phenomenal managerial skills could be of some use to his team. To make a long story short: Sunday night I woke up in the middle of the night and didn’t know where I was, then I’m in conference room with Pat Riley (who offers me a yellow pill and green pill. I take both exclaiming that blue is my favorite color.), then I’m watching my team give up 16 runs under the control of an imposter Willie, and then I manage to escape by hypnotizing the big guy in charge of making sure I don’t run away.

Anyway, I’m about to go out for a night on the town. We managed to get our magic number down to 2.5, and that calls for some celebration. Also, I plan on scoping out some of Pittsburgh, just like I did when I was in Philly. I’m hoping to discover some useful things. For example: what is Xavier Nady is up to? (probably teaching at Xavier University.) Do the toilets flush backwards here? (Up instead of down? I sure hope not.) Why did Pittsburgh decide to hold the all star break over three random days in July and not this weekend when my team came to town? (the Gregorian calendar, most likely) This is my last day off until Tuesday, so I’m going to make good use of it!

Today Was Bad

2006-09-10T18:48:00.000-04:00

What's up Mets fans, Willie here again. Today was just embarrassing. Let me begin from the beginning.

After our nice victory on Saturday, I started celebrating what I thought was a nice series victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles. I started with a triple whiskey and let's just say the night ended with bodyshots! (Don't tell my wife please.) The next thing I know, I was woken up early in the morning (like 9) by a loud banging sound on my front door. I put on my robe and made my way down the stairs, and opened the door to find David Wright standing there! I yelled at him for bothering me on my off day, especially since he knows how much I like to sleep in the day after I party hearty. But incredibly, he told me that we had to play the Dodgers again, double or nothing! I'm not really sure why, but my guess is that Grady Little was embarrassed by losing and challenged us to one more game. I don't know why we agreed to it, but whatev, a bet's a bet. So David drives me to Shea Stadium. Fortunately Jerry Manuel had already made the lineup, so I got a chance to take a nice nap. Unfortunately, Steve Trachel was pitching. For some reason, watching his pitching performance today really made me have to vomit even more. It must've been the three shots of tequila I took before the game.

Now I'm not one to put too much emphasis on a player's "performance". I much prefer to go with my guts and manage like that. So after Steve's performance today, I'm sure he's due for a lot of good ones in the future. Therefore, I intend to play him in Left Field to let Cliffy Baseball have a bit more rest.

I'm going to be honest with you fans. I am bored. These games really don't mean much, and all they do is get in the way of my partying. I think I'm going to have to work hard to combine my partying with the remaining games. One idea I have is to let sexy ladies chill with me in the dugout, but I know what my buddy Keith Hernandez would say about that. I'd welcome any suggestions!

I think we're playing somebody coming up, but I don't know who. I hope Hawaii! Let's go Mets!

Math Saves the Day, Division Title, and Infant

2006-09-08T11:59:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. It’s been a while since I’ve updated, but I’m trying to squeeze in as many rounds at the Bergen County Country Club before it gets too cold for the links. 18 holes might go by faster if my caddy, David Wright, were more adept at finding balls in the rough/woods.

Anyway, we weren’t swept by the Braves like I said we would be. Turns out they’re just too bad to let that happen. So my magic number came and went, and the Mets are still without a No-Hitter.

Funny story though. I had forgotten it was no longer my magic number, and, thinking it still was, decided to call for a rookie pitcher of mine to throw a no-hitter. I had also forgotten what the pitcher’s name was, so I just said “rookie pitcher starting tonight in an NL East game.” Then the next thing I hear, a Marlins pitcher has thrown a no-no, not Alay Soler! After expressing my disbelief that my magic number wish did not come true, Julio Franco (he’s like a father to me) reminded me that our magic number no longer was 12. On another note, Alay has apparently changed his last name to “Perez” (to avoid Castro, I assume), and acquired a love for olives (while at our triple-A affiliate in Spain, I imagine) earning him the nickname Oliver.

Finally, let me just mention a very exciting thing that happened last night. I’m talking about Jose’s inside the parker. Some of you might have immediately thought I put the play for this on. That’s actually not what happened. In a never-ending attempt to find the best way to relay signs, I put a play on with Jose up via my new system. Basically, I tell Jerry Manuel what the play is, he tells Anderson Hernandez, who then whistles a tune. Naturally, each tune corresponds to a play.

So when Jose was up, I told Jerry I wanted the two RBI double play on, but somewhere along the way that got translated into a “two double play.” Now I understand why Jose looked so confused. But he did the most logical thing and added two doubles together to get a homerun (but he knew that he would have to run around the bases as if he were running out two doubles, hence the inside the park deal). Anyway, I now understand how a guy like Jose wins the Fields Medal.

That’s all for now; I promise another post soon. I predict good things with this series against the Dodgers, mainly because we’re awesome and they’re from LA. Stay tuned, Mets fans, I can smell the division title.

WillieTime, All the Time, and Now Better Than Ever! (For a Limited Time Only)

2006-09-03T22:35:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here, back in New York after a decent little road trip. I’m in a spectacular mood right now for quite a few reasons. Let me enumerate:

1. There’s no place like home. Once David dropped me off at my house, I was immediately able to enjoy the comforts only available when inside my plush New Jersey mansion. For example, the huge self-portrait that greets me in the entrance way – very comforting. In the kitchen, there are at least five different types of Subway sandwiches – comfort food. There are lots of other great things about my house, but I’m not one to brag.

2. We won the series in Houston. Our two victories were solid wins in tight situations, and there’s something to be said for that. For those of you who immediately thought I was responsible for Beltran’s amazing catch Saturday night, you’re actually mistaken. My ESP wasn’t quite working that night, so I wasn’t able to help Beltran out by giving him a heads up. I don’t know how he got to that ball, but I’ll be honest (as I always am) and not take credit for it.

3. Finally, the last reason I’m so pleased right now is related to the fact that we won on Saturday and the Phillies lost. As you loyal fans are probably aware, our magic number is now 12. Also, as I’m very certain you know, my uniform number is 12. As I previously explained, this has huge implications. We lost today, and you’re probably wondering how we could lose when I had the ability to do whatever I want. Well, here’s the answer: as long as we keep losing and the Phillies keep winning, our magic number will continue to match my uniform number. This means that I’ll have multiple days of being able to do super things! I know you may think this is a little selfish, but really, don’t I deserve it? How many great things have I done since back in the day when the magic number was 162? You may wonder how I plan on making sure the Phillies keep winning. I’m not worried about this part, as my gut is telling my Ryan Howard will hit his 89^th homerun in their upcoming series.

So don’t be discouraged, the Braves are probably going sweep us, but it’s three more days of WillieTime at a whole another level. And everybody enjoys WillieTime the way it is, so hold on to your hats. By the way, I used my special ability to have my pitchers only give up one hit today. I’m not sure what I’m going to use it for the next three days, but I’m sure it will be amazing. Will Valentin throw a no-hitter from second base? Endy Chavez from Center? How about 7 Grand Slam plays? In the same inning? The possibilities are endless…

Lost in Translation

2006-08-31T23:28:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here while currently losing to the Rockies. Yeah, that’s right, I’m so bored with Oliver Perez’s poor outing that I’ve handed over the managing job to Jose Valentin for the rest of the night. I figure I’ll spend the rest game dictating this post to Rick Peterson who will relay it over the bullpen phone to Darren Oliver – who apparently has a laptop and the know-how to crack unsecured wireless networks.

Speaking of Darren…for all of you who were wondering why Darren Oliver couldn’t come in for Oliver Perez in the fourth (after all, Oliver Perez had thrown some 238 pitches), it’s not because he was busy with his laptop and writing down this post. It actually has to with a little known rule that says a relief pitcher cannot come in for a starting pitcher whose first name matches the last name of the relief pitcher. Or so Ron Darling, the Mets official scorer, tells me.

On another note, David Wright is finally making a case to earn my respect. At least a little of it. For example, yesterday morning he drove me to the Denver Denny’s without me asking. And he didn’t get lost. I know, right? That’s what I call stepping up your game.

And finally, let me express my relief that Kaz Matsui did not do anything to hurt us this series. At first I was worried. I mean, after all of his past antics, how could I not be? And on top of that, he steals two bases in the first five innings we see him. The only thing he ever stole under my managing was my half eaten classic tuna sub. Multiple times. I’d always hide it, but he would somehow find it.

Okay, Mets fans, Darren Oliver has come into the game. This means Mota will being doing the rest of the writing, and I accordingly need to have Julio Franco go down to the bullpen to have him translate it to Pedro Feliciano who will dictate it do Guillermo. The things I go through to bring this blog to you. Now that you appreciate me a bit more, I’ll apologize for what looks like my big mouth predicting a sweep ruining things again…

Angel (Nemesis) of Mine

2006-08-28T21:23:00.001-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here again as I’m on my way to the Snowshine State, Colorado. I’m pleased with our recent performance during the home stand, but am again disappointed with the unprofessional behavior of a certain umpire, namely Angel Hernandez.

You may be wondering what on Earth he could have done, but as I’ve said before, you can always expect Angel to try to mess with me. Although his antics didn’t cost us the game today, he still managed to do something to mess up my team by indirectly undermining me. Let me explain.

In the third inning today, David Wright hit a bouncer down the third base line that was, from my spectacular viewpoint of the dugout floor (somebody had dropped a coupon for a free Subway sandwich), clearly foul. It’s at this point, being extremely delighted that I have a free sandwich coming later, decided to rest my eyes for a few minutes. And I actually mean a few minutes, because I woke up exactly seven minutes later. But at this point I’m stunned, because I see the umpires talking with each other. Then David is given first base. I asked my trusty batman, Endy, what was going on and he told me that Angel had just bullied Randy Marsh into changing his call.

At this point you’re probably very confused and don’t see why I’m talking about this. Well, here’s why: Angel apparently reads this blog in an attempt to be super awesomely fantasticcool like me, and he also is aware of my, shall we say, low regard for David Wright. So, in yet another attempt to take me down, he’s decided that he is going to award as many hits to David as possible to make it seem like he’s a good ballplayer and I need to give him more credit. Let me tell you something. David will never get enough credit from me until he learns to properly detail my car, memorizes the way to Denny’s, and quits messing up when relaying signs. So as you see, Angel is trying to undermine me by taking David’s side, and I just won’t have it.

Also, I’ve heard that Kaz Matsui has apparently abandoned his cheesesteak/hotel venture and is making a spectacular comeback with the Rockies. Because of this, I’m going to be in touch with Omar very soon demanding that he does whatever it takes to make Kaz our everyday third baseman. The price will be high, but well worth it.

Finally, I wanted to end with something that many of you may have forgotten already. I’m talking about a play Jose Valentin made at second base on Saturday night. In case you forgot about it or missed it, Jose perfectly executed a play I’ve been working with him on for a long time. Basically, with a runner on first, you field the ball, wind up as hard as you can and start the throwing motion to first, then do a 180 and fire it to second even though you’re only 10 feet away. Jose executed it wonderfully, and I am so proud of him. It’s one of the most beautiful plays in baseball, and I just happened to be the one who invented it. Things like this remind me of what a genius I am.

Geniuses don’t lose at Coors Field. I’m calling it now: a sweep of Rockies.

If You Believe In Magic

2006-08-25T23:14:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. I’m a little disappointed our winning streak came to an end tonight. I was honestly expecting it to end last night after Wednesday’s night craziness. Wednesday was, of course, Julio Franco’s birthday and the team did quite a lot of celebrating that night (on top of celebrating our 10th straight home win). Still, we somehow managed to get a W the day after.
As for tonight, I only have one explanation for our loss: the thing some call the magic number. For the average baseball fan who doesn’t understand the magic number, let me explain. The magic number, or numbero magico for our Latin speaking friends out there, has been around ever since the Egyptians discovered numbers (circa 1912) and thus allowed baseball players to start wearing numbers on their uniforms.
Anyway, so basically, the magic number is some number the baseball gods will pick every night. If the number is your uniform number you get to do something special that night. Most players choose to go 3 for 4, or perhaps throw six shutout innings. At this point you’re thinking that Bannister’s number didn’t come up tonight and that’s why he lost the game. Well, the number 40 was chosen, actually, but in what some might call a typical rookie mistake he wasted it. Instead of picking something useful, he instead chose to have the ability to throw a pitch exactly down the middle. Usually I’ll have Paul LoDuca call the down the middle pitch a few times an inning, but my pitchers usually miss the spot and the uncertainty messes up the hitters. But tonight was a different story – I only found out that Brian had this special ability a few innings into the game, and that’s when I stopped calling the down the middle pitch.
Anyway, that’s all for tonight. I’m not sure what is on the radar for tonight. I might go out for a good Friday night on the town, or I may just take it easy and take in a movie. By the way, for all you out there who think I’m getting old because I just said I might watch a movie on Friday night, you should know that watching a movie is code for “plan Angel Hernandez’s demise.” Yup, that’s right, my old enemy is town for this series and I see the need to prepare for retribution just in case he does something. But don’t worry, Mets fans, I’m steering this ship and no iceberg named Angel can sink it. At least I hope not.

Tony Isn't a Cardinal, He's a Stealer!

2006-08-23T00:52:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here again after an awesome win tonight. We have a sweet home winning streak going on, and I attribute it all to me. I do so many things to make this team what it is I can’t even think of one of them right now.

We had an off day yesterday, and the time off clearly helped us in our effort today, as I spent the time at the Jets training camp interviewing players to gather information about Albert Pujols. My information proved valuable, as I effectively managed to keep him from reaching double digits RBI in one game. I’m a big believer in only setting goals that at first seem impossible to accomplish, but through the magic of the internet you can figure out a way to succeed. By the way, this trip to Jets camp almost didn’t happen because yesterday was supposed to be a travel day. Turns out there was an emergency situation at my house and I just couldn’t have the team leave the city. I’m not going to get into the personal details now. Anyway, it sure was nice of Bud Selig to move the series to NY. I guess I owe him a favor. I wonder if needs somebody to clean his house – Endy has been asking me for more work lately.

So I only have one thing to discuss about today’s game, but it’s a very hugeomongus thing. The Grand Slam Play! I know, you all love it, but let me tell you the story about tonight’s version of it. After Pujols hit his Grand Slam I knew something wasn’t right, so I naturally sent Endy on a mission. After being gone for a couple innings and picking up a pretzel for me on his way back, he shared some shocking news. Tony La Russa and the Cardinals are stealing signs! You may think you now understand how Albert was able to hit those homeruns. He knew what pitches were coming because the Cardinals knew the signs I was putting on from the dugout. Well, not exactly. It’s actually far worse than that.

I could have sworn I saw Tony touch his nose with tongue while tugging on his left ear right before Albert hit the big one. That’s my exact sign for the Grand Slam play! Tony stole my sign for the Grand Slam play! I can’t believe it! Why can’t he think of his own signs for his plays?!?! Stealing another manager’s signs is a pretty dirty thing to do. Granted, I didn’t know there was another manager in the game who was capable of putting the Grand Slam play, but I can only assume somebody on my team has leaked the information needed to put it on. Somebody will be sent on a mission tomorrow morning, the only question is who.

Anyway, after I had saw that Tony stole my sign for the GS play, I had no choice but to put it on for Carlos. Beltran got the sign first but messed it up. Delgado picked him up though, and Beltran hit half of one later on, so he can make up the other half tomorrow.

Time for some celebration, Mets fans. Today’s huge win definitely calls for some. The longer this home winning streak goes on the crazier the celebrations will get. A new pitcher appeared in my bullpen today, and I hear there’s a new outfielder coming soon, too. I’ll let you know my take on this once I figure out who they are.

Curses

2006-08-20T16:31:00.000-04:00

What's up Mets fans, Willie here and I am steamed. Not only did we lose 3 out of 4 to the stupid Philadelphia Pirates, which I'm still upset about, but my pitchers are dropping like flies. First, Pedro goes out, then his replacement Dave Williams (who was great on the mound and as Uncle Joey on Full House) got leg cramps and who know s how long he'll be out, then today I hear Tommy Glavine has an aneurysm. I wasn't sure what that was, so I looked it up in the dictionary and it turns out that an aneurysm is an old wooden ship from the civil war era. I don't see why that's a big deal, but I'm guessing maybe Tommy has severe seasickness. On top of all those, my best pitcher Jose Valentin is out injured too. I really don't know why we're having this rash of injuries. I feed my players Subway sandwiches for breakfast, mid-morning snack, lunch, mid-afternoon snack, dinner, post-dinner, and pre-breakfast, so I know they're getting all the critical nutrients and vitamins they need, like sugar and Vitamin 4. I'm really speechless about the latest shock injury, to David Wright. It looks like someone hit him repeatedly with my belt. Maybe this will show David that when I tell him to detail my car, I don't mean write me a list of all the specifications of my car.

After our off day tomorrow, we head to St. Louis to begin a critical 3-game series with the Cardinals. Right now it's a bit of an adjustment period for the team, having moved from Arizona in the offseason and switching sports from football (or soccer as the Europeans call it) to baseball. I think the key to beating them will be scoring more runs than we give up, and making sure that their big bat, Mark McGwire, doesn't beat us. Let's go Mets!

Good Bye, Hello, I'm a Genius, See You Sunday

2006-08-19T11:58:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. You’ll be happy to know I’m in a slightly better mood now that I’m no longer in Pee-Town, or Philadelphia as some like to call it. We are out of the reach of Kaz Matsui now, and all should be better soon.

Although, I’m honestly not quite comfortable with this team right now, so I’ll be doing some more soul searching to try to find out if there is something else wrong that needs to be fixed. Granted, we somehow won on Thursday afternoon – don’t ask me how, I told the guys to take the afternoon off and start over again with our series with the Rockies. Telling them not to try is one possible solution I’m considering using more often, as it seemed to work Thursday.

But I still don’t know, I really think it has to do with our lead in the division. I’ve spoken in the past about ideas to motivate my team, and am considering implementing them on a regular basis. My drinking game idea has yet to take off, mainly because I put David Wright in charge of buying the alcohol. I should have known this was a bad idea because I’ve seen his fake ID. It’s horrible. I’ll let you know what I decide to do about this shortly. I may have to come up with a points/bonus points system to encourage them after all.

Finally, let me end with a reminder of how lucky these Mets are to have a genius like me as their manager. After picking up the rulebook a few nights to check on this “balk” rule that’s given our pitchers some problems in the past weeks, I came across one of the least used, but perhaps most useful, rules in the book. By the way, I’m still uncertain what exactly a balk is. For now, I’ll just keep thinking that it’s a walk to a base runner given when the pitcher makes four pickoff throws that are out of the strike zone for the appropriate base (first base and home plate have different strike zones, and unlike home plate, the strike zones for the bases doesn’t take into account the height of the runner).

Anyway, back to this rule. Basically, it’s too complicated for most managers to use, but this is what it says: exactly once a year a manager is allowed to substitute his entire team with a team from exactly twenty years ago if that team won the championship. What extraordinary luck! It just so happens the Mets won in ’86. Accordingly, you’ll be seeing a different, slightly older, but no more boisterous, version of the Mets out on the field tonight. I have complete faith that they’ll come through for me, and the the Saturday off will be good for the real team. With that being said, the boys and me are on our way right now to Keith Hernandez’s place in the Hamptons for a relaxing afternoon BBQ and a even more relaxing pool party tonight. Let’s go (’86) Mets!

Curses!

2006-08-16T00:49:00.000-04:00

Mets fans, this is Willie. No what’s up today. In fact, consider yourself lucky that I’m even writing tonight. I’m not sure I can convey the extent of my bad mood, but I have an explanation for our team’s performance.

Some of you might think the Phillies just have it out for us after we killed Chase Utley’s streak last time we saw them. Some of you might think Tom Cruise is the most attractive man in the world. Nonsense, I say. I’m clearly more attractive than Tom Cruise, Chase Utely and the top 10% of the middle quartile of the most attractive fans from Philadelphia.

Anyway, during our last trip to Philadelphia, the well-known run-in with ex-Met Kaz Matsui occured. Little did I know this would be the beginning of some sort of curse! I should have seen it coming when Tommy Glavine and Cliffy Floyd got sick from two Kaz cheesesteaks. Let me explain things in more detail.

Our last series in Philly was the first one there since Kaz had started working his new um...position. As a result I was unable to warn my team about this hazard. This time, though, I was smart – I told them in advance not to go out for any cheesesteaks where Kaz works. I even handed out Kaz Matsui’s special edition platinum baseball cards in case anybody had forgotten what he looks like.

But this is the part in the story where I became so stunned in I needed David to get me a Fresh sandwich post haste. After an Italian Sub (with only 6 grams of fat!) I was back on my feet, though. Anyway, for reasons even I can’t imagine, Kaz decided to approach an area Philadelphia businessman and open up a conglomerate of restaurants and hotels. So by sheer dumb luck the team happens to be staying in a Kaz run hotel, and for the first two days my pitching staff has ate at the hotel restaurant. There was no way to know that the Cheesesteaks down there were Kaz steaks and thus deadly for a pitcher's well-being. But I have more bad news: in what the front office thought was a money saving move, they booked us in the hotel for the next 4 seasons. This will make life difficult for me, as I’ll have to stay up all night to make sure none of my players are eating midnight snacks there. Also, to add insult to injury, I have legitimate reason to believe this area Philadelphia business man was no other than my archenemy, Angel Hernandez.

Okay Mets fans, time to get my tub of Cookie Dough Ice Cream and watch the rest of Baseball Tonight. So far I’ve heard about a million times that Livan Hernandez gave up 11 runs in four innings for me, but I’ve called up Rick Peterson to confirm what I originally thought: I did indeed send El Duque out there to start tonight. I don’t know how they could be confused. Duque and Hernandez are not similar last names in any regard. Oh well, lets hope tomorrow’s a better day…

The Truthality Comes Out!

2006-08-13T18:37:00.000-04:00

What's up Met fans, Willie here again after a nice little series win over the National League Washingtons. I was more than a bit upset by our loss Friday but our wins Saturday and this afternoon have made me feel a lot better about myself. Today's game in particular made me ecstatic because of the game-winning homerun by my boy Michael Tucker. Like I like to say, I have the golden touch, and I knew that sticking that guy out there would yield results.

Anyway, without further ado, I'd like to reveal the results of Pedro's investigation into who revealed the existence of my blog to MLB. But before I tell you, I'd like to discuss a number of other things. Firstly, a number of columnists in so-called "newspapers" are more than a bit doubting of our corner outfield rotation of Lastings Milledge, Endy Chavez, Michael Tucker and Ricky Ledee. I can't imagine why. When I think of those four guys rotating around the corner outfield positions, the only thing that comes to my mind is fear. By opponents. Of us. I mean seriously, c'mon! These are budding megastars and everyone's ready to dump them for nothing. One writer asked if Ricky Ledee wasn't entirely worthless, especially considering how he'd just been released by the Dodgers. But I pointed out that Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Willie Mays and even Albert Pujols were all claimed off of waivers from the Los Angeles Dodgers, so I was pretty sure picking up Ricky like we did was a good sign. That shut him up pretty good.

Secondly, if 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Now back to the investigation. Pedro tells me that word on the street is that the man who told MLB about my blogs was NOT David Wright, but was in fact Jose Guillen! Now I know how difficult it was for Pedro to reveal this information to me, since he and Jose are such close friends, but I appreciate Pedro's honesty and loyalty to me. After the game, I sought out Guillen in the Washington clubhouse, but their manager Frank Robinson told me that Guillen had undergone "Tommy John" surgery a few days back and was rehabbing at his house. Now out of all the scummy things to do, faking an injury and going through the trouble of having surgery just to escape my wrath is pretty much the worst. But now that I think about it, it was a wise move on his part. No one wants to feel my wrath. Just ask Duaner Sanchez.

Anyway Met fans, it's off to another city for another series. (Mexico City I think.) Let's go Mets!

Good News Despite Bad Signs

2006-08-10T18:42:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here after a great series with the Padres. Congratulations to me after our first sweep at home this year. Billy tried to make things difficult again yesterday, but things worked out in the end.

As for today’s game, it was a 12 noon start, but today, unlike our last 12 noon start, I was there on time without a police escort. I took a different approach this time – since I knew there would be no way I could wake up on time I didn’t let myself go to sleep. Last night was a typical night out on the town celebrating our solid one-run win, but I needed to find a way to keep busy during the wee hours of the morning. So first, quite naturally, was a trip to the diner to sober up. Unfortunately there are no Denny’s in the city, so I had to settle for a second rate place. After this I had a good 6 or so hours to kill, so I decided there was only one thing that could take up that amount of time: a game of monopoly. It was a four player game, with Endy, Cliff, and David joining me. I won easily, with the key moment in the game being the trade I made with David. David offered me Park Place, Boardwalk and four railroads in exchange for my two utilities. It took some convincing, but I eventually let go of that second utility.

So for today’s early start I rested some of my outfielders and replaced them with two new guys I didn’t even know existed. Unfortunately, since I didn’t know they were on the team, I didn’t go over our signs with them; this lead to a couple of problems. I put the double down the left field line play on for Michael Tucker, but then to my dismay he grounds into a double play! It turns out his old club used the same sign for that play. I then took the time to explain the signs to him during the seventh, but while I was showing him the actual sign for grounding into a double play Manny Acta thought I was giving real signs and instructed Julio Franco to hit into a DP. Next thing I know, my plan to put the Grand Slam play on again for Jose Reyes is out the window. Still, after all of this Michael Tucker couldn't get it right, because his next turn he doubles in the left field gap. I told him that a double in the gap and a double down the line are two very different things and if he wants to play for me ever again he should learn the difference. I may be hard on my players, but this is what you need to do to win games.

Finally, I have some very exciting news. Pedro has informed me that he is very close to cracking the case of who told the Mets about this blog. I’m expecting the report this weekend while we’re in D.C., so check back and watch the drama unfold…

Fan Appreciation Weekend

2006-08-06T23:34:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here again. As the title suggests, a lot of good things have happened recently. Omar made a couple of these moves, but I helped out a little as well.

Omar signed three hugely important contracts this weekend. I’m sure you’ve heard of Jose Reyes’ deal. Then came David Wright’s deal. But this is where I come in. I told Omar to make sure David’s contract includes all the right clauses. For example, he still needs to be my personal driver, breakfast delivery boy, etc. There is also now something in there called the “David Wright Screw Up Clause”, or simply, the David Wright clause. It’s actually quite simple: every time he messes up, he pays the Mets between one and five million. But there’s one more part, which just goes to just show how bright I am. Since David has the potential to mess up so many times that he loses all of his salary and owes the Mets money he doesn’t have, I made David get a guarantor to co-sign his contract (given his history of botched grand slam plays and the like, he may lose everything in a week). This way, once the salary is gone, the Mets keep getting their money. Now, I don’t know how he did this, but apparently David did a great job forging A-Rod’s signature…ugh, I mean…getting him to go along with this.

Anyway, after this most recent episode of Willie Genius Time, Omar decided to reward me with what is very well deserved: a new, 19-year, $314.1592654 Million contract. This will ensure that the Mets keep the best manager in the game on board for most of the rest of Julio Franco’s career. This is, in my humble opinion, one of the best things that has happened to this franchise since its days as a founding member of the National League.

One last thing that was for you fans this weekend. I’m sure you know what I’m referring to. I’m talking about the beloved grand slam play, of course. Manny Acta, who apparently keeps track of lots of random stuff, tells me that we’ve properly executed the play 6 times in the last nineteen games. Now considering my Willie Break goals, that’s super fantastic! I was a little unhappy for a moment during the fourth inning of tonight's game, though. I actually put the play on while John Maine was up, but alas, failure. Still, I put it on again for you fans, and Jose came through.

Okay Mets fans, we have an off day tomorrow, which means celebration tonight, Denny’s in the morning, and BBQ in the afternoon.

I'm In a Jam, and Too Bad It's Not Strawberry

2006-08-03T23:55:00.000-04:00

What’s up Met fans, Willie here. I’m on my way home after a 4-1-1 road trip. I’m really glad we managed to get four points from our series with the Marlins. After a little drama, we split the first two games and then managed to salvage a tie in the rubber game. I can only guess the game ended in a tie as the score was 1-1 when I fell asleep.

So normally I would not be happy with this result, but given our current bullpen situation, I am quiet pleased. The situation consists of two parts.

First, Billy Wagner is mad at me because I recently beat him at a game of scrabble to take the title of best scrabble player in the clubhouse. He insists that he will continue to blow games until I accept his challenge to a rematch. The problem is that I can’t accept his challenge because I pretty much exhausted my entire vocabulary in that one game and don’t want to look stupid by using the same set of words again. I’m in a bit of tough spot here and don’t know exactly what to do, so for now I’ve logically decided to continue to send Billy out there until I come up with a plan.

The second situation is of course Duaner. It’s a shame what happened. I’m sure you all have heard about the taxi accident, but let me tell you what really happened and who’s to blame (it’s surprisingly not David Wright). So it’s our first night in Florida and me and some of the boys hop on an evening booze cruise (I was trying to do things to help my team win as suggested in my dream). Duaner was running a little late because he was at the hotel unpacking my suitcase for me, but decided he still wanted to join us. So he gets on a water taxi and is on his way. All is good, right? Wrong. Turns out Xavier was lying to me when he said he was going to spend the night having a nice dinner with some family at the local Miami Subway. (Remember Mets fans, Eat Fresh. Eat Classy.) Instead, he apparently decided to “borrow” a speed boat that was sitting at the dock with keys in it for the evening. Unfortunately, Xavier does not understand how boats, rubber duckies, ice cubes, anchors or other floating things work. So Duaner thinks he minutes away from a Booze cruise when all of a sudden his water taxi has to swerve to avoid Xavier, and boom! Duaner’s shoulder hits the side of the boat. I think you all now understand why Xavier was traded. The deal made perfect sense, although my trade to get Harold from ESPN was far more perfect.

Ok Mets fans, that’s all for now. I have to come up with a plan of action to stop Chase Utley’s streak. I’m currently wrestling my “conscience” and considering the use of the appendectomyball…

About Time!

2006-07-30T17:53:00.000-04:00

What's up Met fans, Willie here again, after we finally lived up to my constant sweep predictions. (I've had a couple of celebratory shots of 151 so please excuse any typos in this post). After the game, I went to Atlanta manager Booby, oops I mean Bobby, Cox and suggested that he rename the team the Atlanta Bitches, because that's basically we made them. Thanks especially to the leadership and offense of Carlos Cool as Geltran, and the pitching of El Duque "Orlando" Hernandez and Billy "Nickname" Wagner, we swept the Braves for the first time since we've had all 45 states.

I've also realized that with our ridiculous lead, our season until the playoffs is going to be kind of boring. So to keep things fresh, I've decided that we're gonna play a new type of game I invented, called a "drinking game". The rules are simple, whenever a pitch is thrown, everyone on the bench has to take a drink. What's especially fun is that there will be themes. Each pitcher will have his own assigned drink theme. For example, Gin for Glavine, Tequila for Trachsel, Mojitos for Maine, and so on. I anticipate good things.

A lot of people have been following the rumor mill about trades, me especially. The trade of Carlos Lee to the Rangers was huge, because he was on my main rival's fantasy team, and since it's an NL-only league, he's screwed and has to drop Lee!!! The path to victory is clear for the Willie Wonkers, the number 1 fantasy team in the world. Anyway, many of you are probably curious to know what suggestions I've made to Omar regarding trades (I hope you all remember how I suggested we trade for El Duque long before it became a reality, so it's clear Omar listens to me). I told Omar I think we need three things: a starting pitcher, another bullpen arm, and a guy who can tell dirty jokes on the bench. Ideally, we'll be able to find a guy who can be all three for us, but it's tough. A lot of fans have been clamoring for Barry Zito, but I just don't think it's going to happen. Here's a transcript of a recent conversation Omar and I had regarding it:

OMAR: Hey, Willie, I've been talking to Billy Beane about a trade for Barry Zito. As it is right now, we'd have to give up Lastings Milledge and Aaron Heilman. But I think if I hold out I'll be able to pull it off even up for Milledge. The best thing is that even if Zito leaves, although there's no reason he would, but just in case, we'll get 2 first round draft picks. And besides that, putting him in our rotation pretty much guarantees us a spot in the World Series and a good chance of winning it all.
ME: No way will I allow you to trade Lastings Milledge under any scenario! The only person I would trade Lastings Milledge for is Lastings Milledge, and even then I'd want another player thrown in.
OMAR: What are you talking about? Listen, I really think Zito for Milledge is a great deal.
ME: No, you listen! You have a history of overpaying so listen to me. If you recall, I suggested you trade Wright, Milledge and Pelfrey for El Duque, but instead you overpaid and gave up probably the best pitcher in baseball, Jorge Julio.
OMAR: I don't even know how to respond to that, especially since you just so vehemently refused to trade Milledge.
ME: Whenever I run out of things to say, I just say "Eat Fresh" or "How about them Yankees?".
OMAR: I'm leaving.
ME: Later! Eat Fresh!

As you can see, Omar really is a bit lost out there, but fortunately he has yours truly watching his back. I've been trying to reach Omar recently to give him my trade ideas, but I can't seem to get ahold of him, so what I've done is left him a bunch of voicemails, here's what I've proposed:

1. We trade Carlos Beltran, David Wright, Jose Reyes and Duaner Sanchez to the Yankees for Alex Rodriguez and Carl Pavano. Yeah I know what you're thinking. There's no way the Yankees give us ARod and Pavano for that weak offer. I know, I'm sure we'll have to throw in Heilman and John Maine too, but that's part of the negotiation. Getting ARod and Pavano would give us a dominant ace and a great shortstop; ARod has a mean curveball and I know Pavano's range at short is ridiculous and he also wields a mean bat. The more I think about this deal, the more I like it. But I fear Brian Cashman and George won't be tricked by our lowball offer.

2. We trade Pedro Martinez, Billy Wagner and cash to ESPN for Harold Reynolds. This deal will allow us to spell Jose Valentin at second base with a surefire hall-of-famer, and will also allow me and Harold to go hit on fly honeys at Outback Steakhouse every weeknight. This is what you call a "no-brainer".

3. We trade Jose Valentin to the St. Louis Cardinals for Albert Pujols and Chris Carpenter. Yeah I know, we're getting screwed in this deal. There really is no equivalent player for Jose Valentin. Who else do you know who can play all eleven positions on the field simultaneously? To make it fair, we might end up asking for their top prospect, pitcher Anthony Reyes, and maybe even for their stadium too. It'll save us the trouble of building our own.

Okay Met fans, it's off to Florida for some fun in the sun, and maybe even a ballgame or two. Let's go Mets!

I've Seen Better Days

2006-07-26T22:59:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here live from Dumblanta. I’m not in a great mood right now, despite our walk-off win today. A couple reasons why. First, I’m in Georgia. Some people call this place Hotlanta, but I honestly don’t see why. Accordingly, I’ve renamed the city to reflect the IQ of the average Brave fan (who for some reason thinks they still have a shot at the playoffs). Second, the team didn’t come through for me on my prediction of a sweep. For all of you betting fans out there, I apologize in advance for the broken kneecaps. I promise that will be the last prediction for some time. Finally, there was the game today itself. A whole lot went wrong today, so let me give you a minute by minute analysis of my day.

10:45 Wake up, shower and such

11:15 Get in car to drive to Denny’s

11:16 Realize I’ve backed the wrong way out of my driveway

11:19 Figure out correct direction to Denny’s

11:30 Arrive at Denny’s and order the usual

11:36 Start eating a yummy breakfast

11:40 Pam, my usual waitress, asks who I sold my managing rights to this game since I can’t make it to Shea from Jerz in twenty minutes for the 12 o'clock start

11:44 Realize there’s a 12 o'clock start today

11:45 Leave Denny’s

11:59 Arrive at Shea after my police escort got me there in record time after doing 105 MPH in the left lane all the way on Grand Central (By the way, don’t escorts usually lead, not follow?)

12:07 See John Maine has throw a perfect first

12:10 Instruct Julio Franco to give David Wright the sign to tell Rick Peterson to tell John Maine to throw a no-hitter today, because John had a great start last time and I figured it was about time for a no-no. And I like playing telephone.

1:40 Wake up from short nap.

1:47 Realize John Maine has decided to throw shut out ball, but has also told his teammates to get no-hit in an apparent misunderstanding.

1:53 Discover that David Wright was the broken link in the telephone.

2:17 Come up with a plan of action

2:38 Reveal plan of action to team: start hitting

3:34 We win!

4:05 Usual post-victory in drink in office

7:15 Arrive at LaGuardia

7:44 Figure out way to punish David Wright

7:45 Ask David to hold onto my ax that I was brining to Atlanta in an effort to mock Braves fans

7:46 Tell airport security there is a suspicious character trying to gain entrance to the boarding area with an ax

8:25 Take off for Atlanta, but without David Wright

9:55 Arrive in Hotel room, start writing blog entry shortly thereafter

10:59 Good night Mets fans! Check back soon for my take on the trade deadline and what deals I think Omar needs to make.

No Sweep, I Feel Sleepy, a Sweep of the Cubs Coming

2006-07-24T01:00:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here again. I was surprised to see nobody has posted any comments pertaining to my dream that may have been the best thing to happen to the Mets since I became manager (if you don't count LimaTime). But then again, maybe you’re mad because none of my batters were switch hitting during at bats this series like I promised. Turns out Rick Down told me this would be bad for them because it would mess up their hand-eye coordination and consequently limit their ability to arm wrestle, play checkers with two hands, and rub their stomach while patting their head at the same time. As a result, I’ve done the wise thing and decided against this idea. I know how it is. Sometimes decisions like this run the risk that you’ll get bad publicity on the back page on the Post, but as manager, I’ve got to suck it up and take the risk. Hopefully none of my loyal readers are too mad and won’t let anybody know about this decision and keep this blog on the down low. By the way, Pedro is apparently too busy “recovering” to continue his David Wright investigation, but he promised something in the coming weeks.

But speaking of sucking it up, today wasn’t much fun. The series started off well, albeit rainy, but we just can’t seem to pull off a sweep. I guess we just have a problem when we have the opponent cornered and ready for the life to be knocked out of them. By the way, this sounds, very strangely, like my time in the Yankees clubhouse when Jason Giambi would have Derek Jeter in a chokehold and demand his lunch money, only to realize they were no longer in 8^th grade and now they only eat Subway for lunch since it’s awesome. (Remember Mets fans, eat fresh.)

Okay, I don’t have much else tonight – this afternoon’s loss took a lot out of me, and my afternoon backyard barbeque didn’t cheer me up because I managed to burn all my vegan veggie burgers, I mean ummm super meat with lots of meat burgers. I will, however, guarantee a sweep of the Cubs (again). I mean it this time. Considered it done.

It's Greek to Me

2006-07-21T00:30:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here again. I just got back to NYC after finishing up our series with the Reds this afternoon. Luckily there were no major travel problems this time, as our travel secretary has fully recovered and is back on the job. Although, there was a small delay leaving for the airport when Javier Valentin tried to impersonate his brother and board the team bus. Can you blame a guy for wanting to play on my team?

Anyway, let’s talk some baseball. I was pretty pleased with this series, mainly because we started it off with yet another good execution of the grand slam play. I might take it easy with that play for a while and work on some new plays now that I know we’ve got it down. We did a good job getting the W today in extra innings to take the series, which is satisfactory. In case you think I’m coming across as complacent by not expecting the sweep, let me say that there was nothing we could do on Wednesday. The rain messed us up. Not our fault. End of story. Look, when Aphrodite (Greek Goddess of Water) and Ares (Greek God of Momentum) are pissed off and team up against you, there’s absolutely nothing you can do.

There’s one more order of business tonight, Mets fans, and that of course is the dream interpretation I promised you last time. First comes the dream, then the explanation. So I’m at this house party in the Jersey suburbs relaxing in the backyard and I’m wearing an orange polo. Then my crew shows up, all wearing the orange polos, but half us are rocking the popped collar, half aren't. On top of that, they all show up together, but in a sled (kinda like Santa’s, but this one goes by itself and hovers off the ground a little.) Also, the alcohol at this place is served in Arizona Iced Tea cans. So everything is going along when a game of wiffleball breaks out. The only thing that makes this game different is that you have to alternate every pitch which side of the plate you hit from. The last thing is that during this game, there is a 3 piece band that plays music unique to the play that is happening during that play. So for example, as a curveball is being delivered certain music plays, but when a fastball or homerball is thrown, different music plays. But there’s also specific music for, say, a ground out to first, a tailor made double play and so on. I think you get it. This is the point where I wake up to the noise of Endy Chavez tripping and falling while bringing me pancakes and bacon.

Here’s what this means for the rest of the season. First, me and guys should hang out more, since the orange polos were a sign of the team uniform. At the same time, we should make an effort to differentiate ourselves, as the popping of collars suggests. This, obviously, means that on any given game day half the team will now being wearing the blue Mets cap, while the other half will either wear the black or black and blue caps. I see this as critical in accomplishing my goal of maintaining a healthy clubhouse in which everyone feels they are an individual yet part of the team.

So we have to do more stuff together (even though we do already quite often – from all the drinking, to shagging fly balls and giving them away to Mets fans who have come out on the road to show their support for me by drinking when I can’t be). But then there is the magical sled, and the dream indicates we need a new set of wheels. Accordingly, I’ve signed David Wright’s car up for MTV’s Pimp My Ride.

Now to the wiffleball game. Sometime during this series with the Astros, I will instruct all of my hitters, not just the switch hitters, to alternate which side of the plate they are hitting on every TWO pitches. I bet you thought I was going to say every pitch just like in my dream. This is where Willy genius kicks in. Not all things are obvious in this game, so you’ll just have to trust me on this one. Nonetheless, this move will single-handedly undo twenty years of the evolution of the concept some call the bullpen.

Then there’s the music. This part is easy. Either me, Sandy Alomar or Julio Franco will now stand on the top step of the dugout with a Ukulele and play certain tunes for certain pitches or plays. This will allow my players to stop relaying so much on their “instincts” and instead on my ESP.

Finally, if I’ve been right so far, I see Lastings coming back up in late August and helping us tremendously when Endy goes down with a vacuuming, I mean, umm…baseball related injury.

Whew. And that’s everything. If you’ve read it this far, you’re a loyal follower. Good night and go Mets!

Two and a Half Grand Slam Plays

2006-07-18T15:12:00.000-04:00

What’s up Met fans, Willie here. I have a lot to talk about today, so let’s get started. First, there’s this little issue about me predicting a sweep with much confidence, only to suffer a bad defeat on Saturday. I have no explanation for this, so I’ll just blame the sun for affecting the ability of my eight ball to make good predictions.

But Sunday night was something else. The disappointment of not going for a sweep was easily forgotten when we accomplished one of my all-star break goals in only the third game back. Of course, I’m talking about the grand slam play. I even managed to successfully put the play on twice! I’m proud of my guys for executing and of myself for my baseball instinct. Quite naturally, everything didn’t go perfectly that inning; I actually didn’t call for the homerun when David Wright was up. But the master of messing up went deep when I had actually told him I wanted half of a grand slam for my sixth inning snack but that he could have the leftover half. I don’t understand why he’s so easily confused.

So needless to say, there was much celebrating Sunday night in Chicago and Monday night in Cleveland. You may be wondering why we were celebrating in Cleveland. Let me explain. So obviously we are playing the Reds later today. And obviously both Cincinnati and Cleveland are both in Ohio. And obviously both cities have baseball teams. Now THIS is why I need a personal assistant. When our travel secretary gets sick and I have to deal with Delta myself to make travel arrangements, mistakes are made and cities that have nothing in common except for the fact that they are in the same state are confused for one another. Also, I want to put something to rest right here and now. Angel Hernandez, who I thought was out of my hair, started a rumor that I purposefully got our team lost because I wanted to pay Latoya Jenkins (the older, ugly and evil stepsister of Lola Jenkins who now resides in Cleveland) a visit. There is absolutely no truth to this whatsoever – Angel is apparently up to his old tricks, trying to dirty my image since he’s now starting to regret his marriage to the Philly Fanatic.

So anyway, after a night out in Cleveland, the team gets on a train to Cincinnati, we start moving, and I black out. Then, something very important happened. I had this long and bizarre dream. While it didn’t explicitly involve the Mets, I’m convinced there were lots signs concerning my team and how I should go about managing the rest of the season. I honestly haven’t figured out what any of these signs are yet, but I plan on unlocking these secrets since I’m convinced they’re the keys for us having a successful season. Check back soon, Mets fans, because I’m sure I’ll be able to share some extremely important and sensitive game strategies with you.

I'm Super Confident

2006-07-15T02:35:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here again. We started off our second half well today, and I’m glad to see we’ve picked up where we left off. The truth is though, I wasn’t worried at all. I have a good feeling about this series. Let me explain why.

First of all, a new city means new night life, and that always provides us with incentive to find a reason to celebrate. Secondly, it’s the first series we’re playing after I watched the homerun derby. The homerun derby was, of course, when I first discovered that David Wright has power, and because of my superb observations skills that allowed me to pick up on this he’ll now be batting in the middle of the order. This should help us tremendously. Finally, I consulted my magic eight ball, and its response to my question, will we sweep this series, was “without a doubt.” I know I can trust my magic eight ball. It did, after all, answer the questions “can Kaz Matsui make a good cheesesteak,” “am I the handsomest of them all,” and “do you ever lie, magic eight ball” correctly. The answers to these questions, by the way, are, respectively: reply hazy try again, do I look like a mirror to you, and Signs point to yes although you should only trust Signs as much as you do aliens.

There is some bad news, Mets fans. There are a few new health problems in our clubhouse. First, Carlos’ knee is sore. Two, Pedro has a tummy ache. Three, Jose Reyes has a bad sunburn. I told Jose he needs to wear at least SPF 30 when he goes to tropical places like Pittsburgh, but sometimes he thinks he knows it all. As for problems one and two, I don’t really have an explanation yet. I have a hunch the problems arose from something that happened during today’s rain delay. I’ve accordingly sent Endy Chavez on a mission to find out the story. Normally I’d be able to explain what happened, but this time I can’t tell you what was going on during the rain delay because Jerry Manuel told me there were some HUGE puddles in the Wrigley Field parking lot that needed stomping, so that’s where I was as soon as the tarp came out.

Okay Met’s fans, the time zone difference is killing me and I need some rest. The Chicago bars will get their full dose of WillieTime tomorrow night. As the magic eight ball says, the outlook for things is good, so let the good times roll.

Willie Break Update

2006-07-11T18:00:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. As you know it’s the Willie break (some people substitute All-Star for Willie, and that's okay since they're synonyms), so I’m taking a little time off here at home in beautiful Bergen County. I haven’t stopped thinking about baseball altogether though. I’ve come up with a list detailing the team’s progress for the first half of the season and improvements to look for in the second half.

Things Not to Change:

1. My mix of playing my bench and all-stars. The amazing production I’ve gotten out of Valentin is something I will not let stop. I’ve done a brilliant job of knowing which players to use so far, and look for my genius to continue to shine through when I fill out the lineup card.

2. My calling of practiced plays. Look for me to keep calling for the have LoDuca spike the ball play, the have Endy double down the left field line past a diving outfielder play, and of course the Grand Slam play (we’re gonna get this one right next time. No more having David bring me Denny’s or accidental calling of it when the opposing pitcher is batting).

3. My fantasy team rocking. I can’t be stopped. Enough said.

4. The use of rock, paper, scissors to settle important disagreements in the clubhouse, in addition to using spin the bottle to pick my starting pitcher.

Bad Things That Need Not Happen Again:

5. First on my list of the season’s low points is of course all the events involving Angel Hernandez. Hopefully with his engagement to the Philly Fanatic he’s become a real man and is ready to put Lola behind us.

6. Tug of War. A once brilliant idea of mine, now the cause of my ace’s injury, I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve banned it from the dugout and decided that rock, paper, scissors will be used more often.

7. Bad pitches: The Appendectomy Ball, The Tuna Ball, and The Homerball. Hopefully there won’t be any more filthy balls through at my player’s useless organs, Rick Peterson and Tim Mcclelland won’t have any more run-ins, and nobody infringes on Lima Time patent protection.

Things to Look For:

8. The answer to the burning question of who it was that told the Mets about this blog. While David Wright has long been a suspect, I’m told Pedro has made some progress during his time off but can’t give me an answer just yet.

9. A system to reward my team’s performance. Now that the division race is over, I’ll be rewarding my team in a yet to be disclosed system. I will tell you this though: it involves points, bonus points, cookies, slumber parties and pillow fights for sure.

10. The addition of a personal assistant/protégé for my amusement, I mean, to help me be a better manager. My crew, especially David and Cliffy Baseball, do a tremendous job, but I need somebody in an official position. This way they’re on the Mets payroll, not mine. As a result, I won’t have to sell the managerial rights away, and my crew and I can go on all of our fun adventures.

Okay Mets fans, that’s all for now. Time for some more relaxation before Chicago this Friday. Look for a fresh manager and an improved squad out there. Aside from the changes I’ve mentioned, look for Paul LoDuca to start. After I saw him shut down David Wright last night, there’s no way he can’t pitch. As his performance suggested, he’s a strong early inning guy, but will give up lots of homeruns down the stretch when you’re counting on him…

It's My Birthday!

2006-07-07T00:34:00.000-04:00

What’s up Met fans, Willie here. I’m doing extra super today because, well, what the title says. We also won our series with the Pirates after today’s victory. Let’s go through this series quickly before I get to a couple of other issues.

First there was Monday’s game, during which I was both extremely pleased and upset at the same time. I was pleased because this kid Maine made his second start for us. Every time he starts I have this contest with Jerry Manuel and Rick Peterson. First, Rick will say he can name all fifty states, then Jerry will claim to be able to name them in alphabetical order, then I state I can name in them in reverse alphabetical order by name of state capital. I always win; Rick always forgets West Virginia, and Jerry always mixes up m and n. Victories like this are my purpose in life. But anyway, as for the game, that was bad news. I knew right away things would be bad. We get back from being blown out in Boston and then I show up at the ball park only to find out my enemy Angel Hernandez is part of the umpire crew. Accordingly, I told my team not to play hard, and they listened well.

Then there was good old Independence Day, which happened to fall on the fourth this year. There’s no better way to celebrate our freedom from Canada and Mexico than play a game of baseball. In a surprising turn of events, Angel decided not to blow the call at the plate and cost us the game. While I doubt Lola Jenkins has made her way back into his life, rumor has it he and Philly Fanatic are really hitting it off well. But that’s none of my business, as long as he’s not out there sabotaging my team.

Wednesday was a solid victory, thanks mainly to my great coaching insight. As you all know, I spent a couple of years with the Yankees while David Wells was there. So, I gave my team a little talk before the game on how to go about hitting Wells, and as a result they jumped all over him in the first inning. However, I do have to give them a lot of credit – they were able to adapt my coaching on hitting the lefty Wells into useful advice on how to hit the Wells that has recently learned how to throw righty. Boy, I tell you, these pitchers will do anything (including losing 70 pounds) to keep their career going.

Today was a nice victory, but I honestly can’t tell you much about it. I’ve been signing in my head (Go Willie, it’s your birthday…) all day long, something that requires all my attention and energy. I think a few of my batters were hit, but eh, whatever, I’m not the one who has to deal with the pain.

Okay, now for the final but most important point: Pedro is in fact going on the DL and will be out until after the All-Star break. I have, naturally, banned dug of war from the dugout during games. It is still, however, allowed in the dugout before and after the game and in the clubhouse at all times. My team, my rules, and don’t think about questioning me. Also, there are all these roster things happening that I don’t understand. I believe Lima Time is back, which means I should take a look over the signs for the homerball with Paul. I don’t know anything else, except that I do have a full squad of 37 players at my disposal, and that Alay has gone back to Cuba.

Boooo – yeah. Time for some birthday celebration. I may be 52, but feel (and look) 25. (Get it? I reversed the numbers in my age to make myself younger. I know, I’m still sharp.) To continue the numbers theme, I’m calling it now: 25 shots in the next 52 minutes. Got to go, David’s brought the car around. See you tomorrow…get the Advil ready.

Stupid Joe (No, Not Torre)

2006-07-03T15:43:00.000-04:00

What's up Met fans, Willie here. As you know, it’s been a rough past couple days. First there was the sweep up in Boston, then there was the poor performance in the Bronx. But there is some good news, the All-star selections are in and my team will be sending quite a few players to this year’s game. I haven’t actually read anything about it, but Jerry Manuel tells me we have six players, four by votes, going. I knew immediately who they were. Lastings Milledge and Endy Chavez were voted to start in the outfield, Julio Franco at first, and Jose Valentin on the left side of the infield (yes, shortstop and third at the same time). That leaves two reserve players: Carlos cool as Geltran and Heath Bell. I’m glad the Mets will be properly represented.

But now to the rant that you all know is coming. This team isn’t playing well right now. I said last time I wasn’t sure why, but now I think I’m on to the cause. Some people say it’s the huge lead we have in the division. To that I say no way, the Marlins are in the rear view mirror and could make up 12 games in a week. I’ve seen it happen before, and all my players know it happens with regular frequency.

This leaves only one thing causing this slump: Lastings Milledge is gone. While we did start this slide before he left, it started because the team found out for sure he would be sent down. I know it seems odd that we need this kid to play well, but the truth is we all need him, especially me. For example, now that’s he’s gone, David Wright has nobody to call and ask for directions when he gets lost driving me places. As a result, I have less time to devote to my managing responsibilities. This is why I haven’t worked out the kinks in the reverse squeeze play I’m having the guys learn. Another example: Lastings would place mints on everybody’s hotel pillows when we’re on the road. Now, no mints, and look at the losses. Finally, one of Lastings’ most important contributions was pitching batting practice. You may be thinking, what’s so special about Lastings’ BP sessions. The answer is that Lastings throws an excellent knuckball as well as an outstanding forkball. These two pitches really help my hitters prepare, even though we never see those pitches in a real game. The bottom line is, Lastings was a pick-me-up, and that’s why we continued to play well once he arrived. I don’t know what we’ll do now, but I’ll figure something out.

Okay, so you’re probably wondering why I chose to leave Alay out there yesterday and give up eight runs. The reason why is very simple, although I’m not particularly proud of it. The truth is that the other day my lawn needed to be mowed, but I didn’t have any cash for Joe, the kid who usually does it. So instead I sold him the managerial rights to one inning of a game. Now I thought I was smart and told him it would be the third inning, because nothing ever happens in the third inning, no double switches need to be made, no calls to the bullpen, or anything like that. Boy was I wrong; turns out the brat was a Yankee fan. So you see, Mets fans, yesterday’s loss wasn’t my fault. I mean, how was I supposed to know selling the managerial rights to one lousy inning for fifteen bucks would be a bad decision? After that the game was over, so I called it a night and start doing a Sudoku.

Alright, the Pirates are in town, and I’m excited to meet these movie stars. I loved the first Pirates of the Caribbean, but the new one should be even better. Finally, for all of you wondering what’s up with Pedro, I have the answer. It is in fact his hip that's bothering him, and as I’ve been saying in the media, he hurt it in Florida when he had to change his shirt. What I haven’t been saying is that he was hurt during the tug of war match I previously wrote about (http://willietime.blogspot.com/2006/05/trouble-in-paradise.html). We all know how tug of wars end, and Pedro was in the wrong place at the wrong time when Jose Reyes let go and sent me flying backward into Pedro, knocking him over and causing him to fall on his hip. But I’m not worried one bit, Mets fans. Things will turn around soon, I think…

Not Cool, Blue

2006-06-28T23:13:00.000-04:00

Hey Mets fans. No what’s up today – you should expect that when I’m in an especially bad mood. Let me enumerate why I’m so grouchy:

First, and foremost, my fantasy team just slipped into second place today. I’m trying to figure out a trade to stop this slide, but I’m not sure I want to pull the trigger just yet.

Second, speaking of slides, I have no idea what’s going here in Boston. I know as manager I’m supposed to have control over the clubhouse atmosphere, but something has gone wrong and I don’t know what. Also, this mini slump, in which we’ve two close very close games, is in no way my fault. Sure I started Chris Woodward yesterday and he struck out in a key situation, but it was his birthday. I’m a firm believer in instilling confidence in my players, and when somebody turns the big 3-0, they need to be in the starting lineup.

Third, Tim Mcclelland – the effrontery he has. Who does he think he is, Angel Hernandez? Anyway, the incident involving Tim after the seventh inning set me off. You may not have been able to see this on TV, but this is what went down. Chad Bradford is walking off the field after inducing a nice double play, and then Tim comes over. At this point I’m thinking, “Oh boy, I hope my knowledge of rules involving pitchers isn’t tested again. The last thing I want is a repeat of Saturday.” Then, this conversation took place:

Ump: Bradford, you’re in violation of rule of 8.0.1.17.k
CB: Like hell I am.
Me: Tim, please explain.
Ump: You know the rule, Willie, no pitcher shall throw the stinkball. I smell Bradford’s breath from behind the plate. He’s clearly breathing tuna fish all over that ball.
CB: Am not! I haven’t had tuna in ages.
Ump: Then what’s this?! (Tugs at Bradford’s jersey)
Me: Hold on now, hands off. How do you know what that is?
Ump: I know bad tuna casserole leftovers when I see it.
Rick Peterson: HEY! That was my recipe!
Me: See! Bradford wasn’t lying!
Rick Peterson: You couldn’t make a casserole if you’re life depended on it, Mcclelland!
Ump: Oh yeah, cook-off, tomorrow at 7pm, Kenmore Square.
Rick Peterson: You’re on!
Ump: Better bring your A game (points finger in Rick’s face).

At this point I break things up, for Tim Mcclelland’s sake. But you see, I don’t need these distractions. Now I have to use Jose Valentin as my pitching coach and Mr. Met at second base while Wally, the Red Sox mascot, will apparently be umping in Tim's place.

Now, about the El Duque mistake. As I said, I took quite a few naps that series, and I happened to be napping during Rick’s visit. But really, that shouldn’t have mattered because it should only count as a mound visit if Carlos Delgado goes out there with me, and he clearly didn’t. I mean, I can’t say anything to El Duque, so the man is entitled to a translator during official mound visits. Haven’t they ever heard of Miranda Rights? Whatevs, man, that’s what I say.

Finally, I’ve tried really hard to convince Lastings Milledge that the Green Monster has no relation to the Blue Monster, the creature that lived under his bed growing up and tormented him until he was seventeen. But as you all know, I’ve failed because Lastings is still getting spooked on the warning track and can’t make a catch.

Okay Met’s fans, I have to get work and stay up all night thinking of some genius moves to avoid the sweep tomorrow.

O Canada, O Canada

2006-06-27T00:27:00.000-04:00

What’s up Met fans, Willie here. I apologize for the lack of updates, but my free time was just sucked away in Toronto. I mean, Canada is such a fantastic place to visit, and now that I’m in the National League and Montreal has been banned from having a baseball team, I don’t get to visit very often. (I personally think this is such a shame, but who would have thought that NAFTA had a clause in it banning baseball in French speaking providences effective ten years after the signing date?) Anyway, I’ve been so busy sightseeing I’ve barely had time to manage, never mind write. On top of the sightseeing, I also spent a lot of time doing my new Subway commercial. It took waaayy longer than expected because they wanted me to talk in a Canadian accent, but we finally got it done when I convinced them to just do a voiceover using my cousin’s voice, who happens to be two-thirds Canadian.

As far as baseball goes, we had a decent series, thanks mainly to my new favorite shortstop that happens to be on fire at the plate, Chris Woodward. I honestly can’t remember if he played, but he finally did teach Jose Reyes how to hit – this was supposed to be El Duque’s job, but I wasn’t satisfied with his progress so I gave Chris the assignment. I’m so proud of my job delegation skills. I really don’t remember much else from the series as I took frequent naps, a result of the non-baseball activities I already mentioned.

Lastly, we’re in Beantown now, and I’m super excited. As much as I’d like to be out on the town, I am sadly sitting in my hotel room thinking about my strategic maneuvers for the series. This job requires intense and constant dedication, and I’m willing to give that kind of dedication every once and a while.

Okay, I’m going to hit the sack as soon as I finish making up the signs for the new reverse squeeze play I just invented. This series should be thrilling, and the nights of celebration even more so. Let’s go Mets!

Retraction

2006-06-22T12:43:00.000-04:00

Sorry Met fans, I lost my temper last night. But after speaking to Omar (who rejected my ideas of releasing Wagner, sending him to Triple-A, or trading him along with David Wright to the Cardinals for ol' reliable Braden Looper), it's become clear that I'm stuck with Billy Wagner. So I've come up with a new idea. It's obvious Wagner is a terrible closer, but what if I put him in a situation where all the pressure was off him? I've decided that from now on he'll come into the game in the first inning, followed by Sanchez, Heilman or one of the other guys (depending on if we get an early lead or not), and then my starter to close it out for the last 6 or 7 innings. I think this idea is going to revolutionize baseball just like the other modern inventions of the "bullpen" and the "double switch".

C'mon!

2006-06-22T00:27:00.000-04:00

BILLY WAGNER IS BEING DEMOTED TO TRIPLE-A EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

Two Good Moves

2006-06-19T23:26:00.000-04:00

What’s up, Willie here again. Let me start by saying it’s a very good thing we didn’t lose on Sunday. I’m not sure what would have happened if we were swept, but thanks to David Wright’s Grand Slam and some other stuff that happened later on while I was resting my eyes, that’s a moot point.

Funny story about that homer. You, as the average fan, probably didn’t know this, but as manager I put the play for the Grand Slam on. Don’t ask me what the signs are or the details of the process (because I don’t really remember stuff like that). Anyway, I relayed the signs to David via Julio Franco, and then BOOM, there it goes on the next pitch. For some reason, David didn’t give me credit for this play in his post game interview, and I decided to confront him about this. Because I’m trying to give you Mets fans a better understanding of the atmosphere in my clubhouse, I’ve included a brief piece of the conversation:

Me: Yo, Turtle.
DW: Me?
ME: Do you like not batting 9^th?
DW: What? That’s the pitchers spot.
ME: If you don’t shape up, El Duque and you will switch spots in the batting order.
Cliffy Baseball: Do you smell bacon?

That’s when I walk into my office and find two buttermilk pancakes, two eggs, two bacon strips and two sausage links, plus hash browns, a small glass of juice and coffee. I then realized why David thought he did nothing wrong; turns out the homerun was just coincidence.

On another note, El Duque is now unofficially the team hitting coach. It does unfortunately distract him from his pitching responsibilities. Sometimes he gets caught up showing the guys how to properly throw a bat down the third base line (I hope you were watching, Julio!), and then he’s not prepared to face certain hitters and gives up a long ball, but that’s the price to pay for a top notch hitting instructor.

The final remark for the night will be another brief explanation of why I’m such a brilliant manager. Once I realized Arroyo was shutting us down, I told the team to stop trying to hit, let him throw a complete game, and just watch. You see, I’ve been watching a lot of world cup games recently, and I’ve figured out that run differential is very important for our playoff seeding. As a result, my masterful plan means that we’ve seen Arroyo for nine full innings and only lost by two when we had no chance of winning, but now we'll be able to crush him when we play the Reds again later on this year – meaning, I’m a genius.

Okay, Mets fans, I’m in a surprisingly not so bad mood after things didn’t work out again tonight. But lookout, things will go downhill if we don’t finish this homestand strong. Let’s go Mets!

Heads Are Gonna Roll

2006-06-18T00:55:00.000-04:00

What's up Met fans, Willie here again.

Don't say anything. Not a word. I'm horrified at what's happened over the past two days. This team is making me look really bad. And all this is happening after I got such great news. As we came back from the road trip, Fred Wilpon summoned me to his office, and he promised me a new house and a park in Long Island to be named after me if I continued this level of play. After tonight's game, however, Fred told me that he's decided to give the house and the park to umpire Angel Hernandez, my archenemy! Needless to say, I'm more than a bit distraught at this turn of events. I've lost a house, a park, and I bet Yuri, the manager at the Carousel Club, won't let me go to the VIP room for free anymore, and I'm out of Lastings Milledge necklaces to pawn. Things are quickly falling apart for me.

To add further insult to injury, when I went back to my office after the game, I saw an e-mail in my inbox from Andruw Jones:

To: willierulesnumber1@hotmail.com
From: andruwjoneshomerunmegastarcenterfielder@braves.com
Subject: HAHAHAHAHAH!

Hey Willie,

Hope you're having fun leading the NL East. I did that for a bunch of years and it sucked. Now I skip every other game and hang out with fly honeys all night long. Here's a pic of me and a few of them: http://static.flickr.com/39/101452984_8a1846bd77_o.jpg
Wish you were here....so I could rest a drink on your head while I make out with all three at once!

Hate,
Andruw

I quickly deleted that e-mail and moved on to the task at hand, namely, getting us a win in tomorrow's game. I think David Wright might be getting a bit too comfortable at third base. I saw him not hit any homeruns tonight; that's just unacceptable. Tomorrow, he's going down to Binghamton to work on some fundamentals. We're recalling John Valentin, the Binghamton hitting coach, to take his place. John is going to be starting on the mound tomorrow, with Tommy Glavine at short, Jose (Valentin of course, Reyes is going to be fetching my dry cleaning and doing other assorted chores for me all day) at fourth base, and Delgado announcing. I haven't decided whether he'll be doing radio or TV yet though.

A number of my loyal readers want to know what exactly I said to Lastings Milledge after he dogged it rounding the bases and was thrown out at home. While I detailed the excuse he gave me, I guess the fans want more. So here's a recreation of the dialogue to the best of my memory:

(Milledge comes back to the dugout after getting thrown out at home. He puts his head down and sits down on the bench in shame.)

ME: What the hell was that? Why the hell were you looking back at the ball in centerfield?
LM: I wasn't looking at the ball.
ME: Then what were you looking at? An elephant smoking a chimpanzee?
LM: Huh?
ME: Shut up! What the hell were you thinking?
LM: Well I ran into your wife before the game, and she said she was sitting out in the bleachers tonight, and I told her I'd score a sexy run for her. So as I was rounding second, I looked out at her, and gave her a wink.
ME: What the hell are you doing winking at and scoring sexy runs for,my wife?
LM: I know I was wrong, Skip, that's why I got thrown out at home on purpose. If I scored, I'd feel bad because your wife would think it was a sexy run for her. So I got thrown out, all for you!
ME: You're a good kid, Lastings. I appreciate your honesty.
LM: Speaking of honesty, can I have my necklace back?
ME: Sorry, I gotta run and do a double switch. Talk to ya later, champ.

At that point, I sped off to the other side of the dugout before he could question me further.

Anyway Met fans, I have to rest up if I want to lead us to victory tomorrow. I think it's an afternoon game, so I'd better make this drink my last and go to sleep. Let's go Mets!

Wow!

2006-06-15T20:33:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. Some road trip we just wrapped up. Boo-yah! It’s getting hard to put into words how awesome I am, but I think everybody knows by now.

My impression of Philly turned out to reflect their baseball team well, seeing how they were no match for this manager.

As well as the series went, I’m going to have to bring up an objective that wasn’t accomplished. This series was of course my team’s reunion with one of my not so favorite umps, Angel Hernandez.

For reasons previously explained, Angel does not like me, and has tried to take it out on my Mets. So, it was time for some payback. I wanted to tell you guys earlier about my plan for revenge, but this plan was so big I couldn’t risk blowing it. Now that I’ve said this, you all know what I’m referring to: Julio Franco throwing his bat into left field during an at bat Tuesday night. That spinning dagger was meant to take out Angel. Julio got it almost on line, but put way too much on it. I’ve haven’t seen the Mets blow such an anticipated strike of revenge since a guy named Shawn Estes was on the mound. Anyway, I was pretty down after that, but was still determined to get back at Angel.

Angel was at second Wednesday, and I knew Julio wouldn’t be able to get him because of the angle (I was a mathlete in high school). But today Angel was at first, and I was confident Julio could get him. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of having my messenger extraordinaire, Endy Chavez, tell Julio the plan. Of course, Endy lets me down and tells Julio that Angel is behind the plate, and this time Julio executes properly and hits home plate ump Randy Marsh by letting go on his back swing. I don’t know how Endy confuses first base and home plate, but it makes me question all those stories he has told me about his experiences with um… female companions.

Speaking of female companions and revenge, let me address this little incident from Wednesday night. As many of you know, I had a little talk with Lastings on the bench after he was thrown out at home. I’m in control of this team at all times, so something needed to be done after I saw that play. Turns out he decided he needed to get back at me after I took away his gold necklace and pawned it two weeks ago. What better way to get in my face than prove that his mojo, naked without its necklace, was still alive and well by going after my very beautiful (and seven time Miss Universe) wife. (On a side note, anybody notice Angel and the Philly Fanatic today? Poor Angel hasn't gotten far since losing out on Lola). But Lastings has class, and knew better than to do something extreme. Instead he just made sure to bump into my wife before a game and told her that he’s going to score a sexy run for her. Don’t worry, there’s no trouble in the Randolph household, but I will NOT have people on this team scoring runs, never mind sexy runs, for my wife. I managed to get this all out of him, make it perfectly clear it can’t happen again, and also told him Jerry Manuel has the necklace.

One last thing, Cliff Floyd’s ankle is 100%, and has been for days. Why is he not playing do you ask? Well, he and Tommy Glavine decided to go get some Johnny’s Cheesesteaks before the game on Tuesday. Turns out Kaz Matsui somehow didn’t get fired after my run in with him Monday, and made two very, very bad cheesesteaks. Cliff’s was so bad that he still couldn’t play today. Tommy tried to tough it out, but, as we all saw, you can’t go out and play after a Kaz cheesesteak.

Okay Mets fans. One big night of celebration is on the agenda after an amazing road trip. I’m so glad to be back in the city after having to endure the horrible nightlife of Phoenix and Philly. Bring on those Orioles tomorrow night!

Philadelphia is an Ugly City

2006-06-12T20:21:00.000-04:00

What's up Mets fans, Willie here again live from Philadelphia. As the title of this post suggests, Philadelphia is no New York. Fresh off a nice little sweep of Arizona, in which we were carried by our megastar Carlos Cool as Geltran, it's nice to be away from the stifling heat of Phoenix and back to the East Coast.

As soon as we arrived, I decided to talk a walk around Philly. My first stop was to West Philadelphia, to see where the Fresh Prince was born and raised. After getting robbed twice within the span of an hour, by the same old lady, I can see why he moved to Bel-Air.

My next stop on my tour of Philly was to buy a cheesesteak. Much to my shock, who did I find behind the counter at the cheesesteak place, but Kaz Matsui! Through his translator, who was working the fry machine, Kaz told me that the Colorado Rockies traded him to Johnny's Cheesesteaks for a combo to be named later. I was glad to see his career finally taking off but when he messed up my order (I told you no hot peppers, Kaz!), I had to complain to the manager. The cheesesteak place's manager was stunned at Kaz's ineptitude in making my sandwich. He explained to me that the first cheesesteak Kaz made was the best cheesesteak ever, but ever since then, he's messed up every order. I suggested firing and then re-hiring him, so hopefully that'll work out well for Johnny's and Kaz. (On a related note, who is this Eli Marrero guy? I think he may be a nephew of one of the Three Tenors. I might make him the official clubhouse singer.)

Okay well tomorrow we've got Tommy going against the Phillies. He's had an extra day of rest, so I'm pretty certain I can get 200-300 pitches out of him. I mean everyone says he's old at 40, but Social Security only starts paying out at 65, so I think Tommy's got a good twenty years left on that mound. Let's go Mets!

This Place is Spectacular

2006-06-11T12:34:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. We’re having a great road trip, and I’m very pleased with the tremendous job I’m doing as manager. I’m even more pleased with the fact that people are starting to appreciate this, though. For example, Omar has finally agreed with me that Valentin is a quality player and deserves to play everyday, so he traded Matsui. I haven’t met the guy we got in return, but I hear it’s Eli Manning from Colorado. I honestly have no idea how these three way trades work, but I’m wondering who is going to play QB for the Giants now (I know we didn’t trade Lastings anyway, the only capable QB on the Mets that I know of). Also, I wish Kaz the best of luck – I’m sure his career will take off now that he doesn’t have to play in the same city as his older brother.

In any case, this trade means I can’t take up a suggestion from one of my loyal blog readers and have Valentin pitch while playing second base. Valentin may be superman in his free time, but it’s just too much to ask from him everyday. But in reality that doesn’t matter any more, because I think I’ve finally established my rotation, in particular the Cuban portion. Turns out I shouldn’t put up posters of Fidel Castro to inspire Alay or El Duque, but rather posters of another famous Cuban – Mark Cuban.

Finally, let me say that I love Phoenixwood. Matter of fact, we’ve never lost a game here under my managing. I’m trying to figure out what it is that does it, so we can try to reproduce those conditions back home at Shea. This is going to be a process of trial and error, so look for a swimming pool under the big scoreboard in right field when we take on the Orioles next weekend.

On a final note, let me bring something up about being a second year manager. I’ve learned a lot of the little things about managing, like the double switch a couple weeks ago, but still haven’t learned everything, especially the lingo. Last night I heard Bob Melvin, manager of the D-Backs, come out and argue a call at third base. He started screaming “he was safe by a my L.” I don’t go out and get in the face of many umps, but I’d sure like to figure out what this L thing is and how I can use it. So I’d appreciate it if anybody could help me out here and explain what on earth that means. Okay, game time in a bit. Look for Pedro to wear some super stylish sleeves again to break his non-winning streak. Let’s go for the sweep!

Bye Bye Hollywood, Hello Phoenixwood

2006-06-08T01:27:00.000-04:00

What's up Met fans, Willie here, back again after a nice little series victory against those dafty Dodgers. Alay Soler had a great game for us Monday, but Pedro and Tommy seemed starstruck by all the A-list celebrities at the game (like Richard Lewis and Mary Hart.) Our offense broke out today and overcame a bad outing by Tommy, so we're okay. Our stud Jose Valentin had a bad game yesterday, making two errors in one inning, but that's no biggie. Like I told him after the game, "Jose, don't worry if you play like crap every other game. You're so damn good in the other games that it makes up for the occasional two error inning. I'm even willing to tolerate four or five errors an inning from you if it means getting you out there every day." My talk obviously pumped him up; today's performance by him speaks for itself.

On the flight out to L.A. after the Giants game, I watched a show called "Entourage". (Pedro Feliciano bought it for me as a gift. He buys me things every day. I'm not sure why, but I think he may have a crush on me.) The show was actually not bad, and as I was walking down Rodeo Drive later that day with Paul Lo Duca, Cliff Floyd and David Wright, I realized that me and the guys were just like Vince, Eric, Johnny Drama and Turtle! I, of course, being the best-looking and the leader, am Vince. Paul Lo Duca is Eric, especially because of the similarities in their accents, their diminutive statures, and their tendency to annoy people just by being in the room. Dukie even has a ridiculously hot girlfriend who really shouldn't be giving him the time of day, just like E. So I've decided to call Lo Duca "P" from now on. Cliffy Baseball is of course Johnny Drama. He is so wacky and zany. Did you see the hilarious way he twisted his ankle in yesterday's game? And all season, he's been cracking me up with the ways he manages to get himself out. (Although he hasn't been too funny lately.) The difference between them is that I don't know if Cliffy would get a stiffy from hugging Brooke Shields, but other than that, they're identical. And last and least, David Wright is Turtle. I've long employed him as my personal driver, and he often comes up with idiotic plans, which he and Floyd attempt to enact but hilariously fail at. (David is a little too young to grow Turtle's trademark facial hair though, but that'll come in time.)

I received many e-mails asking what I said to Lastings Milledge after his high-fives up right field at Shea after his first homerun. The truth of the matter is I missed the whole thing (no, I wasn't napping again, I was just resting my eyes). What actually happened was after the game, Milledge came up to me and asked if he could have his gold chain back. Well since as you guys all know, I pawned it to pay for an extravagant night at the Carousel Club, I couldn't really give it back to him. So I told him about a boat I own which I don't like and that I'd love to show him. He must have misunderstood because he began to apologize for showboating, which allowed me to slyly get around his request for his expensive jewlery back.

On the tattletale mystery front, I approached Pedro after Tuesday's game for an update, but he had no names for me. Nevertheless, told me that he "had done everything he had to do in order to get a suspect" and that in his mind "he had given me a suspect whether I thought so or not". His response puzzled me, but then again, Pedro is Pedro. I'll keep working on him.

Okay Met fans, after a good series in LA, we head to Arizona to start a series against the Diamondbacks. Let's go Mets!

I'm Still Awesome

2006-06-04T00:02:00.000-04:00

What’s up Mets fans, Willie here. Back here in the office after a very long day. My last post was a couple days ago and I explained again why I am one of the best managers in the game. Today, my actions further supported that fact. After our afternoon loss, I quickly made the decision to approach Felipe Alou and told him that I wanted to make the second game double or nothing. Since he agreed to this and we won the second game we get credit for two wins and still play tomorrow, whereas if we had lost we would have been swept for the first time this year. I’ve complained about rules quite often, but I think I finally found one that helps us! Also, now that the world knows about my supernatural betting instinct, I’ll let you all know that I will be interviewing for the Marlins managing position in a few years when they move to Las Vegas. But don’t worry, I’m committed 100% to this team right now.

Funny story about the game that never happened last night. As you may or may not know, it was called way before it was even scheduled to start because of the forecast of continuing rain. Because of this of this little convenient detail, I never had to leave my neighborhood in plush New Jersey. The truth is, after many failed attempts I finally perfected the rain dance Jim, a guy from the Pepsi Party Patrol, taught me a while ago. Why did I want it to rain so bad? “The Break-Up” opened Friday night, duh. Man, Vince Vaughn is a phenomenal actor.

One last thing. The game didn’t start on time today because Jim never told me that it’s a good idea to also learn the stop-rain dance. By the time I found this out (I had to find a computer with internet access to ask Jeeves how much longer it would rain), the game was already being delayed. So it turns out Jim doesn’t know the stop-dance to the version he taught me, and only Joey, a pretzel vender, does. Thank goodness Endy finally succeeded at one of his missions and found Joey (correction, he succeeded on his second try. On his first attempt he bought all of his fellow outfielders pretzels…which, by the way, Carlos shouldn’t eat before game time if doesn’t want to miss starts because of stomachaches).

Okay, we’re going for the series win tomorrow afternoon, so I’m calling it an early night. Because of today’s doubleheader I don’t have a starter for Wednesday, so I’ll hopefully be dreaming of some fantastic ways to juggle my pitching staff. No ideas right now besides the obvious solution of having Jose Valentin pitch all 27 innings against the Dodgers. Check back tomorrow to see if I’ve decided.

Everything's Copacetic!

2006-06-01T00:35:00.000-04:00

Met fans, I'm giddy right now. I hope you watched the game today, it is destined to soon be referred to as an "all-time classic". The best part was that the game winning hit was produced by Endy Chavez driving in Jose Valentin! If that sentence doesn't demonstrate that I am probably the best manager that ever managed then I don't know what will. Everyone said to me, "Willie, Endy Chavez is a good triple A player and Jose Valentin is pure garbage". But now what do you have to say? Jose Valentin is tearing it up out there (did you see that phenomenal play at second base!), and I think this is the beginning of probably the best comeback since the that stapler guy from Office Space in Dodgeball after he saw his Asian wife flirting with a guy in the stands.

Okay Met fans, time to celebrate! We have an off day tomorrow, and with the money I got from pawning Lastings Milledge's massive gold necklace, I think more than a few beauties at the Carousel Club are going to be going home with their pockets a little fatter tonight!

My Bad

2006-05-30T23:16:00.000-04:00

What’s up, Willie here again. I’m not in a good mood at all. We lost today because of a shakeup of team chemistry, and there’s only one man ultimately responsible: me. I may be hard on myself sometimes, but let me say it. Xavier Nady was drilled yesterday and my response was far from appropriate. IF I had been paying close attention and not thinking about my fantasy team, I would have seen that Luis Vizcaino had not just let a fastball get away from him, but had indeed thrown the dirty appendectomyball. Given that the appendectomyball is one of the top three dirtiest pitches in the book, I should have immediately called upon my top batman Endy Chavez to charge the mound with Julio Franco and our other Extreme Fighting Champion, Sandy Alomar. But I guess you could say I fell asleep behind the wheel.

And so the story goes. I allow an Arizona pitcher to take a cheap shot at one of my players and things are all out of balance. What can I say, I dropped the ball. I just didn’t recognize the pitch until it was too late. I didn’t seize the opportunity to pull this team together.

Why is losing Xavier such a big deal? Well, for starters, Milledge wears number 44 and plays Right Field. Consequently, Carlos Beltran now only plays straightaway center and left center. Secondly, without Nady in the lineup, the Mets lose revenue dollars from one of our main sponsors, Xavier University. I don’t really understand the whole money thing to be honest with you, but I do know that I prefer to eat fresh.

Anyway, Alay Soler was a disappointment tonight. There are two potential solutions to this. One, find out what form of Castro is most soothing for him (poster, in person, imposter, or life size dark chocolate replica). Two, tell Omar to hurry up and put together a trade for Javier Valentin.

I don’t have much else tonight, Mets fans. Between today’s pounding and last night’s drinking (come on, what have I said about big wins), I need some shuteye. Hopefully I’ll dream up a mission for Endy to get back at Luis Vizcaino and bring this team together. Okay, rubbergame tomorrow. Ace against ace. Mano y mano. Boy, I’m too tired to even think of another phrase to use that I don’t understand the meaning of. Good night and let’s go Mets!

Outstanding!

2006-05-30T01:28:00.000-04:00

Hey there Met fans, Willie back again. What a game! That was as thrilling a finish as you can ask for. We showed no quit today and came back against Arizona's dominant closer, Jose Valverde. Going in to the ninth, I had some concerns about our ability to come back, especially as Valverde is the consensus choice for the NL Cy Young. But I knew that we had our superstar batman, Endy Chavez coming up. (I have a question for you readers, why does everyone snicker or laugh when I refer to one of my players as "batman"? I don't get it, is there some joke I'm missing?) Endy was up hitting 9th thanks to my mastery of the art of the double switch. (Thanks Dennis!) As Endy walked to the plate, I gave Endy the sign to fall behind 0-2 and then lace a double which goes past the left fielder's glove. (If you're wondering, and if you promise not to tell, that particular play is represented by touching your nose, tapping your left bicep, flexing your right calf, putting in your finger in your belly button for two seconds, then doing a curtsy.) After that, I sat back down because I knew my job was done. As soon as I saw Endy on second, I wondered why Arizona manager Bob Melvin didn't just give up right then and there and save us all some trouble, but then again, not every manager can be as good as me.

I must say though I was a bit upset that again it was David Wright who ended up with the game-winning hit. My loyal readers know the somewhat tumultous history between David and me, and because I cannot rule out his involvement in my getting in trouble with Major League Baseball over this blog, I secretly despise him. I approached Pedro after the game and asked if he had any news regarding the investigation, and he told me he was following some leads and that he would get back to me shortly. In the meantime, look for David Wright to become a "Designated Fielder" or DF in the coming days. This technically isn't allowed by the rulebooks, so what I'll do is simply forfeit his at-bat every time it comes around. That'll teach him for maybe having done something to me.

I'm also severely concerned by Steve Trachsel's recent form. His past few outings have been nothing short of bad, and now with El Duque and Soler on our team, I see us having eight or nine starting pitchers to choose from (Pedro, Glavine, Trachsel, El Duque, Soler, Valentin, Chavez, Matsui and if his arthritis isn't acting up, Sandy Alomar), and so Trachsel's spot is very much in jeopardy. And the real reason Kaz isn't the starting second baseman anymore is because I want him spending more time with Rick Peterson. I see a dominant ace in that spry little body of his!

Speaking of Jose Valentin, what a game huh?! I've asked Omar to inquire about acquiring his brother Javier Valentin to further boost our Valentin power. I'd also love to have John Valentin, who's a manager in our minor league system, come back to the team. I know he's not related, but the opponents may not know that, and they'll probably fear him too. I just wish Jose's parents had gotten a little busier in the bedroom, then we'd be in business!

Okay fans, it's night night time. Tomorrow's a big game, with Alay Soler going on the mound. I think I've learned from my mistake last time, and I assured Soler that I won't put up any more posters of Fidel Castro. Clearly the poster is no substitute for the real deal, so I've made a few phone calls and Fidel Castro himself may be coming to Shea tomorrow. Oh boy, I can't wait for Alay's reaction! You know I don't like patting myself on the back, but I really am the most caring and devoted manager in all of baseball history. Let's go Mets!

Was I right or Was I Right?

2006-05-28T21:20:00.001-04:00

What’s up, Willie here. I’m currently en route back to New York after a solid series win against the Marlins. We reached cruising altitude a while ago, and I’m looking out from my window seat. Both Jerry Manuel and I enjoy watching the sunset from the plane, and there were only two window seats left when we boarded (one on the east side of the plane and the other one the west). Clearly, only one of us would be able to get what we wanted. So, as I believe all grown men should settle things, we played rock, paper scissors, best of three. Good news is, I’m on a rock, paper, scissors tear. Earlier this week I beat Rick Peterson for the first time, and then today I defeat Jerry 2-0. Bad news is I still didn’t see the sunset because I fell asleep. To think I went through all the trouble of getting a seat on the east side of the plane just to fall asleep.

Anyway, speaking of falling asleep on the plane…I wrote a couple days ago about an instance of bad team chemistry, and unfortunately there was another one a few minutes ago. Endy Chavez had a long weekend and, trying to emulate my style, took a sexy siesta as soon as the fasten seatbelt sign went off. Now David Wright saw this, and decided to draw rainbows on Endy’s face to get back at him for the “back spasm” situation I wrote about earlier. Who would have thought David has a set of rainbow markers?

Anyway, a couple words about today’s game. What did I tell you about El Duque?!! Talk about instantaneous impact. Sure he only threw five innings, but I had my 2 and 2/3 innings specialist, Health Bell, to take care of the later portion of the game. I can’t say how impressed I am with the winning ways El Duque brings to this ball club. Notice how none of the Marlin infielders wanted to play defense? That’s because in his first two at bats, he used the throw the bat at the ball with two strikes trick. It scared the hell out of them. And then, when he didn’t execute it perfectly the second time, he confused them to no end by turning around and walking back to the dugout before the third strike crossed the plate.

One final note about El Duque. All the success he had today almost didn’t happen. It took me literally fifteen times to explain to him that even though I am his coach, Joe Girardi isn’t his catcher anymore, and he can’t go tell him how he’s going to pitch the Marlin batters. I wonder if the fact that the first fourteen explanations were in English had anything to do with this.

So I rested Xavier Nady again today. You may say, “Again? He played yesterday.” And so you are correct, and I must admit a mistake on my part. Yesterday I gave Nady, LoDuca, Delgado and Floyd the day off. Problem is that I replaced all of them in the lineup except for Nady. The result: my “right fielder” went 0-5. Today to my credit I remembered to put Endy in there. Speaking of Endy, I must remember to cancel the mission “back spasms: Barry Bonds” now that 715 is in the books. Okay Met fans, that’s all for now. Bring on those D-Backs!

Nice Win I Think

2006-05-27T23:31:00.000-04:00

What's up Mets fan. Solid win by us today I think. To be honest, I can't be sure because I fell asleep for most of the game, taking what Jose Valentin calls a "sexy siesta". By the time I woke up, the game was long over, and hitting coach Rick Down told me we won. I always enjoy surprises like that.

After last night's game, Pedro Martinez told the media how he did not think he himself had actually lost, and said that he had done more than enough to win. Of course, after these selfish remarks, I had to pull Pedro aside today and talk to him. I let him know in no uncertain terms that comments like these are bad for the team, and that everything we do publicly and privately should be intended to promote team unity and to secure a world championship at the end of the year. I told him to follow my example. I endorse Subway (where you can always eat fresh) because I want our players to have the best nutrition, and I hope to soon sign an endorsement deal for Viagra because uh, you know, a satisfied team is a happy team. Of course, Pedro felt bad about what he had done after I explained it to him like this, so I told him that if he wanted to make up for it, he could conduct a secret undercover investigation and find out if David Wright was actually the one who told on me to the MLB people about my blog, as I strongly suspect. (I had earlier assigned Endy Chavez to conduct the investigation, but due to the language barrier, he misinterpreted my remarks, and hit David Wright in the back with his bat instead. This was the real reason for his "back spasms" that kept him out of Friday's game.) Pedro agreed to look into this, and I'll let you guys know what he finds.

I always like to circle up with my players before they leave the clubhouse, to keep them pumped and focused. Today, I spoke at length with Billy Wagner, and asked him if his arm was feeling strong. He responded with a question, asking "Does a striped bull moose bark like a firefly?". I had no idea what he was talking about, and considered sending Endy Chavez on another investigation, but by the weird smile Billy had on his face, I guessed he meant that his arm was indeed feeling strong. Look for Billy to make a start in the coming week.

Okay guys, it's time for me to hit the hay as we have another early afternoon game tomorrow. Let's go Mets!

Trouble in Paradise

2006-05-26T23:06:00.000-04:00

What’s up, Willie here again. I’m in a bad mood right now. Not because we were shut down by a rookie for the fourth time this year, but because we lost because we didn’t play as a team tonight. Let me explain…

Pedro had a decent outing, but it could have been better, and would have been if I didn’t have to mess up his rhythm. As you may or may not remember, Pedro started the game with long sleeves on. Stupid you may think – it was 90 degrees with 110% humidity. But no, I told him to do it. I said, “Pedro, you haven’t won in a couple of games, so wear these super stylish sleeves tonight.” He agreed instantaneously that it would help on the mound. So anyway, a couple innings into the game and disaster strikes. I like to think my players all get along, but that wasn’t the case tonight. I was in the dugout doing what I usually do in about the third inning – checking the pitching matchups for my fantasy team – when all hell breaks loose. I’m not sure who exactly started what. All I know is that Jose Reyes was yelling something about how he would make a better DH than Jose Valentin. This of course is unacceptable, as Valentin is clearly the best player on my team at every position and would undoubtedly be most qualified to DH had President Woodrow Wilson not lobbied the League of Nations to ban it in the NL. Still, I knew I needed to put Reyes in his place right then and there. This is when I see home plate umpire Brian Gorman talking to Pedro. Pedro comes back and tells me that Brian won’t give the corners to him unless gets he rid of the super stylish sleeves. Bingo! I think. I can fix two problems at once. I’ll cut off Pedro’s sleeves so the ump won’t be jealous anymore of my team’s style, AND I’ll use the sleeves to make a rope – creating a means to have Jose and Jose settle their DH dispute. But what means you ask. The answer: TUG OF WAR. I know, sometimes I outdo myself. So it’s a rumble in the jungle of south Florida. Tommy Glavine joins Reyes’ side because he too thinks he would make a better DH than Valentin (in all fairness, Glavine is my best hitting pitcher AFTER Valentin). So I join Valentin’s side, and Jerry Manuel sets things in motion. It’s been a really long time since I last was involved in a tug of war – not since my days with the Yankees when Jason Giambi would see how many people he could defeat all by himself. Still, all you need to know is that my side won. I may have paid Rick Peterson to grab onto Glavine’s ankles, I may not have.

The end of this story is that short sleeve Pedro was bitten by a mosquito on the arm in the seventh inning and as a result things fell apart. Listen Met fans, you win some and you lose some. Things weren’t meant to work out tonight. I’ll have a talk with Reyes tomorrow and tell him he needs to keep swinging for the fences on every pitch before he starts making claims about DHing. Okay, let’s bounce back tomorrow!

Solid

2006-05-25T00:18:00.000-04:00

What's up Met Fans, Willie here again. Great win today by us. Unfortunately due to an afternoon game tomorrow (this time, I checked ahead) there won't be much drinking going on tonight, but if I could, I would!

Tonight was Alay Soler's debut, and he seemed to be wracked with nerves in the first inning. I don't know why though. As my loyal readers all know, I'm a sensitive guy who cares deeply about all my players, so knowing that Soler might be a bit nervous, and knowing that he hails from Cuba, I decided to remodel the clubhouse into a Cuba theme for the night. I put up posters of Fidel Castro everywhere in the hopes that the image of his nation's leader would reassure him. But for some reason, looking at Fidel Castro seemed to make him more nervous! I know if I was playing in Cuba for the first time, I would love for pictures of George W. Bush to be in my clubhouse! And further, I put Castro as his catcher, but in between innings, Ramon told me that Soler kept asking him if he's related to Fidel and begged him not to kill his family. Ramon laughed about it but I didn't. If anyone on this ballclub is going to be asked for mercy, it is going to be me. I went over to Soler and told him that I call the shots around here, not Ramon Castro. Fortunately for all, Alay calmed down and pitched a solid next five innings.

As I'm sure you're all aware by now, we acquired Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez today via trade. You guys all got the scoop a couple of weeks back, and I hope you all did indeed buy your El Duque jerseys like I suggested. Since El Duque is one of a handful of aces in the game, we had to pay a lot, and we did, sending Jorge Julio (my best reliever next to Jose Valentin) to Arizona. Hopefully, El Duque will end up making this trade worthwhile.

A lot of people have asked me about Billy Wagner being used so often recently, and they're all wondering whether he'll be burned out if this keeps up. Well to them I say, I hear what you are saying. That's why tomorrow, Billy will be in center field (with instructions to only throw with his right hand), Carlos Beltran will be behind the plate, and Paul Lo Duca will go to the bullpen to be used as my closer. Jose Valentin will play second and also act as my bench and third base coach, and Julio Franco will go up and take Ron Darling's place in the announcer's booth. Either Ron or Jeremi Gonzalez will start tomorrow. Let's Go Mets!

Big Win Last Night

2006-05-24T16:59:00.000-04:00

Hey Mets fans, Willie here. Had to sleep in today after that marathon game last night and the ensuing celebration. I know we all can agree that last night was a huge win, and with huge wins come huge celebrations. I believe I established the reasons behind this logic after our big series with the Pirates earlier this month.

Anyway, to the game. Many of you are probably wondering why I burned my best bench player so early. It was after all only the fifth inning when I sent Jose Valentin up. Well listen, my intention was to have him stay in to pitch. I know I’ve said before that he would pitch and never followed through, but I finally beat Rick Peterson at rock, paper, scissors yesterday, and as a result got to choose who came out of the bullpen for the rest of the game. But then Omar told me we still don’t have a starter for Thursday, and then I knew right away I should save Jose.

Let me discuss one other interesting incident from that same inning. I think you know what I’m talking about: the look at me I’m Paul LoDuca and don’t make easy tags at the plate play. As the manager, it’s my job to stand up for my players. That being said, I’ll admit it. It wasn’t Paul’s fault – it was mine. Endy made a hell of a throw, and the ball clearly beat the runner. So why didn’t Paul make the tag? I distracted him. How? Just as the ball was coming in, I yelled: “Look out! Butterfly!!” That may not make any sense at first, but it turns out Paul has lepidophobia – otherwise known as fear of butterflies. You see, before the game I was chatting with Pedro in the clubhouse about his garden, and he was telling me about this gorgeous Monarch he had seen the other day. Then for no apparent reason, Paul, who was clearly eavesdropping, tells me his back isn’t going to let him play. Only later in my office does he explain that the thought of butterflies bothers him so much that he can’t focus whenever people mention them. Still, I calmed him down enough and he was in the starting lineup.

So maybe it wasn’t a wise decision to yell butterfly as Pat Burrell was barreling down the line. I don’t care. I like to have fun sometimes, and I know there’s a time and place for it. I can’t help it if it that moment called for it. For all you who think I’m a mean guy, don’t worry, he got me back. Very next batter, Paul calls the forbidden homerball. I explicitly told him time and time again that LimaTime has exclusive rights to that pitch, and it’s not acceptable to call it during non-LimaTime.

One last thing from last night. Let me tell you how much I hate rules - the ground rule double in particular. How many times have we seen one of our players hit a ball in the gap that should be a triple bounce over the wall? Last night it happened again, when our top speed guy, Julio Franco, hit a ball that bounced over the right field wall. Manny Acta had already held him up at third, but noooo, send him back to second. Stupid rulebook.

Okay, there’s apparently a game soon. I was under the impression that last night’s game counted double since it was so long and we would have today off, but Jerry Manuel just told me we had to play a full 18 innings for that to happen. Time to go out and ride some momentum!

I'm Back in Business

2006-05-22T02:56:00.000-04:00

What's up Met Fans, Willie here again. Many of you have been wondering where I've been over the past two weeks and why I haven't been posting, especially as I had been doing so every day prior to that. Well what happened is this. Some troublemaker posted the link to my blog on David Wright's MLB-approved blog. Then the guy who runs the blog site asked Jay Horowitz, VP and head of Media Relations with the Mets, if Willie Randolph had a blog. Of course, since this was supposed to be a SECRET site where I could put my personal feelings without fear of corporate punishment, I did not tell the Mets about the blog. So after the MLB blogs guy asked Jay, he came to me, and asked if indeed I was the author behind this blog. He even brought his laptop (an adorable little Mac) in and showed me the website. In perhaps my greatest acting job, I proceeded to feign being flabbergasted, and vowed to find and kill the perpetrators behind the blog. Satisfied, Jay reported back to the MLB blogs guy, who in turn posted a response on David Wright's blog saying that this blog was not written by me. Whew. I knew I had really dodged a bullet, but I also knew that I had to lay low for a couple of weeks until the heat passed. So now that that crisis is averted, it's back to Willie Time!

What a Subway Series, huh guys???! We could have and should have swept the series if not for a certain southerner's meltdown on Saturday. You know, after that game, a lot of questions were asked about my managerial ability. People said, "Willie! Pedro was scheduled for another five days of rest and to pitch against Florida, had only thrown 100 pitches and seemed incapable of giving up a hit let alone a run, why take him out?", and "Willie! Why did you take Duaner Sanchez out, he pitched a quick and easy eighth inning and Wagner had pitched the night before and may be needed the next day", and "Willie! It's clear by now that Wagner cannot pitch in any non-save situation and that he has in fact given up most of his runs in such situations and for whatever reason, he just stinks in that scenario, so why did you pitch him in that kind of situation at all?" Well to those questioners, I say, "Shut up, that's why." Let me ask you all to do something right now and I want you to be totally honest with me. Please raise your hand if you are the manager of the New York Mets. That's right, only one hand should be up, and indeed my hand is raised high in the air. Now two years ago, the job was vacant. Why didn't any of you interview? That was your chance, but you guys all blew it. Now I'm the manager and no one is allowed to question me, unless you're the owner or GM. So unless your name is George Stei uh I mean Fred Wilpon or Omar Minaya, then please keep quiet.

I was speaking with Omar yesterday regarding our rotation and I came away saddened by what he told me. Firstly, as you all know by now, Lima Time is over. Without Zambrano or Lima, our team is left with Jose Valentin as the lifeblood and we're going to have to depend on him more and more. To that end, I've asked our coaches to come up with some special drills for Valentin so that he will be able to play all three outfield positions at once. I am also scouring the rulebooks for loopholes which will allow us to bat Jose at every position as well. Although with his recent performance, I am really starting to wonder whether Valentin deserves his roster spot.

In further bad news, the aforementioned El Duque trade is off the table. Omar said that he thought I was perhaps willing to offer too much for him, and that Arizona had offered to take Lima in exchange for El Duque and they also offered to send us 5 million dollars. That's of course when I realized the truth. Arizona clearly had the wrong El Duque. If this was the real El Duque instead of an imposter El Duque, then clearly Arizona would be demanding much, much, much more.

Anyway, Omar says that the solution for now is going to be Alay Soler on Wednesday against the Phillies. I have no idea who he is nor do I intend to look up anything about him. All I know is he will be starting at shortstop, and hopefully he can give us a couple of strong at-bats. Jose Valentin will be behind the plate, and first base coach Sandy Alomar will be playing first base, while Delgado will take his place coaching. I'm still not sure who'll be pitching though, hopefully Omar will straighten that out.

I am a human being and I am the first to admit my mistakes. Therefore, I would like to admit that I made a mistake in today's game. When I brought Aaron Heilman in the game to pitch the top of the 7th, people wondered why I didn't double switch, and realized that by not doing so I forced him into a one inning outing as his spot was due up first in the bottom of the 7th. Well the truth is I forgot, okay? I was so pumped up because bench coach Jerry Manuel told me he would accept a trade I offered him in our fantasy league (I traded him Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano and Jose Lima) that I completely forgot. Good thing it didn't matter, as we won the game 18-3. At least I think that's the final score but I'm not sure, because to be honest, I took a nap after the 8th. Negotiating always makes me tired.

Anyway Met fans, I'll try to keep updating, and please, no one tell the Mets.

I'm Furious, Just Furious

2006-05-08T05:42:00.001-04:00

Hey Met Fans, Willie here again. I'm in a terrible mood. Not only did we get pummeled today by the Atlanta Braves, but we also lost our best starter for the year. This was truly a terrible day. On to the lowlights:

Firstly, many of you Met fans may know Angel Hernandez as the umpire who hates the Mets. Actually, he doesn't hate the Mets, he hates me. You see, Angel and I went to the same high school, and we fought for the affections of the prettiest girl in school, Lola Jenkins. We both asked her to the prom, and because she was probably blind, she chose Angel. But I got my revenge when I filled a super soaker with cherry kool-aid and sprayed it all over his white prom tuxedo. He vowed revenge and I guess he's getting it now as an umpire. If you're reading this Angel, you win! I'm sorry, just please don't take out our personal problems on my team. Also, I'd like to point out that Angel is a girl's name and that you're probably gay.

Many Met fans were shocked at Paul LoDuca's tantrum on the field after the blown call by Angel Hernandez, and were befuddled by the fact that with the play still alive, he elected to jump up and down and spike the ball, letting it roll away and allowing the runner to get to third base. I on the other hand was delighted! We practiced that play all spring, and we finally got a chance to put it into play. There really isn't a point to the play, but it's just something my gut told me would be handy to know. I'm sure next time we call that particular play, we'll have better results.

I'd also like to point to a shining beacon of light in yesterday's game: Jose Valentin. Today, he worked the pitcher all the way to a 3-2 count, which caused the pitcher to expend a tremendous amount of energy. The result of his at-bat (Valentin walked but the umpire saw a mirage of a bat swinging) wasn't nearly as important as the intangibles like the one I mentioned. I don't know what I'd do without this guy.

Some fans have commented that they would like to have Roger Clemens on this team. Well I don't. I want to win and I don't see how Roger can help us do that. Since we definitely need a starter, I sat down with Omar after today's game and threw him a trade idea which will push our team over the edge and make us the favorites to win the World Series: David Wright, Lastings Milledge and Mike Pelfrey to the Arizona Diamondbacks for Orlando Hernandez. I had him when I was with the Yankees and I know he is the kind of guy that champion teams are built around, hence the fairly high price tag we'd have to give up. And trading Wright would finally open up a starting spot for Valentin, another bonus. If I were you, I'd start ordering those customized El Duque jerseys right now!

We're On a Roll

2006-05-06T21:20:00.000-04:00

Hey Mets fans. Sorry about the lack of updates over the last couple of days. We've been kicking some serious ass lately, and all-night post-game celebrations have left me quite hung over. Last night, I went clubbing with Jorge Julio. That guy really drank me under the table.

Speaking of last night, what a victory. At first, I thought it was our heart and determination that propelled us to pull that one out. That is until I saw this image of Keith and Gary. When I asked Dennis the batboy about their strange apparel, he explained that they were wearing "rally caps," meant to will our team to score runs. I was struck by the brilliance of such an idea. Not long after Keith and Gary donned their rally caps, David crushed his game-winning double. Coincidence? I think not. Just like I forbid facial hair last season, I am about to make another uniform change which will impact this team in a big way. From now on, rally caps must be worn by all team members, including myself, whenever we are trailing in late innings. Expect the wins to continue piling up, because I don't think anyone will be able to stop us now that the magic of the rally cap is on our side.

We were fortunate to grab another win today, and the rally caps were unnecessary since we had established a lead late in the game. Many people are wondering what exactly happened to Zambrano on the mound today. Well, thanks to this blog, Mets fans, I am about to tell you. While pitching to Andruw Jones, he felt some slight discomfort, so I trotted out to the mound to find out if he was alright. He assured me that he was fine, and he proceeded to strike out Jones on a filthy pitch. Then he immediately jets off the mound and into the clubhouse. Needless to say, I was befuddled. After I put Oliver in, I went to check on him. It turns out he ate some White Castle before the game. I think you guys know how much of a bad idea that was. Those things slide right out of you. He had no choice but to run off the mound. When nature calls, you gotta answer. Thankfully, his stomach problem is gone. Unfortunately, in his rush to the bathroom, he hit his right elbow on the bathroom door. It looks like he's gonna be out for a while. That's why I always tell my players, "Eat Subway, and eat fresh." If he had only listened, maybe we wouldn't have lost our best pitcher.

I also would like to give credit to Carlos Beltran. He's playing exceptionally well right now, and he's really helping this ballclub. If this picture is any indication, then he is definitely back to 100%. Either that, or he's been selling some Johnny Cakes on the side, if you know what I mean. Not that there's anything wrong with that. That picture is from People Magazine's 100 Most Beautiful People Issue. Now, I'm happy for Carlos, but the folks at People have really rubbed me the wrong way. After thumbing through the latest issue, I was appalled to find that there was no mention of yours truly. Everyone knows I'm the best looking man in sports. Only Jose Valentin comes close to rivaling my rugged good looks. You know, most people tell me I resemble a better looking version of Denzel. I've had it with People. I'm canceling my subscription ASAP.

In other news, Omar informed me that tomorrow will be Lima Time. So this is a friendly reminder to set your clocks back one hour to coincide with our friends in Peru. That means an extra hour of sleep. We really need it after that marathon game last night. Our guys should be well rested for tomorrow's game. I still haven't figured out who's pitching though. Maybe Julio can go for 5 or 6. I'm really starting to like that guy. Alright fans, I'm off to get some shut-eye. Let's go for the sweep tomorrow!

Great Manager, Great Game

2006-05-04T01:04:00.000-04:00

Hey Willie Fanatics. You know, like "Philly Fanatics," only with my name instead. Never mind. Dennis the batboy told me to use that one. That's the last time I listen to him. About the blog, of course. I'll definitely continue to utilize him for in-game counsel. Believe me, the kid knows his stuff. You can tell he's been around the game for a really long time. For instance, he taught me this thing called the double switch. It blew me away. I haven't quite gotten the hang of it yet, but I'm getting there. Rick Peterson told me it should take me ten minutes to learn. I guess he was speaking figuratively, because he was way off on that one.

Anyway, it was a good win tonight. Sure, Pedro, Carlos, and Endy played pretty well. I must say though, it was my sensational managerial performance that put us over the top. First of all, I decided to rest Nady and play Chavez instead. Like I told reporters after the game, I just had a hunch that he was gonna come through for us. So how did Endy do? 4-5 with an outstanding catch in right field. See, who said you needed a wealth of baseball knowledge to manage a big league club? I generally like to go with my gut feelings, and where has it left me? 1st place, bitches. I have a feeling that Jose Valentin is gonna have a big game tomorrow, so you should expect to see him out on the field. Well, by now, you should have come to expect him to be out there every game, but look for even more of him tomorrow. I'm hoping to get a good four or five at-bats from him. With the middle of our lineup slumping, I'm glad I have him to pick up the slack.

Speaking of Valentin, I have to tip my hat to him on a job well done tonight. After the game, several people asked me why I took Pedro out after he was dominating the Pirates on only 78 pitches. I said it once, and I'll say it again: I wanted to score a run. In that situation, there was simply no other choice than to put in the Pinch-hit Wonder. After giving Valentin instructions, I sent him out there to put us ahead. Several pitches later, he had perfectly executed our plan. You see, it was cold and rainy at Shea, and I noticed that the weather was starting to get to Snell. I told Jose to whiff three times, sending a trifecta of poweful frigid blasts in his direction. After the at-bat, Snell was ice cold. So what does he do against Reyes? He tosses one right over the plate for Reyes to drive for a triple. Valentin never ceases to amaze me. Without him, Reyes doesn't hit that triple and the run doesn't score. Valentin does the little things that don't show up in the box score. That's why I love him. I think you all could agree that we wouldn't be the same without him.

When I think back on this game, it's no wonder I have a whopping 91% approval rating on espn.com. I don't know why Beltran said he felt bad for me when he heard about my popularity. He said that he knows how much of a struggle it is to be at 98% and that he couldn't imagine being 7 percent lower. I think he was talking about something completely different. Who knows? Anway, good night. Gotta get some rest befre we take on these Pirates again.

I'm Steamed

2006-05-03T09:08:00.000-04:00

Hi Met fans, Willie here. No "What's up" today, I'm not in a good mood. Not only did we lose to a garbage rookie on a garbage team, but I got thrown out of the game! A lot of people have asked what the conversation between the umpire and me was like, so here's a re-creation of it from the best of my memory:

Me (from the dugout): C'mon, Ump! That was a strike!
David Wright (next to me, whispering): You mean a ball...
Me: I meant a ball! That was a ball dammit!
Umpire: Shut up Willie!
Me: Don't you tell me to shut up, you're not my momma or Joe Torre! You look like a baboon!
Umpire: Alright that's it, you're outta there!
Me: Out of where?
Umpire: The game! I'm ejecting you!
Me: What??! (At this point, I leave the dugout and go face-to-face with the umpire) How can you throw me out of the game? First of all, that pitch was clearly a strike.
David Wright (yelling from the dugout): BALL!
Me: That pitch was clearly a ball! And second of all, if I give you a coupon to Subway will you let me back in the game?
Umpire: Subway sucks!

At this point, I lost my temper Met fans, and the rest of the conversation is not fit for print. Let's just say I'm furious, especially since Subway was ranked #4 out of all chain restaurants in the National Chain Restaurant Association 2005 Survey of Customer Preference. I think #4 certainly does not suck.

On to the baseball game. I had read all over the internet that many Met fans believe that rookie pitchers like Mike O'Connor tend to shut us down. So I gave our team a pregame pep talk telling them to mail it in, because our fans expect us to lose, and dammit I want our team to meet and even exceed their expectations. And boy did the guys exceed expectations! Even I did not expect that level of incompetence in our batting! We definitely made that guy look like a Cy Young winner. I'll be sure to keep tabs on him next year when I'm sure he'll be looking for a position as shift manager at a Subway in his hometown.

Today's another day as they say, and Pittsburgh is coming in with their own crappy young pitcher. Perhaps another pep talk is in order...

Told You Guys!

2006-05-02T09:32:00.000-04:00

What's up Met fans, Willie here again. Well I don't like saying "I told you so", so instead I'll just mention that I was right and that you were all wrong. Victor gave us six strong innings and really projected an aura of confidence, and dare I say, gangsterness. I think the Washington Nationals hitters were genuinely scared of Victor and felt that if they got a hit, he would shoot them as they lined up to get on the team bus after the game. That's the kind of mood you want your ace to set!

A lot of people were critical of Jose last night after making a big out in a critical stage in the game and potentially causing us to lose the game, but I'm not one of those people. Jose is an electrifying player and I think we're only going to see Jose getting better as time goes on. By the way, I'm talking about Jose Valentin not Jose Reyes, who got thrown out at third in a key situation late in the game. What an idiot! I knew I should have started Valentin at short last night.

Last night after the game, I threw an idea out to Rick Peterson and I want to run it by you loyal blog readers as well. Since Duaner Sanchez has proven that he is incapable of giving up a run, why not start him? Imagine a starter who would give you a complete game shutout every time?! I'd be crazy not do it!

Okay Met fans, we've got a tough game tomorrow as our rookie pitcher John Maine gets a start in place of the injured Brian Bannister. (At least he'll be starting unless I can convince Peterson about my plan for Duaner...)

Bad Loss Today

2006-05-01T03:28:00.000-04:00

What's up guys, Willie here again. I'm pretty ticked off after today's terrible performance by our team. Everyone told me, "Willie, skip Victor Zambrano, he's terrible. Let Trachsel go." Well how exactly did Trachsel do today? I bet Victor would have a hard time topping the terribleness of this particular outing! Also, a lot of people have said to me, "Willie, please hit Carlos Beltran second in the lineup, this is where he is best statistically as well as where he is more comfortable mentally." Well, to all those people, I say shut up. I will keep hitting either slow catchers or bad second basemen in the second hole and there is nothing you can do to stop me.

I'm sorry fans if I seem a little angrier than usual in tonight's posting, but the fact of the matter is that I am. All my moves backfired today! I skipped Zambrano, and got a worse start from Trachsel. I bring in Oliver in a critical spot when I probably should have gone to a better reliever, and he blew it. I put Julio in the game with us down by two runs, and he made it a 4-run deficit. I put sprinkles on my vanilla ice cream cone and when I tried to eat it, one of them fell in my eye. Nothing went right for me today! Fortunately, we're heading home to play the Washington Nationals, with my boy, "Mr. Number 3 Starter" Victor Zambrano towing the rubber. And write it down, Jose Valentin is starting at third base tomorrrow night!

Even Nicer Victory Tonight Guys

2006-04-30T03:48:00.000-04:00

What's up Met fans, Willie here. An even nicer victory tonight as we shutout the Atlanta Braves 1-0 behind some solid pitching by Glavine, Heilman and Wagner, clutch hitting by Lo Duca, and excellent management by me.

The big news besides the victory is of course the return of Carlos Beltran to the lineup. The temperature wasn't quite as warm as Carlos wanted, but when I took the local paper and showed him the "feels like" temperature section, he was satisfied that it was warm enough. He had a really good game, going 1-3 with a walk, but after the game, I pulled Endy aside and told him, "Don't worry, you'll be back in this lineup soon. After all, we do play Pittsburgh on Wednesday and Thursday, and I know C-Bel has a childhood fear of pirates."

Hawkeyed viewers might also have noticed that in the 9th inning, I told Jose Valentin to get ready to pinch-hit then changed my mind and went with Julio Franco. I did this not because I've lost any sort of faith in Valentin, but rather the opposite, I have too much faith in him. I knew that if I sent Jose up with a runner on, the most likely outcome would have been a 500-foot two-run homerun to deep centerfield, giving us a 3-0 lead. But would this test Wagner's intestinal fortitude? No, not in the slightest. Wagner needs to get us some 1-0 pressure saves so I can know whether to trust him or not later on, so I called Valentin back and sent up Franco, who I was reasonably confident would not be able to replicate anything near Valentin's potential production. And of course, a double play ensued.

Alright Met fans, I'd better get some shut-eye, we've got an afternoon game tomorrow with Trachsel going against Kyle Davies, the guy who threw a complete game against us in his last outing. It's revenge time!

Nice Victory

2006-04-29T08:42:00.000-04:00

Hello Met Fans, Willie Here. Nice victory last night. I was very happy with our execution, our dedication, and our general motivation. I don't know what it was, but our guys really seemed like they wanted to win last night!

A few issues still arose throughout the game though:

In the second inning, we found ourselves having 2nd and 3rd with no outs and Endy Chavez at the plate and with Pedro behind him. Jerry Manuel (bench coach) came to me and said, "Willie, hit and run or bunt?" I responded, "Time to think big, Jerry." So I went to the top step of the dugout and gave third base coach Manny Acta the sign to tell Chavez that I was calling the homerun. Yes, true it was risky, but the hit and run and bunt simply could not give me the offense I needed. So I told Chavez to hit a homerun. Unfortunately, the sign was lost in tranlation between English and Spanish. Manny, Endy and I are going to have so have a sitdown before tonight's game.

Also, I don't know if you guys have noticed, but I've decided to institute the "fist pound" as the official team "thing to do". It is really great for motivating players because the fist pound can be for celebration as well as for pain; it can go from celebratory maneuver to closed fist punch in the forehead in no time. It keeps the players guessing and makes them want to win, especially because no one wants to be punched in the forehead.

Okay Met fans, I want to discuss a serious situation. As we all know, our Triple A pitcher Yusaku Iriki was suspended for 50 games for using steroids. I think this brings to light a really serious issue in baseball: sucky players using steroids. So far, every player caught has been terrible. What kind of steroids are they using? Clearly not the good stuff. I think we as lovers of baseball need to convene a committee to examine whether we should allow garbage players like Iriki to use steroids to be able to play on the same level as tremendosly talented players like Victor Zambrano and Jose Valentin. But I think this is an issue better explored in depth in my forthcoming book, Willie on Willie.

Okay guys, I'm off to get some continental breakfast. See you tonight Met fans!

Atlanta Time

2006-04-27T23:35:00.000-04:00

What's up Met fans, Willie here again. We're here for a big series against the Atlanta Braves. A lot of people keep saying that the Atlanta Braves are the team to beat since they've won 14 division titles in a row and that every year someone picks against them, they end up having to eat crow. Well after I checked into my hotel, I thought I would walk around Atlanta and talk to actual Brave fans about their team. I found that these fans aren't nearly as Brave as they're cracked up to be. If you chase them with a baseball bat, they tend to run and cry.

On to baseball matters, Peterson has prevailed on me to skip Victor Zambrano and go with Pedro on Friday, Glavine on Saturday and Trachsel on Sunday. I guess this is okay, but we'll have to see. A bunch of the guys on our team are in slumps, like Jose Reyes, David Wright and Cliff Floyd. They may need days off. I know what you're thinking: I could play Jose Valentin at all three positions, perhaps even simultaneously. I think I'm going to put that idea to the side for now though, and instead send him to the bullpen. After Wagner's meltdown on Wednesday, we need a closer who exudes an aura of strength, and I think Jose and his moustache are perfect.

On to the injury report, our main injuries right now are Brian Bannister (hamstring), David Wright (groin), and Carlos Beltran (testicles). Bannister will probably miss a start. I've asked Peterson to see if Victor has any family members we could sign to pitch in Bannister's place. If we can't locate any, we might have to go with Plan B, Jose Valentin. David Wright's groin is doing a lot better, but he did re-injure it a bit when Billy Wagner punched him in that area after Wright apologized for bumping into him in the hotel lobby. I think Wagner's anti-apologism might become a problem. I know Beltran has an appointment with a witch doctor today, so hopefully that hamstring will be 100% soon.

See you tomorrow Met fans!

Good Game Today

2006-04-26T23:53:00.000-04:00

What's up guys, Willie here again. I'm on the plane to Atlanta after a good series victory in San Francisco. Some game notes:

1. Brian Bannister's injury is serious. When he first pulled up lame and fell down at home plate, I started laughing because I assumed he was pulling a little joke on Carlos Beltran. So as I was helping him to the clubhouse, I let him go, assuming he could walk by himself. Unfortunately, he fell down and bruised his knee too. The trainer said the hamstring should heal soon but the knee bruises should keep him out longer. I think we have to fire this trainer or at least hire a leg specialist. We've had an awful lot of those injuries, haven't we?

2. A lot of people have asked what I'm going to do about the off-day in terms of pushing starters back. Peterson suggested that we should give Pedro an extra day off and pitch him in the opener on Friday, and keep Glavine and Trachsel on their normal rotations by starting them Saturday and Sunday. But I pointed out that this means we would have to skip Victor Zambrano's start. Peterson didn't respond and he looked kind of dazed by what I said. I think he might have gotten a touch of the San Francisco flu. So I made sure to bump him from this flight and let him take one later by himself. I can't have us all going down to illness. Fortunately, the solution came to me thanks to an air stewardess. She came up to me and asked, "Excuse me, sir. would you like honey roasted peanuts or honey roasted cashews?" And I responded, "Well, can I have both?" And she gave me both. Then it hit me, whoa wait a minute. Friday is Pedro's turn on 5 days. Friday is also Zambrano's turn on 4 days. WHY CAN'T WE HAVE THEM BOTH PITCH IN THAT GAME? They are going to alternate. One will pitch one inning, and then retreat to SS (Jose needs the day off) and so on. And it saves me a pitcher out of the bullpen because if one of them gets in trouble, I can go to the mound and bring in the shortstop for a quick out.

Okay well I'm feeling kind of tired. I'll try to update later. Take it easy Met fans!

Carlos Beltran Update

2006-04-26T08:27:00.000-04:00

What's up guys, Willie here again. Here's an update on Carlos Beltran:

He was at 99.6% the other day, but he had a bad dream and he's down to 81.3%.

I just wish we could get some warm weather for Carlos to play in instead of places like San Diego, or as the locals call it, The North Pole of Southern California. I think I'm going to talk to our travel secretary and see if we can move some games from Shea to the Sun. Obviously these would only be day games, or else we'd lose the advantage of the warm conditions on the Sun.

I've also asked the trainer to give Carlos some medicine to keep him awake until then. We don't want any repeats of last night's incident.

Nice Game Guys

2006-04-26T01:58:00.000-04:00

What's up Guys, Willie here. Just got back to the hotel after a good game. I made a number of great moves and led us to a solid victory today. But not everything was perfect, let me mention a few low points:

The game did not start off well, and I was sure we were doomed. You guys remember how I was throwing around a number of ideas regarding the lineup? Well I ended up giving Delgado the day off and asked Lo Duca to play 1B. I'm not comfortable with my bench strength if I played Valentin, especially since I need his counsel on the bench, and Franco was taking a nap around game time after a great early-bird dinner, so I instructed Trachsel to lob the ball up softly and run to the plate and catch it himself. I'm also a little suspicious of Lo Duca's ability to call a game (I mean why did he tell Glavine to throw Alou the homerball yesterday? I've spent so much time instructing my catchers to never call the homerball and to stick to curveballs and screwballs, but they never pay attention.) But for some reason Major League Baseball has a rule against lineup cards written on the back of Subway sandwich wrappers and so they just used the lineup card from yesterday and filled in Trachsel for Glavine. Boy, was I upset. But I've learned that a good manager does not let his emotions be visible, so I stopped crying and resumed my normal position on the top step of the dugout, trying to see what the out-of-town scores are. (For my fantasy team of course. I had 3 starters going today.)

Fortunately, Reyes started the game off with a hit. But then it hit the fan, so to speak, when he stole second base. I can't tell you how absolutely furious I was. Now let me preface this by saying Jose is a good kid and he's gonna be a solid player one day, but he cannot just keep ignoring the advice of his managers if he wants to do well. All year I've been telling Jose, "Look, everytime I give you the steal sign, you keep running to second base. Why the hell don't you just cut across the mound and go right to third? It's called a shortcut, Jose." No matter how many times I explain it to him, he won't listen. Maybe if I start fining him, he'll take notice.

I'm also considering firing Jerry Manuel, my trusted bench coach. He just doesn't have all his marbles nowadays. In the top of the 7th inning, with Matsui on 2nd and Trachsel coming up, Jerry asked me if I wanted to pinch hit for Trachsel. At that point, Trach had only throw 73 pitches and I wanted him to keep pitching, especially since we already had a nice little 2-1 lead. So I told Jerry, "I don't care if it's an automatic out, we have a nice lead." But then for some incredibly ludicrous reason, Jerry sent Valentin in to pinch hit! I was flabbergasted. My anger was tempered by the fact that it was Jose Valentin, King of the Pinch Hits, but still. I felt better after Rick Peterson explained that we had other pitchers who could come in to the game even though we pinch hit for Trachsel. I really think this "bullpen" idea is gonna catch on!

Anyway, I'm beat. We have an afternoon game tomorrow, and I'm going to try to figure out how to bump Bannister and let Zambrano have a go at these Giants. Good night all!

Willie Randolph, Television Superstar

2006-04-25T13:31:00.000-04:00

Recently, a lot of people have been coming up to me to talk about one of the many amazing commercials starring yours truly. If you've watched a Mets game in the last month, then you've definitely seen an ad that's run nearly every commercial break (along with those two incredibly upbeat cancer commercials). It features scenes from games and a quote by me: "What are you going to do. . . Come here and fool around? Play the game." People tell me, "Willie, that line is brilliant. It gets me so amped to watch Mets games. It's no wonder that people call you the best motivator in sports." While that may be true, I need to clear something up. I was horribly misquoted. When I said that, "Come here and fool around" was meant to be the answer, not part of the question. The question mark is in the wrong spot! The reason I raise this issue is that it misrepresents me as a manager. While it's always a plus to win, the point of the game is to have fun. Just ask Jose Reyes. Why do you think I walked Bonds twice last night? Not to avoid "getting beat" by him like I said to reporters. It's because I thought it would be funny to watch him hobble around the bases. Too bad Alou's titanic home run allowed him to jog slowly across home plate. And Victor Zambrano? He's still in the rotation because Rick Peterson and I have a running bet during home games to see how early the fans will start booing him. I won last week with "during pre-game introductions." If I win two more bets, Rick has agreed to cut his mullet. Gambling sure makes the game a lot more fun.

Instead of preparing for tonight's game, I think I'm gonna launch an investigation into finding out who's responsible for this mixup. Probably a woman. Like my buddy Keith Hernandez once told me, "I won't say women belong in the kitchen. But they don't belong in the television studio." Truer words have never been spoken.

First in the NL East, First in my Fantasy League

2006-04-25T09:35:00.000-04:00

Hey Guys, Willie Randolph here again. I took a power nap in my Embassy Suites hotel room and woke up and did my usual morning internet rounds. First I checked the New York Post gossip section to see if I was mentioned. Their new correspondents are clearly losers who don't know where the hot clubs are, because I'm there every night, yet I'm never mentioned. Whatever. Next stop was to my Yahoo Fantasy Baseball League where lo and behold, my team, The Willie Wonkers, are in first place! Hell yeah bitches. I remember the trash talking people gave me at the draft. People said I had no idea what I was doing and that I "had no concept of what a good player was". But my early first place showing has proven them wrong. Let me go through the brilliant maneuvers which has led to my early season successes:

1. I landed the first pick randomly, and I selected the indomitable Moises Alou. People suggested I should have drafted Albert Pujols or Alex Rodriguez or even my very own Pedro Martinez, but I know baseball, and Moises Alou was my #1 pick. So far, he has not disappointed. What was my theory behind the pick? Well, I knew Felipe Alou would bat Barry Bonds ahead of Moises, and I know that some managers would be inclined to walk Barry Bonds to pitch to Moises. Using my power of deduction, I knew this would lead to great RBI opportunities.

2. For my next pick, people expected me to go with Pedro Martinez. Incredibly, he was still available as my turn came around, but I knew that I had more pressing needs on my team. Namely, center field. Fortunately, as the manager of the New York Mets, I am in the enviable position of having one of the major league's best center fielders on my team. With my next pick, I drafted him before anyone else could. And that's how I became the first person to ever draft Endy Chavez in any form of anything. People said to me, "Willie, how many at bats is he going to get?", and "Willie, Chavez looks like he's ten years old and he is definitely severely malnourished." Well, somehow I knew that Endy would be getting a lot of quality at bats. Watch for tomorrow's lineup, there might be a new man in the cleanup slot...

3. After those two phenomenal draft picks, I let the computer do auto drafting while I went to to the bathroom. The chimichangas that Victor made for me the other night when he came by to discuss pitching and life over some wine really went through me. By the time I was done, it was time for the last pick. Of course, I knew exactly who I would take. Someone who would enable me to have versatility at 1B, at 3B and in the OF positions: yes, the mustachioed wonder, Jose Valentin! At first I drafted John Valentin by accident and I was really worried that someone would take Jose off the free agent wire before I could make the switch, but for some reason no one took Jose and I was able to grab him. Needless to say, some people are regretting that particular snub. But I'm certainly not one of them!

I'll try to update later and give you guys a sneak peek at my lineup. I ran my Reyes playing SS and 3B idea by Rick Down and he seemed to like it. But I'll admit I'm not sure exactly which one Rick Down is. He is the guy who brought my room service this morning isn't he?

A Real Treat!

2006-04-25T04:08:00.000-04:00

Yes, this is me, the Willie Randolph, the manager of your New York Metropolitans. I know I should be sleeping but I'm just too pumped. I made a lot of good decisions in today's game and I'm super excited to be in such a good rhythm of managing right now. (I know we lost the game but the way I see it, I manage the game, make decisions, etc., and the players play. If we lost based on bad play, it's their fault. Um, did I tell Glavine to give up a 3-run HR to Alou? No, I did not.)

I feel really confident about tomorrow's game. With a few really clutch managerial moves out of me, I'm sure we can pull the game out. I had a long chat with Rick Peterson after the game, and I threw out the idea of skipping Trachsel tomorrow and letting Zambrano pitch again. He had a bad outing the other day, but he only pitched 4 innings so he's good to go. The guy's got a rubber arm, and once he gets into a good rhythm, we're going to see that ERA come under 6 and we are going to win a few of his starts. I am confident in that.

As far as the lineup goes, I think probably the only change will be Delgado getting a day off and Valentin starting at 1B. I know that taking Valentin off the bench really weakens my pinch hit options but he's been on a tear lately, and we need to get a spark going in this offense. I sent Valentin up to pinch hit in a 6-2 game where we already thought we were going to lose, and the crafty veteran that he is, what does he do? He gets on base. And he does it with a swinging three-quarters bunt, the very same play we practiced for three weeks in Spring Training. He even helps by acting as another coach, surveying everything on the field and giving me feedback. For example, after his clutch single in the eighth inning, I gave Manny Acta the sign to hit and run, but Valentin decided against it. I asked him why when he came back to the dugout and he told me that he was tired after legging out that bunt. Now that is class. He tells me the truth and lays the cards on the table. That's when I realized that this man is going to be the face of this franchise for years to come.

A lot of you are wondering what is up with Carlos Beltran. His hamstring is 99.6% according to the computer program Rick Peterson's kid wrote. (He really is a computer whiz. He was playing a video game this morning, and Rick told me that Bonds hit 2 HRs off of him, and that his son said to him "Dad, I wish I had pitched around Bonds!". That's when I realized, Rick, Jr., you are on to something. And I knew I would walk Bonds no matter what the situation. As you can see, if I had better players, we would have succeeded with my strategy. Let me reiterate, I told Glavine to walk Bonds, I didn't tell him to give a 3-run HR to Alou nor did I tell Heilman to give up a 2-run single.) Beltran will be back when he is 100%, don't worry guys!

Anyway, I digress. Tomorrow is another day. And hopefully, we will pull out a victory with Zambrano on the mound, Valentin at first and Chavez in CF.

P.S. I'm considering giving Wright a day off. I don't want to weaken my bench so I may just ask Reyes to play more in the hole and go with 8 guys in the lineup.